To be annoyed at pub banter

[closingtime]

Rang DH at 5.15 and he said he was going for a drink and would be home soon.
Then he rang and said he had a couple so would get a taxi and be back for dinner by 7pm.

7.20pm phone rings while I am upstairs getting DS and DD ready for bed.
They are both playing up and jumping all over the bed and running off.
So am not in the best frame of mind.

DH had left a message saying there was a big problem and the taxi he arranged has not turned up.

So I ring him ,conversation goes like this-

Me-Hello,what has happened with the taxi?

DH-Oh it's all gone horribly wrong and can't get out of this place.
John can vouch for that.

John in the background-yes ,that is true

{bearing in mind he is a village pub about a 15 min drive from home}

Me-what do you mean you can't get out of there?
You are'nt in Siberia

DH-No I am not in Siberia,I may well as be

Que laughing in background from pub and John saying
"oh at least she has a sense of humour"

DH- don't know how long I will be ,put the dinner in the dog and see you later,night night.

God I hate that pub background banter.
So DH is sitting there having a laugh and showing off that he wears the trousers and I am stuckhere referring the childen yet again.

Only his 3rd taxi home this week,improvment on last weeks 4.

Always think it's a shame the kids have to suffer being left though with an eejit with a hangover.

Hardly going to be a fun day for them

bringing up children where an alcoholic lives is very unhealthy. just do a search on here on 'children of alcoholics' and you'll see how this affects them.

get to Al-Anon.

NOW.

so you can get some support and decide what you need to do for your own health and the health of your children.

From your last post sounds like you have been thinking about this a bit more.

His priority is

1. alcohol 2)his social life

I am not sure whether you or the children are next on the list, perhaps not.

I feel for you, my ex was like this and managed to convince me I was uptight and a nag. I once arrived to collect him from the pub (at his specific request) he turned on me in front of his mates and went on about how controlling it was to pick him up and insist he went home.

He was also fond of the bookies as well. He was a right charmer.

closintime, do yourself a favour and make plans to get out of this relationship/marriage and setting up a new life for yourself and your Kids!
YANBU....he is no good

i think it's a safe bet to say he's an alcoholic, Twelve. he starts drinking and can't stop.

i wouldn't leave my kids with him, tbh, whilst he's hungover.

i would go to Al-Anon and get some counselling for relatives of alcoholics.

Oh, closingtime, what an awful thing for you. Please please please start to change this NOW. You deserve a life, a full and happy life, and every day that you put up with this s**t is a day you will never get back. Your kids deserve better too. Stressed at work is nonsense. Get up & leave.

summerdress I fully agree.

I know it is hard on closingtime, but imo if her dh won't behave responsibily then she must. (as I am sure she does).

I don't think the dcs would benefit from being left with a hungover and feeling hard done by father tomorrow; a tosser man who has no regard or respect for his own wife. Also I don't think she would enjoy spending the time away as things stand, knowing that the children are left with him at home.

So sorry to read this, as the others have said, al-anon might be helpful. Best of luck to you.

Ah, so this is a long term issue, and not just a recent lapse in behaviour then. I do agree with others here - he certainly has a real problem with alcohol, and that has lots of effects on you and the children. Please do follow advice and get in touch with people who can give you real help with this.

I have often him that he would still be over the limit in the morning but he he thinks differently

I have anxiety issues relating to both my parents deaths and and then my brother dying also my DS has SN so I still have lots of issues that I have not dealt with and DH's drinking is just too much on top of all this.

DH would'nt see him self as being alcoholic as his whole childhood was one of growing up with his parents having dinner partied and buisness associates round and to him and his family it is sociable drinking.

Even when we visit it's all very "how much was this bottle of wine,who's for a G&T then it's 6 o clock"
A far cry from my upbringing,maybe that is the problem.
My darling dad worked 12 hour shifts for most of his life and did'nt have much to show eot it when he died.
Now I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat,he dies 11 years ago but the obviosly I am still not over it.

Saturdays are always marredwith DH's hangovers and it is not fair on the children or me.
I don't like leaving the children with him,he adores them but with a hangover his patience runs short.

Will look into Al Anon ,but fear once I start talking about this it will send me under.

As for starting a new life I would like this one to continue without the drinking but I need DH to see that.

Have only read the OP,

but if it was me, I'd sling the kids in the car in their PJs and go and get the silly bugger.

I wouldn't do anything like locking him out, I would just address the "problem" of no taxi and go and get him.

Solves absence problem and has the added bonus of being slightly embarassing for him when you rock up to collect him like he is 16 or something.

He's being very immature as are the idiots he's with. Why anyone wants to go drinking with people they have spent the whole week in the office with is totally beyond me! He needs to face facts - he's a father and needs to behave like one.

closing time ..do look into alanon

Its only when I look back I realise its not normal to remember only one night where your dad wasn't in the pub when you are growing up...

'As for starting a new life I would like this one to continue without the drinking but I need DH to see that.'

i'm very sorry, closingtime, but he won't see it.

he does not see that he is an alcoholic.

you know who does see it?

your kids.

they see him out on the piss more than he's at home. they see him valuing booze more than you and them. they see themselves having to tiptoe round their own home, a place they have NO choice but to live in, because he's hung over, they see him getting behind the wheel of a car the next day and he's STILL drunk, they see him making a mockery out of their lives because booze comes first, they seem him using money that should go on them pissed up a wall.

and on and on.

when peoples' parents don't value them, they learn not to value themselves, the way you have from living with him.

PLEASE see Al-Anon. they're the place for people who live with this themselves.

they're there to help.

sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...and maybe that means to show him what he would loose unless he changes, though!
While life works out fine and you put up with it, there is no desire in him to change, iykwim!
Not saying to do anything rash...just at least get some back up plans and get info of where you would stand if you were alone, etc...

