Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want a second child?

38 replies

Eggymum · 09/09/2008 15:31

I'm 39 this week and urgently want to start trying for a second child. My DP is dead set against the idea. I don't want to 'accidentally' get pregnant as I think this would be a bad move for us as a couple and for the child but I don't know how we are going to resolve this issue as there is no compromise position-please help!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:32

Why is he against the idea?

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:32

cos you need to figure that out and address it IMO

Tortington · 09/09/2008 15:33

if he doesn't want another child - then YABU

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:34

really custy? why not him?

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:34

really custy? why not him?

Original poster
Eggymum · 09/09/2008 15:36

He found DS, now 21 mths, very stressful in the first year and thinks there are other more important things to do with our time...for example career, time for us as a couple, free time etc

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/09/2008 15:39

if she wants another child she needs to have one with somone who wants one

it is very unreasonable to ask someone to give their life to someone else when they didn't partic want them in the first place.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:39

wow you get all that whyen theyre 21m?? [hopeful mum of 16mo]

difficult. how likely is he to listen to reason - ie all in all it's a short period of time?

ilovetochat · 09/09/2008 15:39

i think it is very difficult and i feel sorry you are going through this but you both need to want a 2nd child as kids are hardwork as you know and if he doesn't want another it may lead to resentment. I personally would rather have 1 child and both be happy rather than have 2 kids but put the relationship under strain and 2 kids would be more stressful than one. Could you change the routine so you do more of the childcare and therefore he has less stress.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:40

true, suppose I'm biased as am in a similar position, however in my case it's over money. I know DH is a worrier and likes to plan everything (and I mean for years nto the future), I know he really wants another DC and I'm sure we'd be fine.

lulumama · 09/09/2008 15:40

you need to talk ! you need to know why he is so against it.. was he only ever wanting one child? yabu if he always said he wanted one child.. but if he has changed his mind, than you need to get to the root of it

Original poster
Eggymum · 09/09/2008 15:42

We do talk a fair bit about it and he does sometimes say 'not right now' rather than never but I don't feel I can wait any longer. He does understand that it would be good for DS to have a bro or sis

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 09/09/2008 15:44

Oh dear. It's usually finances that stall the prospective Dad and that stuff can be sorted out with a good budget and a spreadsheet (men seem to be as enthralled by Excel and the hard numbers as I am ). Emotional reasons like wanting time as a couple are more difficult.

Could you arrange for babysitting on a regular basis - family, reciprocal arrangement with friends, professional? So that you have time as a couple now, and he sees that your relationship isn't on hold due to having a small child (and that it wouldn't have to be with another either).

The thing is that it's easy to be the one who doesn't want to do something, because you can pretend to yourself that you're keeping your options open, whereas actually the decision not to try is actually the decision to have an only child, and while that's not necessarily a bad decision, it's still a decision that will impact your life too. I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself. Could you help him realise that you need to have a serious talk about all this?

TheArmadillo · 09/09/2008 15:44

why not leave the subject alone and agree to discuss it again in 6/9/12 months.

Then you are showing him you will give him some time, but giving a timeframe for another discussion or decision.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:47

lol i have spent today working on excel! it's a work of art - want to see??

MrsTittleMouse · 09/09/2008 15:47

Ah, cross-posted there. So it is that he doesn't want to actually make the decision. Does he realise that if you have another now that you will get all the baby stuff over and done with? It might not be easy (although on the other hand, it might, as no two are the same), but you could knuckle down and then it would be done and he could enjoy having his DCs.

Original poster
Eggymum · 09/09/2008 15:48

I think the experience of having one has confirmed to him that he doesn't want more-before this he was not particularly sure. That's not to say he isn't a brilliant loving and involved Dad...it's just that parenting stresses him out more than average.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 09/09/2008 15:48

Bet it's not as lovely as my Excel spreadsheet of our savings (deposit for house).
I am in the process of doing another one that has graphs and everything.

cheesychips · 09/09/2008 15:49

I think it helps to talk about it from your child's point of view and how beneficial it would be for them (Not that I'm suggesting that singletons are unhappy/lonely) but I only truly realized how important my sister was when my Dad died and she was the only one who REALLY understood.

Good luck

struwellpeter · 09/09/2008 15:50

Although people do of course have second children for themselves, I think one of the main reasons to have another is for your existing dc.

Yes, you can say that it will change your relationships and that siblings do not always like each other every second of the time. But a brother or sister is for life and even if they don't hit it off as children (like my dh and his brother) many people are close to siblings in adulthood (like my dh and his brother). I think you provide a sibling for those years to come when blood is thicker than water. They may need each other when you may not be around.

Children really do grow up very quickly and you will have plenty of time without your dcs in years to come. Second babies usually fit in so much easier than number ones.

LouMacca · 09/09/2008 15:52

This is a hard one. I know the feeling of being desperate to have a child and its not a feeling that you can just put aside.

We have 5 year twins, its been hard but the best thing that ever happened to us. I have two close couple friends who have only one child through choice and both these sets of friends have had a really tough time so I'm not sure that having one is easier, depends on the children.

My friends 6 year old son is so demanding and constantly wants their attention when we are out together whereas my children have each other and are not so demanding of us iykwim.

As lulumama says you really need to get to the root of this.

Original poster
Eggymum · 09/09/2008 15:53

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think probably the babysitting one is good- we don't have any local family support so there is not much fun and romance for us anymore!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:53

graphs, wow! Well mine is going to carry over the month end totals to the next month so ner
I have to say the only thing putting me off (well almost the only thing) is the difficulty of the baby year. DS was a textbook baby yet there were still evenings where I'd hold him and pace while DH bolted his food and then we'd swap. But I think now I realise how short that period really is, also I've finally sorted out co sleeping to end those nights of pacing the floor, and I can bf with one hand while walking, talking and making decisions. So really, I'm sorted!

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2008 15:54

Eggy, I am also hoping that by the time I have a 2nd DS will be old enough to 'help' - nothing major, just entertaining the baby while I hvae a shower, entertaining himself while baby sleeps and I MN
I can dream!

Original poster
Eggymum · 09/09/2008 16:02

I am more optimistic than DP. I do imagine that having two that play together and support each other later in life will ultimately be worth the extra effort involved

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread