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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need advice

38 replies

believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 21:03

dd wants a party, her first proper one as when I lived with exdh he squandered all our money away so we could never afford one.

Right now for the problem. DD wants to invite the whole class apart from the class "bully", I dont want him there either really as he had been very cruel to dd on both a physical and mental basis but I think it would be incredibly cruel to invite everyone but him, how do i handle this.

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 03/09/2008 21:05

could you invite say 8 people instead?

S1ur · 03/09/2008 21:05

How old?

I wouldn't want to invite whole class unless you were holding party in a field (or nice open park).

So choose a few good close friends.

If inviting whole class though, that would have to include bully. Maybe you could talk to ds about why some people bully and that leaving people out is a hurtful?

S1ur · 03/09/2008 21:06

sorry dd not ds

singyswife · 03/09/2008 21:06

Hhhhhmmmmmm tough one. I had a similar situation with my dd and so I just suggested that she only chose then select feww and we had a pamper party at home. Alternatively you could put on ALL the invites that only well behaved children are allowed to come.

Original poster
believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 21:07

I could do smaller numbers I suppose which I guess cuts the bully issue out, she asked for a "big party" and because shes never had one before I guess Im trying to make up for the other five decent birthdays she hasnt had.

OP posts:
beanieb · 03/09/2008 21:08

Tell her there's a limit to the amount she can invite.

If you want to teach her a 'lesson' in not picking on one person then tell her it's all of them or a certain number and nothing in between.

Original poster
believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 21:09

sorry she will be six

OP posts:
Original poster
believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 21:09

sorry she will be six

OP posts:
S1ur · 03/09/2008 21:10

Oh well go smaller then! A big party doesn't mean everyone. 30 children is likely to dilute it anyway.

Go for 8 or so and make it Big in other ways. A fantastic cake, lots of decorations in the house, balloons, lots of games and music and bubbles and chocolate.

georgiemum · 03/09/2008 21:11

Is she not at the stage yet when she only wants her girl friends there? Or do something special and invite a handful of close friends. Then you could send a cake and party bags to the other kids in the class.

ilovemydog · 03/09/2008 21:11

My kids aren't school age, but my younger cousins tell me (in the US) that it's school policy that one cannot exclude people! Actually the school policy is that if one distributes invitations at school, then one has to invite everyone.

On one hand, it's your DD's birthday and she should do whatever she wants, but it would be using her birthday to settle a score....

If you have evidence of the bully being obnoxious, then invite him, but tell him something like, 'I'll be watching...'

noonki · 03/09/2008 21:11

don't invite them all - it will be hell, the other parents won't thank you , you will spend the next year going to 20 plus birthday parties as they will feel obliged to invite your DD.

It would be bullying to miss out the bully

smaller numbers - money goes further... more fun had by all

mrsruffallo · 03/09/2008 21:15

I would get her to pick half the class

Original poster
believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 21:16

To be honest I think she is thinking big numbers for the simple reason that she had selective mutism and was as a result really late in building any kind of "friends" She moved to a new school mid reception six months ago and although shes settled well she hadnt really got a best friend as such.
I also only know two parents, one of who is moving schools and we havent seen anyone from school at all for 6 weeks, So I think part of the reason she wants loads is because she thinks hardly anyone will come but she thinks if she invites all 28 then at least a few might turn up.

OP posts:
mellyonion · 03/09/2008 21:17

at six, i think a smaller number of close friends is more special...quality over quantity!

your dd will be far more the centre of attention than with 30 other kids who will play with their own friends and not necessarily with your dd.

for my ds 6th bday, we took about 8 boys to the kids club saturday morning cinema (£2.50 per child...each adult goes free!!) i did goody bags of nibbles, popcorn, and a bottle of juice...they loved it, we had an easy ride, and the kids all raved to ds about how cool his party was!

good luck....don't feel guilty...make this one special.

TheArmadillo · 03/09/2008 21:19

sounds like you both have had a pretty harsh time recently.

Why not give her the choice of all the class including the bully or half the class where she doesn't have to invite him.

I hope she has a really lovely birthday party whatever happens.

mellyonion · 03/09/2008 21:19

sorry...x pposted with you...

i'm sure that a few would be honoured to be invited...

could you ask her teacher who she spends most of her time with at playtime...or suggest a few names to your dd and ask her if there is anyone she doesn't want to come from there, or anyone who is missed out.... or stick to inviting all the girls, or only those in her work group, or something like that??

Original poster
believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 21:20

I thought about the saturday cinema thing, I dont drive though and nearest cinema is 20 mins drive away, do you think parents would be willing to drive that far or allow their children to go in a minibus or something?

OP posts:
singyswife · 03/09/2008 21:20

Okay so hire a hall, invite them all and be oragined. This is the key. you must be organised. When I have parties for my kids (I have only ever had the small number at home), I do a timetable and pin it to the wall so that I know what has to happen at what time. This works as you can say, okay children in 2 minutes we are going to play xxx rather than trying to shout accross wound up children. I personally would go for a big hall and strctured (as much as is possible) games etc. This works much better as at a soft play etc they can get too high and people get hurt etc. I have done and been to loads of kids parties if you need games ideas etc./

cheeset · 03/09/2008 21:22

Ask the teacher who your dd plays with at break/lunch time, invite them?

Original poster
believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 21:25

have asked teacher who she plays with, apparently she tries to link onto a few groups and they tollerate her for a while and then leave her to play on her own because of her speech and physical development delays she cant keep up with their games, am hoping a party will help her mix more, quite sad really.

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 03/09/2008 21:27

it's not sad it's a lovely idea.

Ask teacher's advice - it might be better to invite one or two from each friendship group rather than a whole group IYSWIM.

Does your dd do any activities outside school?

mrsruffallo · 03/09/2008 21:29

As this is unfolding I am warming to the idea of a big class party.
Sounds like she would love it

cargirl · 03/09/2008 21:29

If you have a large party they will still stay in their little groups. Speak to the teacher again and ask her which 2 or 3 groups she thinks accept your dd the most.

busymum1 · 03/09/2008 21:30

know of others who were in this situation invited all kids and no problems as child was aware it was party and was ultra nice etc three people I know did this and bully calmed down often bully just does not know how to make friends at this age not a bully as such just wants attention

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