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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 14 months is not too old to be 'still' breastfeeding, and to expect support from dh, not ridicule ...

38 replies

Reginaphilangy · 06/09/2008 10:29

Dh is usually out for work before dc's and I are up in a morning. I breastfeed dd3 in a morning when she wants to and it has become obvious today that dh didn't know (?) that she was still feeding.

He got up with dd this morning (no complaints there!) and dd was at the bottom of stairs shouting 'mum'. I told him that she probably wanted feeding and to allow her to come up. His reaction was Not Good

Dh "Are you 'still' feeding her then?"
Me "Yes, i still offer, sometimes she wants it, sometimes she doesn't"
Dh "Why are you still feeding her, thats ridiculous - she doesn't need breastfeeding now"

I didn't even know what to reply

Why shouldn't she breastfeed now? She's still only a baby! I know that its not the norm, but surely its not ridiculous?? I really feel that he should support us in this, not make me feel that i'm doing something wrong.

So, please tell me, am i being unreasonable to expect him to support us? Or is he being unreasonable to act as though we're doing something wrong?

OP posts:
IdrisTheDragon · 06/09/2008 10:30

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

notnowbernard · 06/09/2008 10:32

YANBU

Am suprised he didn't know?

It's crap when you get that reaction from anyone, let alone your partner

mmelody · 06/09/2008 10:32

Oh what a horrible thing to say to you.. I am still BF my 14 month old DS and my DP is fully supportive of my decision to carry on as long as we both want to... YANBU at all. What a pig.. what difference does it make to him anyhow!

differentID · 06/09/2008 10:32

The WHO says that feeding up to 2 years is recommended,iirc. Therefore yanbu

mylittlepudding · 06/09/2008 10:32

I'm so sorry - sorry that he thinks like that and sorry that things have got to the point (just busy lives, I am sure) that he says he didn't know.

It might not be the "norm" but it is healthy and normal and you are doing great.

Mamazon · 06/09/2008 10:33

yanbu he is a twonk

ipanemagirl · 06/09/2008 10:35

I'm 39 weeks pg and my dh, very tolerant about my bf dh beyond one year is being really snotty about the next baby.

you're not feeding this one as long!!

And I say It's not bloody 1850 mate, I have a vote now!

It's really tough isn't it, particularly when we know that they continue to benefit health wise!

I think it's just a question of sensitive negotiation and a certain amount of mollification of him. Good luck, I know I'm going to have a battle on my hands.

What I resent is the implication that it's somehow self-indulgent of the mother to bf. Rather than that the m wants to do what's best for the child.

But in our society there is this prevailing thing of men thinking the breasts are somehow 'for them' it's such a sexist view but our culture certainly sends that message!

Original poster
Reginaphilangy · 06/09/2008 10:38

To be fair to him, the reason he didn't know is that dd has been a bit 'hit and miss' with her feeding. Sometimes she wants it, other times she doesn't therefore he assumed that she doesn't want it at all anymore ...

Thanks for replies.

Good to know its him, not me.

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 06/09/2008 11:13

YANBU. Breastfeed her until you want, what is the problem?

TrinityRhino · 06/09/2008 11:14

oh I feel so sad to hear this
dh is very supportive of me feeding gecko for as long as she wants
she is 19 months at the mo

cheesesarnie · 06/09/2008 11:18

yanbu.do what suits you and your dd.i think you have a lovely approach to feeding-let her if she wants,if she doesnt no big deal.it is sad that your dh isnt supportive .

yomellamoHelly · 06/09/2008 11:22

Maybe part of his reaction was due to he fact that he just hadn't known and it highlighting the limitations on how well he knows his dc. FWIW I bfed ds2 beyond that age and don't think there's anything wrong with it.

DontlookatmeImshy · 06/09/2008 11:22

OH that whole "don't need to" thing really bugs me. IF anyone ever tells me I don't 'need' to bf anymore, my response will be somewhere along the lines of
"There's lots of things I don't need to do. I don't need to eat fruit/veg every single day but I do because it's good for me."

If we go through life only letting our kids do what they need to do they're going to be pretty miserable.

