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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at pub banter

85 replies

closingtime · 12/09/2008 19:43

Rang DH at 5.15 and he said he was going for a drink and would be home soon.
Then he rang and said he had a couple so would get a taxi and be back for dinner by 7pm.

7.20pm phone rings while I am upstairs getting DS and DD ready for bed.
They are both playing up and jumping all over the bed and running off.
So am not in the best frame of mind.

DH had left a message saying there was a big problem and the taxi he arranged has not turned up.

So I ring him ,conversation goes like this-

Me-Hello,what has happened with the taxi?

DH-Oh it's all gone horribly wrong and can't get out of this place.
John can vouch for that.

John in the background-yes ,that is true

{bearing in mind he is a village pub about a 15 min drive from home}

Me-what do you mean you can't get out of there?
You are'nt in Siberia

DH-No I am not in Siberia,I may well as be

Que laughing in background from pub and John saying
"oh at least she has a sense of humour"

DH- don't know how long I will be ,put the dinner in the dog and see you later,night night.

God I hate that pub background banter.
So DH is sitting there having a laugh and showing off that he wears the trousers and I am stuckhere referring the childen yet again.

Only his 3rd taxi home this week,improvment on last weeks 4.

OP posts:
notnowbernard · 12/09/2008 21:32

Al-Anon will help you to change the way you view him and his alcoholism

It will also help and guide you into changing your behaviour towards him... to stop the process of what they call 'enabling'. He has to face the consequences of his drinking, but he won't have any to face all the while things stay as they are

This must be a nightmare for you, but there is decent help out there if you want it

Original poster
closingtime · 12/09/2008 21:39

I feel so sad reading other peoples stories of their childhood with a father that drunk and of corse as day follws night can't help thinking that could be DD and DS in a few years time.

I suspect that DH feels that his upbringing was like this in some respects all be it a more priviliged{sp} one.
He probably thinks he and his brothers and sisters survived it and all his siblings and his father have done very well in life financially but who knows what lied beneath.

DH will never talk anbout personnal things as far as his familt are concerned and I only cause to annoy him when I ask questions as he sees it as me slagging his family off.

He is good at reflecting his drinking onto my issues and almost makes me feel in a way to blame for him drinking so much.

OP posts:
notnowbernard · 12/09/2008 21:41

Yes, that is pretty typical alcoholic behaviour

expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 21:45

the GP will NOT cart you away! i felt hte same way with my PND. start with the practice nurse if you feel nervous.

you are NOT to blame for his drinking, and you need Al-Anon and the support of people on this board who have been there to see that!

please, please, print out this thread or save it and read those stories, read those people who had this as a childhood or partners like this again and again.

he is an alcoholic. only he can change that.

YOU, however, can chose how you respond to that.

please, for your own and your kids' sake.

emwi · 12/09/2008 21:45

Very sorry to hear about your husband's behaviour. It sounds like this is a long-standing problem and the way you act tomorrow won't make any difference to him. You do not have the power to change your husband's behaviour but you do have the power to change yours. Please don't waste any more of your time, emotions and energy trying to get him to change - it hasn't worked in the past and it won't work now.

  1. I suggest you speak to Al-anon to see what they advise
  2. Take the kids out and have a nice time tomorrow, maybe arrange to meet up with a friend with kids.
  3. See your doctor about the anxiety - it might be helpful to talk to a counsellor
  4. Learn to drive
  5. It might be helpful at the moment to see yourself as a single parent who has an annoying drunk living with them. While this isn't a good long term strategy it might help you get through this for now and focus on yourself and your kids rather than worrying about him. Once you have talked to Al-anon and a counsellor you may be able to see a way forward.

Good luck

Original poster
closingtime · 12/09/2008 21:47

I do want the help but am afraid of the consequences.
Am worried that if the school or the HV or Gp knew of this they would be concerned for my children.
My DS has issues already and has 1:1 help in school and would hate for them to think I am not caring for him properly as I am and shield him the best I can from this.

Am sat here all jumpy at every car I hear thinking it is him,I can't relax until he is home and at least I will be less anxious worrying how drunk he is.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 21:51

'I do want the help but am afraid of the consequences.'

The consequences of your not getting help is that you are an anxious wreck who lives with an alcoholic who is also emotionally abusive.

This is FAR worse for you and your kids than getting some help.

Then saying to your HV or GP or practice nurse, I'm having a lot of problems with anxiety.

From going to Al-Anon and saying, 'My husband is an alcoholic'.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Take it. For you and your kids.

Emwi speaks sense.

notnowbernard · 12/09/2008 21:53

Well, ask yourself about what the consequences will be if you DON'T get help

To be blunt, the HCPs will be more concerned with a parent who has not attempted to seek support with living with an alcoholic than one who has

mamazee · 12/09/2008 21:56

bless you closingtime. you need support.being in a relationship with someone like that is exhausting. i really really feel for you. i also wish wish wish my mum had tackled my dad about his drinking instead of pretending it didn't happen. i now live with a non drinker (maybe a reaction to dad) and it is a delight. no anxious waiting to gauge how drunk they are. no incoherant arguments no trying to pretend its normal whilst hiding it from people.
i thought all men drank that much...its not ok...its disrespectful ...especially if you have young kids.
maybe if you approach the school/gp/hv they will applaud you for your honesty and commitment to your dc wellbeing ?
BTW i think you are being incredibly brave with your honesty.

mablemurple · 12/09/2008 21:58

The school or the HV or the GP are not there to judge you - they are there to help you. If the school were aware of your home situation they might be in a better position to help your ds.
Expat and others have given you some good advice.
So sorry you and your dcs are having to go through this.