Expat is very right.. it took me years to realise the impact that this kind of thing had on me -its not just the direct effect on the kids themselves but also the fact that they'll pick up on what it is doing to you

oh, and on your way there, see your GP about your anxiety.

also, who says you have to 'get over' losing your dad? that was your dad!

think you're abnormal for that? think again. Princes William and Harry just stated publicly this week that they think of their mother every single day and that they will never 'get over it'. who would? that was a loving parent who isn't in this life anymore and there's no way to fill that gap.

you need to face the reality that hes no good for you or the kids. you need to get to al-anon, get some practical support, and most likely, get out and build a new and better life without the stress of supporting an ungrateful partner who does nothing to improve your quality of life. do you want your chiuldrens childhood to be this way? do you want them to grow up to think this is all they can expect from life? theres so much more.

so sorry closingtime that you have an ass of a dh. He is an alcoholic, I know as my dad was, and this is the same sort of crap we heard as kids.
You have so much on your plate hon. Please see Al Anon and get help for yourself and your family, you can't help dh until he recognises this for himself. Tbh he sounds selfish and immature. Please please put yourself first, you are the caretaker of the family and you need support for you and your kids sake. What do you think?

I was only with my alcoholic ex for about 2 years and thankfully we didn't have dcs together. Even now I am still about the crap I put up with.

Crokky, if she did that he would probably slur drunkenly that he isn't ready to leave. I think it would make closingtime feel even more belittled and disrespected.

I promise you (and I feel very sad typing this) that it will get worse. You will feel pathetically grateful for the nights he does stay home and only drink a couple of cans. These nights will get fewer. Unless he is rich he will get into financial difficulty. He will (if he doesn't already) neglect his hygiene. He will probably in his drunken state wet the bed and/or pee all over the floor/wardrobe.

All the time this will be your fault for having the problem and of course being uptight and a nag.

Wishing you all the strength in the world to sort this out.

I don't drive so could'nt go and pick him up and even if I did I would'nt have the cofidence or want my children to witness that,although how hypercritical is that when they see him at home drunk.

I get so obsessive in my head remembering what days he was home on time,how late and the days go into weeks,months.
Just lately it has been nearly every night in the week and he is here at weekends but I suspect only because he would need to find an excuse to go out and the children especially DS clings to him at the weekend.

Expat-I know what you are saying is true and DS who is only just 7 has started recently to treat me with no respect and sometimes says things that he has heard DH say to me.
DS especially idolizes his dad and I am often the bad mummy who nags and moans and he is the fun dad who comes in andplays and gets them all worked up again after I have been trying to calm them down ready for bed.

DS lost his first tooth today and was keen to show DH,I told DH this on the phone when I first rang up at 5.15.

Now I feel like shit and guilty and dad for DS .

I have tried and tried to talk to DH and tell him things have to chabge and if he won't do it for me do it for his children.
DS has SN and is a very sensitive little boy and this is no good for him.
I won't let DH affect him.
Although when I pointed this out to DH he said a lot of DS's problems come from having an over anxious,over protective mother.

"an over anxious over protective mother"

This is classic behaviour, him blaming anyone else and creating a diversion away from the real issue.

He won't change for you, he won't change for his children because it sounds like he is in complete denial

Please check out Al-Anon. You will get yourself some support from people who are in, or have been in, your situation.

Your stor is the story of my childhood.
My father in the pub - my Mum at home crying.
I loved my Dad very deeply - he was far too sensitive for this world - but he ruined my Mum's life and made my childhood very anxious.
My Mum married him at 16 and 'talked' to him about his drinking from that day until he died at 66.
It is an illness and will never, can never, get better until the personwith the illness admits it and seeks help.

Glad you have said that expat about my dad.

AS DH feels I have grieved long enough and that I should try and move on as the deaths of my mother also 13 years ago and my brother 5 years ago {3 months after DD was born} are still affecting me and I have not dealt with it.

I do still have a real problem with the fact that they never got to see my children and that is hard to deal with.
But DH says they are dead and they will never see them and it is affecting me and making me more anxious and that is relecting on the children.

NOt sure what would happen if I was alone,I am most of the time anyway so could cope.
In fact DH said the other night if you think you cam manage and look after the children to how they have been accoustmed{sp}
Not sure what that meant.

As for seeing a GP god where would I start.
They would cart me away no doubt once I got started and think I was having a breakdown and could'nt cope with my children.

Was having CBT a few years back after DS was born and I became agagrophobic which still comes back to haunt me occasionally.

He is immature,but he is 47 fgs.
He is acting out his uni days all over again.

As for the bathroom situation it's usually a case of him waking me up stumbling around and banging and crashing or falling on the floor.
Fortunatly the children sleep through it.

Well he is still not home,so am sat her anxiously waiting and wondering how drunk he will be and what he will be like when he gets in.

I wonder where some of my anxiety problems come from??

Closing - I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It might seem like the easier option is to stay with him and not push it too far, and it probably is in the short term. But in the longer term you MUST sort this out for the sake of yourself and your kids. even if that means divorcing.

You are in the situation my mum was in when I was a child and I wish so much that she had left him. I don't care if we'd have had a single mum. That would have been infinitely better and more stable than living with an arse of an alcoholic who behaved so differently when drunk. She's still with him, he still drinks and I hate him for what he's done to my mum's personality and for the way he messed up my childhood with his drinking.

Please, please, please listen to what expat says and seek help from alanon. Please keep talking to us but don't let him get away with this shit. It's not normal and it's not OK.