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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to call the police or some authority, really need some advice please, long one sorry

34 replies

lilysmummy2007 · 04/09/2008 02:05

Ok, this is a very sensitive subject and really need any advice. My good friend and neighbour has 2 sons one 18mths and one almost 5 who is autistic. she seem to be doing a decent job as she is struggling along with no support from either of the kids dads and seems to be coping, and i always try my best to help her out when i can be it taking the kids for a few hours so she can have a rest or cooking them dinner once a week or so. about 2 months ago the younger boys dad who she says is just a nuisance and abuses her and has hit the kids in the past started coming around again. he kicked her door in when she wouldnt open it, she turned up at my doorstep several times in tears and once with the nastiest black bruise on her face asking me to help her cover it up with makeup,and numerous other bruises, one so huge it was on her entire breast as he punched her directly on her chest when she came home late.ever since he has been coming round she has turned up fearing for her life and literally scared to go to her house sometimes in case he s there. i gave her a new lock and he kicked it in as well.Her door is destroyed and she now shuts it with a chair lodged against it. She says he smokes crack and is suffering from depression and has a warrant out for his arrest which is why he hides out at her house. the kids have also had bruises and scratches and the younger boy has fallen down a flight of stairs{concrete} whilst with the man. i have begged her to call the police but she says her kids were already on the child protection list and were recently taken of itso she is scared if she she calls the police they would take the kids away.she also uses the fact that he has some naughty videos of them together as an excuse to not phone the police when the man is abusing her and the kids as he threathens to put it on the internet. So AIBU want to tell her that having her fanny on the internet is better than this man abusing you and your kids, and that the police etc would not take her kids but try to protect her from him. if she wants to stay and be beaten up its her call, she has a choice, but i'm really worried that he will cause serious damage to the kids or even kill one of them in anger as she has told me he has choked her till she was unconcious while she was pregnant. I keep thinking about that little angel kelsey briggs the baby that was killed by her stepdad and im really torn as to what to do as she doesnt want to do anything so i dont think its my place to but the kids have no choice in the matter, please help!

OP posts:

MrsSprat · 04/09/2008 02:31

That's a horrible situation and I think you know that you should do something. I've no experience of this, but if there's an arrest warrant involved - maybe you could call Crimestoppers, who are anonymous and they could advise you on potential routes to take.

Sounds like the children are far more at risk of going back on child protection or worse with this horrible guy in their lives.

Hopefully someone with more practical advice will come along soon.

Original poster

lilysmummy2007 · 04/09/2008 02:35

i hope so, thanks Sprat,will check out crimestoppers.

OP posts:

shabster · 04/09/2008 06:04

Please call someone. NSPCC, Childline, Police, Health Visitor....anyone. Im sure you can remain anonymous with most of them. I had an aquaintance who had a similar situation. I watched for months then rang the NSPCC. This was about 3 years ago. She has never had her son taken away from her but the ex partner has dissapeared.

Better to loose her friendship than something happen to her or the children.

Tortington · 04/09/2008 06:21

phone social services.

Original poster

lilysmummy2007 · 04/09/2008 06:33

i think thats what i will do, i just hope they take him away and move her far away from here, but wont it be betraying her??

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 04/09/2008 06:40

you need to call some one. not sure calling the police will help though unless you do it while he is at her house as fear may stop her admitting to the police that he has been going there.

have you tried gettig her to call womans aid for advise?

if you hear him when he is in the house i wojld efinately phone the police then.

FlightAttendent · 04/09/2008 06:40

no. You have no choice imo.
The children need you to act. t will just gt worse otherwise.

do you want one of us to do it instead - then you won't blame yourself?

I understand you don't want her to be upset with you but this is beyone awful and she cleARLY can't make him stop, someone is goin to be killed at this rate.

The children need someone (like you) to take it seriously. Their mother can't help thm, they must be terrified and desperate. This is what the CPR is for.

Please let us know. Freephone NSPCC or SS. Shall I find a number?

FlightAttendent · 04/09/2008 06:44

NSPCC 0808 800 5000.

PLEASE do it. You will probably be doing the best thing you have done all year. It is absolutely the right thing to do.

They are trained, they will be able to suss out the best course of action. They won't just jump in on whatever you tell them, they will check it out. This is not your fault and it is luky for those kids that someon does know the situation because that means they might get helped in time.

Good luck xx

BouncingTurtle · 04/09/2008 06:45

That poor woman, lucky she has you as a friend!

I agree with the other posters you need to report this. Can you also make a note of any times/dates when you've seen things happened - i.e. when the door was kicked in, when she came to you with bruises. If the police do catch this man and charge him, perhaps that record could help put him away.

She needs to seek legal advice in getting an injunction as well against him.

watsthestory · 04/09/2008 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KVC · 04/09/2008 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hecate · 04/09/2008 08:29

She is at more risk of losing her kids if she stays with this man. SS do say to people that they have to choose, if the person they are with is a danger and they have been known to remove children from that situation.

So perhaps even better to point out that SS are more likely to remove her children if she STAYS with him, than if she calls the police to help her get rid of him - because if she stays it comes across like her choice to put her kids at risk, but if she yells for help, then she is trying to protect them - iyswim.