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2008 11:27

My DH is somethimes a bit but is swayed by the evidence, I feed it to him bit by bit when he complains, it stops him each time

savetheplanetdontiron · 06/09/2008 11:32

I think your problem can be summed up thus:- men and boobs - they do not handle the whole area well (no pun intended )

I got lots of hassle from others about bf up to 2 years first time round and no doubt will get more this time. In fact, someone has already asked when I am going to get her off the breast - obviously she is far too old to need breastmilk............errr, at 10 months!!

jvs · 06/09/2008 11:42

You are not doing anything wrong, it is utterly normal and I pat you on the back for keeping it up!
We breastfed until ds was just over 2, had alot of support from la leche who really advocate it (as do WHO as someone else has already mentioned) See if you have a local branch of La Leche who run a breast feeding group, you will be surprised how many people do feed for so long!

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor · 06/09/2008 11:45

I'm probably going to be flamed for this, but I'm on the fence with this one.

I understand your argument about fruit and veg (!), but at the same time, the image of a child who can talk and has proper shoes on breastfeeding is quite weird for a lot of people.

It's your body, your daughter, your family, but it mgiht be the time to reassess now, weigh everything up and consider how much of a physical challenge it is on your relationship and how much it's challenging the family dynamics!

I BF my children to 12/13 months btw. So, so far, we aren't that different.

NorthernLurker · 06/09/2008 11:47

I'm still feeding my 16 mth old before bed and dh knows better than to say anything. He is very supportive generally but did ask once when we going to stop (no idea why - doesn't make any difference to him!) I told him that was up to B and I and that was the end of the conversation

Twiglett · 06/09/2008 11:53

I totally understand your need for support on this one, but really you need to talk this out with DH .. tell him why, show him why and sort it out between you

Coming on a pro-natural term BF website and asking whether you are right to be bf your 14 month old is rather like asking the Pope if he's Catholic

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2008 11:54

NaughtiestGirl, I agree with you in the sense that DH's opinion is important, whereas if a stranger thinks it's 'weird' I give it no thought, but I wouldn't do that if DH thinks so, he is involved. However, he only thinks it's weird because people don't do it. There's no need / reason / justifiable argument for stopping. If enough DHs can see this then maybe it could become the norm and fewer people would have this sort of argument.

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2008 11:56

For example, he felt slightly better about it when I told him that a friend of mine (with a DD the same age) plans to let her DD self wean. That is not a good reason to change your mind - surely it shows that his feelings are based on what strangers think rather than the health and well being of his son?

jvs · 06/09/2008 12:03

I think I found it quite easy to carry on because my (albeit ex) dp never had a problem with my bf a toodler, I was also lucky that my friend bf both hers until well over two so I did have some pretty positive role models!
Whilst I find it utterly acceptable now (have read a lot talked alot and understand alot now) if I look back to my opinions pre ds I would probably have been of the same opinion as your husband!!! Have a look on the La Leche web site (sorry cant work out how to do a link) get him to read it as well, get him to read this post and look for some other bf posts in the archives on here, at leat he might then understand you are not exclusive!

Tittybangbang · 06/09/2008 12:31

"I understand your argument about fruit and veg (!), but at the same time, the image of a child who can talk and has proper shoes on breastfeeding is quite weird for a lot of people"

Yes - but you should acknowledge that the reason you feel that way is because you come from a culture where PREMATURE weaning is normal and where it's rare someone engaging in natural term breastfeeding.

"It's your body, your daughter, your family, but it mgiht be the time to reassess now, weigh everything up and consider how much of a physical challenge it is on your relationship and how much it's challenging the family dynamics!"

You forgot to mention that the OP will need to factor in the emotional, nutritional and developmental importance of breastfeeding to her child, who as the most vulnerable person in the household (and the only one without a voice), should be at the centre of any family dialogue about weaning.

Tittybangbang · 06/09/2008 12:33

Wanted to add to the OP - don't be too hard on your DH. His attitude to your continuing to feed your baby is just a reflection of wider attitudes about continued breastfeeding. If I was you I'd be tempted to print this thread off and leave it on his pillow, just to show him that his views on what's 'normal' with breastfeeding aren't representative.

Tittybangbang · 06/09/2008 12:34

"his views on what's 'normal' with breastfeeding aren't representative" sorry - should have read "aren't representative of all families with experience of breastfeeding".

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