Am I being unreasonable to want a second child?

[Eggymum]

I'm 39 this week and urgently want to start trying for a second child. My DP is dead set against the idea. I don't want to 'accidentally' get pregnant as I think this would be a bad move for us as a couple and for the child but I don't know how we are going to resolve this issue as there is no compromise position-please help!

I am more optimistic than DP. I do imagine that having two that play together and support each other later in life will ultimately be worth the extra effort involved

Eggymum - I can fully relate to this and am in a very similar position (and have a thread on here somewhere to try to get other peoples POV).

I have just turned 40 and pretty much find myself in the position that if I really want that abstract second child that has always been hovering at the periphery of my vision - I had better get a wiggle on as time is running out. My DH has been dead against another (DD is 6) as the first couple of years were grim - no family nearby, no support and certainly no nights out!! He dosn't want to repeat it, but at some level I think he also would like to see how another would turn out as he has agreed to try for another for a short period of time. This came after months of badgering after years of what ifs & maybes. I am the one now wavering as I am worried that it will either break him or us as a couple and really don't know what to do. I am worried he will resent me in years to come for forcing his hand. He is a very good dad ( and bloke tbh) but having children was never part of his life plan. We were together 13 years before we had our DD!

Getting accidently pregnant is not the way to go. Keep talking, pros & cons list, budget spreadsheets, all worth it. Having said that you do have time to work on him. Also, I think it gets ALOT easier from 3+ I founf the 12mth-36mths stage very stressful (another reason I am now stalling!)

It is such a tricky decision. My DP didn't want kids for years and years, when it came to make or break time as I was 35 and he decided that if it was no me or a baby and me - then a baby and me was the option he'd go for.

Once we had DS1 we both knew that having two was what we wanted too - we both couldn't imagine having an only child. Knowing how much we lover our own brothers or sisters. Plus the hopeful pay off that you do get couple time back (in about 3 years she says hopefully) cause you don't have to be their sole play mate every day.

Is your DP an only child? How close is he to his siblings?

I think this can effect how he might feel about things.

However I have a friend who is in a simular position to you who's husband is adamant that 1 child is enough and she is having to come to terms with this - it is very tough.

Good to know there are others who share my situation Bootsmonkey. It seems to me that most women eventually do have another DC if they want one but lovely as my DP is, he is quite stubborn! DS awake now so will sign out for now

Point out to him that you may actually have more time for each other with a second child. One child on their own may need constant entertaining from mum and/or dad, but two will entertain each other.

Would second Lyra on that point - lovely though my DD is, when she wants to play or is bored, it is to us she turns. If she had a sibling....although it would be a couple of years before new baby could join in the complicated puppy games she favours...

I don't agree with you struwellpeter, I don't think you need to have a sibling for your existing dc, I don't agree that it is one of the main reasons to have another at all. Nor are siblings destined to be close in adulthood, I think all that is a generalisation. Have another child because you want it, you will love it, you want to add to your family and so on, but not just for the sake of your existing dc.

To the OP, yes I think you are right there really isn't a comprimise, its a very difficult situation to be in, maybe all your DH needs is abit of time but maybe he really doesn't want another one. Whilst I know the broody ache of wanting a baby, I also know the feeling that my family is complete with one child and I don't want anymore. I'm lucky that my DH feels the same, but I think that your broody feelings are equal to his feelings of not wanting anymore. But he needs to lay his cards on the table and say that, if it really is the case as its unfair to leave you in limbo.

Eggymum this could be me writing this, I am in almost exactly the same situation as you. DS is 16 months, and DP announced a few weeks ago he didn't want another (I think prompted by very expensive few months and he'd suddenly seen his bank balance, also he said he "wanted control of his life again"). When he's in a more pragmatic frame of mind he admits it would be better in the medium-long term for DS to have a sibling, can see all the arguments in favour etc, but like your DH, he is very stubborn. But I'm 38 too, and had lots of problems finally having a successful pregnancy so I'm getting anxious.

I have finally got him to agree to at least sit down and talk about it properly soon. After arguing for some time about it, I figured it would do more harm at this stage to push it right now. Could you suggest you make a date (soonish) to sit down and go through all the pros and cons?

there is no compromise - one of you will get your own way.
I had the same situation, after lots of angst and when I was trying to come to terms with not having another child (and had emotionally withdrawn from my H in order to try and deal with my own feelings) he announced that we could try for another - at the time he said that he couldn't see my so unhappy about something he could do something about.
I got pg within 2 weeks, so there wasn't really anymore discussion - which there would have been if TTC had taken longer.
It actually turns out that he felt I blackmailed him, that it was him or a baby and that I was going to leave - and in order to avoid that he said we could have the baby.
This has seriously impacted on his feelings for me, and he left 6 months ago (when 2nd child was 2y2m).
There were lots of reasons why ex didn't want another child, money was not one of them. In retrospect he probably didn't really want a first child either.

Only the two of you can work it out - why he is so dead against it, why you want it so much, which is more important - another baby or your DH - and whether losing your DH would bring you another baby anyway, how you would feel about only having one child in your life.

I wish you all the best.

Thankyou everyone, I am quite touched by how much feedback you've given me. It is nice to share the problem even if there is no obvious solution. I'm going to talk some more with DP-specially about the social life-perhaps if we get that back on track then we could imagine a DC2 together???

Hi, we're in the same situation with me wanting another and dh not, he thinks if we have another that child will be more hard work, I don't think he realises how hard work this ds is! I am 37 and feel like we havent got 2 or 3 years to think about it, ds is 3.
We dont struggle getting a babysitter or anything practical like that he just doesnt want another.
We are off on honeymoon this week without ds so will try to talk then.

Hi, we're in sort of the same situation except I'm the one who's not sure about another dc but dh wants one.

We will end up having another one I'm sure because I want ds to have a sibling (not sure why, I'm not particularly close to mine!) and tbh, our family wouldn't feel complete without another child.

It's still me who has to go through the bloody pregnancy, labour and stay at home for the first year bored senseless though.

I can kind of see where your dp is coming from, I'd like my life back too!