Freckle · 04/09/2008 08:31

I don't think you have any choice really, do you? If these children are at risk, and it sounds as though they are, you have a duty to do whatever you can to protect them. Call the NSPCC and the police. Now.

CrushWithEyeliner · 04/09/2008 08:40

You must call social services. For the children's sake first and the poor Woman secondly, she must be in a really bad way Just think how you would feel if something unthinkable happened.

superlager · 04/09/2008 09:53

Is she on drugs too, or just stupid? Are you really going to sit back and watch these kids get beaten by some crazed nutter. I think you are being unreasonable for even contemplating NOT doing anything. Call the cops and social services right now, please.

ScottishMummy · 04/09/2008 10:01

report to police immediatelythey and SS will undertake an assessment and intervene.
could you live with guilt if you didnt

the fact they are on CP register is alarming enough

illicit drug use
domestic violence
unstable chaotic background
vulnerable minor's and adults

report it

elesbells · 04/09/2008 10:14

You have to ask yourself how you would feel hearing those two poor childrens story on the news if and when they are killed or seriously injured at the hands of this 'man'.

You could have been the one to stop it all along...could you live with that? I know I couldn't.

no brainer really.

ScottishMummy · 04/09/2008 10:18

initially police can invoke police protection Under section 46 of the Children Act 1989, any police constable who has reasonable cause to believe that a child is at risk of significant harm can remove the child to a place of safety.it is the most immediate form of protection available for any child or young person who has experienced, or is likely to experience, abuse or exploitation, in that it can be put into effect straightaway without reference to a court.

Police protection can remain in force for up to 72 hours. Any police officer can make the order (sometimes referred to as a police protection order), but it must be confirmed by an officer of at least the rank of inspector as soon as possible and it must be reported to the local authority, whose social services department will take action to ensure the child's safety, often by applying for an emergency protection order in the first instance.

SS apply to police to invoke place of EPO. Emergency Protection Order. An emergency protection order is a court order, granted under section 44 of the Children Act 1989. It is used to secure the immediate safety of a child by removing the child to a place of safety, or by preventing the child's removal from a place of safety.

The court may make the order if there is reasonable cause to believe that the child is likely to suffer significant harm if he or she is not removed

Original poster

lilysmummy2007 · 04/09/2008 15:05

ok, thanks for all the advice, i have spoken to SS and they have asked for all the details and promised i will remain anonymous. whilst i was on the phone they looked at her records and said that she is due a follow on assesment in october but they will bring it foward and notify her. I also rang the NSPCC who said they will contact the SS about her and will have to visit her un anounced so she cant cover up for him. They also recommended i keep a log should they need to take court action. He has a warrant out for armed robbery so maybe the police might be good to call as well. Superlager i ask my self that everytime she comes crying to me. I think she is being stupid and she is a bit dozey and to be honest not very educated and doesnt really know about these things thats why she thinks they would take the kids away instead of protecting her and the kids, Hectate this is exactly what i told her, that she might lose them forever if this man does something serious. The older child who is autistic is a gem and so sensitive and very emotional and he has almost turned into a recluse since this man has been around, his speech is very bad as he only started talking at almost 4 years old and finds it hard to explain his feelings and what is going on around him. he is only a child i feel so bad that he is in this situation and cant ask for help or express what is going on in his head. he has recenly been hitting his brother and my little one whilst they play and i think it because he sees the man doing it and he it acting out because of this as he was never like this before. The NSPCC said they would contact me with a progress report. I hope they come soon as i wont be able to live with myself if he hurts the kids or her for that matter. thanks for all the advice mumsnetters, greatly appreciated

OP posts:

KVC · 04/09/2008 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

lilysmummy2007 · 04/09/2008 15:19

ok kvc, i will call SS and ask them whats the best thing to do, havent called the police yet.

OP posts:

theressomethingaboutmarie · 04/09/2008 15:23

Good work Lilysmummy2007 - let's hope that this all gets resolved and those children are safe. You should feel really proud having done something about this. Too many people bow their heads and pretend not to notice.

Original poster

lilysmummy2007 · 04/09/2008 15:34

i feel much better knowing that at least im trying, ive been on youtube looking at the terrible cases of child abuse and i cannot even think what i would do if someone hurt my child. i hope she is not very upset, i will have to tell her one day, just not now, as i do really like her and she has been a good friend to me and would like to keep it that way, maybe after everything is sorted and i tell her she will be glad i did instead of angry.

OP posts:

BouncingTurtle · 04/09/2008 15:34

Well done, that was a wonderful thing to do. I hope that it helps get that awful man out of their lives.

silvercrown · 04/09/2008 15:57

Having a warrant out for his arrest should solve the problem surely or am I being thick?? If the police call and catch him there - he'll be arrested and taken away and she can then perhaps get help from SS or the council to relocate - preferably miles away to be safe - or go to a shelter somewhere. She could even tell the police about her fears of the naughty vids and they could search his home and return them to her???? It's all very well her not wanting the kids to be taken away from her but she has to do something to protect them otherwise what choice do SS (and you yourself) have?? If she can't protect herself and her kids from this man then someone needs to help her. They would only take the kids away from her if she was standing by him and still wanted a relationship with him and she doesn't sound like she wants this at all.

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