Litchick · 12/09/2008 22:04

So it's Friday night, your DH is in the pub and you're at home worrying when he'll get back and how pissed he'll be when he does...plus ca change.
You cannot take responisbility for him or this situation. It is not of your making, nor does it have anything to do with your anxiety.
If anything that is caused by the situation.
Get some help, girlfriend, you know you need it.

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2008 22:08

Sorry for you and your DC. Please look into the practicalities of separating from this drunk: whose name is the house in? What benefits would you get and what work could you do, and how much maintenance you could get off him. Just having the information is really helpful: knowledge is power and it takes away some of the despair to know that you could survive without him.

closingtime · 12/09/2008 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 22:22

'The GP tried to get me to take anti depressants before and DH kept saying I did'nt them and I could cope.'

And this is coming from a man who is addicted to alcohol. Oh, yes, he's a real candidate for Coper of the Year.

Tell your HV what you told us here. Even read it off to her from your post.

Is your GP sympathetic? Then tell him/her, just what you wrote her.

You need to do this because right now, you and your kids are suffering greatly from this.

And it is not on and it's not okay.

And get to Al-Anon fast.

Tell the HV and GP you need help.

onepieceoflollipop · 12/09/2008 22:23

You have been through such a lot closingtime. I was so sorry to read your last post.

However to pick up on one of your points it sounded as if the GP thought you needed ads and it was your dh who claimed you didn't need them. Is he medically qualified in any way? (your dh I mean not the GP!) I work in mental health and am always amazed (not in a good way) about how much some people claim to know about depression and medication. So many people say "oh, my neighbour/sil or whoever say that ads are addictive/ineffective etc etc.

Would it be possible for you to go back to the same GP?

mamazee · 12/09/2008 22:23

gosh...what a huge thing to carry around.
how do you feel now you have shared it ?

notnowbernard · 12/09/2008 22:24

The HV put you on the at-risk register? Though only Social Services could implement that...

FWIW, Al-Anon isn't made up of professionals, they are everyday people from all walks of life whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. It is, as its name suggests, anonymous

Confiding to your GP that you are under stress and feeling anxious is not going to get his alarm bells ringing, either... it's an expected reaction!! ANd he/she will know that, if you are honest with them about his drinking. And they will be able to offer you help

onepieceoflollipop · 12/09/2008 22:27

nnb afaik hvs make a lot of the initial referrals to Social Services. Perhaps that is what closingtime means?

notnowbernard · 12/09/2008 22:30

Yes, did think that after I posted

Sorry, Closingtime

Original poster
closingtime · 12/09/2008 22:43

I am still registered with the same GP so could go back and see him.
Am always saying that to DH about him being medically trained and he sees most professioanls as do gooders.

Not sure how I feel about sharing that story.
Worried that people will judge me ,feel a little ashamed but deep down know it was one big mis understanding and fear that maybe it happens to more people than they care to admit.

It was the social services who came round as it was referred to them via the HV.
Sorry I should have made that clearer,it's just a lot of the detail of that time I have pushed to the back of my mind.

Well he has just arrived home,staggered in from the taxi and said he did'nt want to talk to me and he had had enough and was going straight to bed.
He said don't talk to him it would only cause trouble.
He has flaked out on the bed in his clothes.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/09/2008 22:48

phone Al-Anon and talk to them instead.

it's better not talking to him when he's drunk anyhow.

but don't you think you've had enough now, too?

mamazee · 12/09/2008 22:53

you have nothing to feel ashamed about at all. you are the solidity in your dc lives.
what about counselling ?
do you have any family that live near by ?
does anyone know about the extent of this ?

Original poster
closingtime · 12/09/2008 23:04

I have had enough of this and am now dreading the morning walking round on egg shells as somwtimes all depending on how much he has drunk it will ehirt be all sorry and helpful or still slightly drunk and non apoligetic.

Judging on how long he was in the pub around 5 hours I would say the latter.

I have a sister who lives about 40 mins away and she knows some of this but don't want to burden her and she is still dealing like me with our parents deaths and my brother who she was closer in age to them me.

DH's family are well aware of this and one of his brothers does'nt get on with DH because of it.
His parents don't want to know,have approached them before by phone (they don't live in England} and it was a night about 4 yrs ago when DH was really drun k and thretning to have me sectioned and I rang for some support and wanted them to talk to him sometime as I thought they would be concerned.
But DH took the phone of me and they hung up when they heard he was drunk and the next day I rang to apoligise and FIL put the phone down on me.
It was never mentioned again.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 12/09/2008 23:19

Hi closingtime - I've just skimmed the thread but there is a support thread for the partners of addicts in the relationship section which may be of help to you

unavailable · 13/09/2008 00:32

Dont cover for him, dont censor the conversations you have with family and friends and try to get some support for yourself - AlAnon may be a good starting point. He is behaving like a complete tosser, but if he thinks he isnt, he wont have a problem with others knowing how he treats you and his family. Good luck.

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