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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man shouldn't have called my dd "nasty"?

114 replies

kando · 28/08/2008 13:09

DD1 had a hospital appointment today so not having anyone who could look after the other 2 dds, we all had to go. We are sitting in the waiting room (the only ones there) when a man and his little girl come in. My 3 are all playing, dd3 (2.5) was playing up a bit (she's a bit of a screamer when she doesn't get her own way) The man and his little girl stay for a little while then they wander off, then the little girl comes back in on her own. She goes to the toy section where my dds are playing, all fine, then the little girl starts crying and I turn round to see dd3 pinching the little girl in the mouth I immediately told dd3 off and told her to say sorry to the little girl, and also said sorry to her. The man comes in, gets his little girl then says "Come on, let's get away from these nasty children". So I said, "excuse me, please don't call my children nasty" and went to sit back down with dd3. He then comes back into the waiting room without his dd, comes up to me quite closely and said that I should control my children, that I should get a babysitter and leave them at home if I can't control them, and that he could hear dd3 screaming earlier. I said, she's only 2.5 and I can't control her voice, if he could suggest a way to get dd3 to stop screaming, short of gagging her, I'd be more than happy for him to tell me. He said if he could control is kids, then I should be able to control mine. Then he stormed off. I could hear his partner saying to him "leave it, leave it" but he came storming back through saying that his dd was bleeding and had a scratch. I said that I was sorry about that, and that I'd cut her nails when I got home. He went off again, then came back through with his dd and said "look at the state of her face". I was upset to see what my dd3 had done, and told her that I was sorry dd had hurt her, and asked dd3 to say sorry to the little girl again, which she did. He was much calmer when he came back through with his dd, but I felt very intimidated by him.

I appreciate that he was upset at what had happened to his dd, as was I, but did he really need to call her "nasty"? Is a 2.5 year old capable of being "nasty" rather than naughty? I'm still feeling very shaken up by this.

OP posts:
traceybath · 28/08/2008 14:30

I agree with Kewcumber. If you frequently see small children play you see they can be aggressive - it doesn't mean they're nasty and will have an ASBO in 5 years time.

My little boy was bitten on the face (blood drawn) by a friend's son - she was far more mortified and upset than i was. It was a phase and he grew out of it.

The man over-reacted and he was nasty to you - he was putting adult intentions onto a 2.5 year old in my opinion.

Hope the appointment went well.

kerryk · 28/08/2008 14:33

i remember when dd1 was about 14 months i was pushing her in a trolley and as we passed another trolley with a boy in it he reaced over and grabbed a clump of her hair and scratched her face.

i did go mental and screamed at the (poor) mum that she should keep her animal under control (i know, i know)

i can only put nit down to dd1 being a very pfb and being such a gentle little thing, i could not bear it that someone had hurt her.

anyway shortly after that i had dd2 and i have well and truly learned my lesson, she is the type of child who is always pushing and hitting, one day this man may as understand what it feels like to have a child who is like this.

TwoIfBySea · 28/08/2008 14:39

For sure he over-reacted and was very "nasty" himself but as this was in a hospital perhaps there was more to his story and this just pushed him over the edge. Unfortunately you were there to cop it fully.

I know what it is like to be stuck in hospital with kids, add to that the pressure of whatever you are there for and you have to accept some people will react to things a touch extreme.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/08/2008 14:41

It is possible to comfort your own child when hurt without resorting to name calling yourself.

If ds1 hurts ds2 or ds3 we talk about how he hurt them because 'he doesn't understand'. The same could have been used here. "She hurt you because she's little and doesn't understand how to share yet". Has the advantage or being accurate/truthful as well.

reginaphilangy · 28/08/2008 15:00

Am reading this because only a few months ago a baby, yes a baby (probably around 18mnths/2yrs) was carrying a little basket in mothercare. My dd3 (then about 11 mnths) tottered up to her. The little girl looked at dd3, drew her arm back and whacked her full in the face with the basket! I was livid!

I marched my dd away saying to stay away from the "nasty little girl"

In my defence, there was no apology or anything from parent, despite my dd howling and holding her face

I can understand why the guy was upset, however, to keep coming back was totally un-necessary and OTT. The apology should (IMO) have been graciously accepted and that should have been that.

Idobelieveinfairies · 28/08/2008 15:11

He should not have called your daughter nasty...she is 2 and a half and got it wrong this time. She was told why not to act like that....she was told to apologise and she did.

She is a child-children get things wrong sometimes..as long as there is guidance then they will hopefully learn what is right and wrong.

silly silly annoying man!

QuintessentialShadow · 28/08/2008 16:05

I am actually a little surprised.
Kando admit the children were playing behind her. So, she was not really supervising them, and her child hurt another child. The man takes her daughter out referring to Kando's children as nasty, and Kando pipes up in her childrens defence. This would have been a good opportunity to bite the lip, apologise again, instead of escalating the situation. Like some other poster said, he was actually leaving, but Kando had to have the last word. Despite her child having hurt another child, while she had her back to her playing children.

hercules1 · 28/08/2008 16:11

Of course 2 year olds cant be nasty. I am surprised at the number of people on this thread who would be abusive to the parent of a child of this age hurting another child.

QuintessentialShadow · 28/08/2008 16:14

I wouldnt be abusive to the parent. If a child hurt my child, I protect and support my child by taking him out of the situation, often coupled by an explanation of why: the other child/children are hurting them and are not very nice. If then the childs parent butt in and have a go at ME, rather than apologizing for their childs behaviour, I would not just stand and take it like doormat. I would stand up for my child and myself.

StayFrosty · 28/08/2008 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkjenny · 28/08/2008 16:20

Someone called me a stupid bitch last week for taking a toy off their child in the doctors waiting room. I didn't actually see their child playing with it, to be fair.

Although I don't agree with it per se, I think if someone made my PFB bleed, I would have a lot to say.

But that wouldn't necessarily be right or rational, just my initial reaction.

Original poster
kando · 28/08/2008 16:21

QS - I did apologise - immediately to the little girl and then to her dad. Had he said "that little girl wasn't very nice" then I wouldn't have said anything. Perhaps I am wrong in saying what I did.

Thanks to all for contributing. As some have suggested, I'm going to let it drop.

OP posts:
minouminou · 28/08/2008 16:21

There's no guarantee that kando biting her lip would've prevented this guy coming back 2 or 3 times...sounds like he is the nasty piece of work and i doubt this is out of character for him

purpleduck · 28/08/2008 16:26

Maybe its a "Dad" thing..
mums tend to have more experience with children's behaviour, so although we don't LIKE it when our children get hurt, we realise that it happens, and hopefully also realise that our children are now always perfect.

purpleduck · 28/08/2008 16:27

our children are NOT always perfect.
Obviously my children are not NOW perfect...

wasabipeanut · 28/08/2008 16:29

I wouldn't have been overly chuffed if it had been my ds that had ended up with a cut face but then also realise that it's highly likely to be my ds dishing it out in a couple of years time.

I think the bloke overeacted but as several others have said you don't know the background. I do think you reacted well - its all too easy to get defensive.

dalek · 28/08/2008 16:30

minouninou - how can you say such a thing? My DH is Mr Placid and would never pick a fight but if this had happened to DD he would probably have said the same - admittedly he would not have gone back but if the other parent had not let it drop he probably would have said something like "look at my child - your child did that - that's nasty"

How can you make a judgement about this man based on the one sided account you've read here? Words fail me!

thebecster · 28/08/2008 16:30

Sounds to me like he was stressed, being in hospital with kids, and over-reacted. I suspect if he thinks his kids are totally under control that he actually doesn't spend much time with them and doesn't have much experience of looking after tiny kids and so didn't realise that this was totally normal behaviour from your DD - lots of men don't know what little kids are like, if their wife is SAHM and they work long hours. Since his OH was saying 'leave it' I suspect she knew it was totally normal. Of course you shouldn't call a kid 'nasty' but I had to explain the whole 'don't label the child, label the behaviour' thing to my DH - he knows a lot about the offside rule but sweet FA about modern parenting norms because he doesn't do as much of it as me, and doesn't spend any time on MN! Once I'd explained he got it straight away, but he didn't do it instinctively.

CuckooSplodgeandTubs · 28/08/2008 16:40

He is the nasty one. I came across a man recently who kept describing his grandchild as being demonic, having the devil in him... he just kept saying it. It was upsetting me just listening to it. I said "you mean he is naughty?" but he didn't get my subtle reprimand.

Ignore.

peacelily · 28/08/2008 16:43

Quite shocked, well horrified at the number of posters on here who think it's ok to call a child "nasty", it's "nasty" to even think such a thing IMO, especially about a 2.5 year old.

Agree totally with Mrs. Mattie and to go on to the poor OP about supervision FFS! It's bad enough trying to keep one under control in a stressful situation such as that. My dd (23m) has been going through a pinching/biting "stage" for what seems like an eternity, I ALWAYS make her apologise and make a huge fuss of the other child. At home she gets timed out. If parents continue to be miffed after this then I just think F**k'em I'm afriad there's nothing else you can do.

The reason she bites/scratches OCCASSIONALLY because I do my utmost best to supervise her is usually in retaliation to another child pushing/hitting her or taking something from her. Surprisingly enough these children are NEVER reprimanded for their behavioural transgressions.

Some Mums understabnd and accept out apologies with grace and sometimes humour (as I do when it's the other way round) some sneer and comment and are generally unpleasant, and IMO these Mums are idiots.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 28/08/2008 16:44

The child is 2 1/2. The other child had a scratch. It happens. Yes it is upsetting but the child who inflicted the scratch is young too and there was no need for the dad to speak in such a manner.

snarky · 28/08/2008 16:48

My dad frequently describes ds2 as having the devil in him. He means it as a compliment I think, he is always gazing proudly at some piece of appalling naughtiness bing enacted when he says it

I think the man lost his temper. He shouldn't have, but I don't think we can extrapolate very much about his general character from it. Nor does it matter, given that the OP isn't likely to have to deal with him again. Put it down to experience and put it behind you. We all know nice children do nasty things sometimes.

Quattrocento · 28/08/2008 16:49

I am sorry Kando but

(i) You need to manage your children to prevent them hurting others. This might only be possible after the fact sometimes but you need to take responsibility for this.

(ii) Your dd should not be screaming in a public place - you should be distracting her and accepting your responsibility to other people

and (iii) I do think that pinching and making another child bleed is plain nasty. Not naughty. Nasty.

BellaDonna79 · 28/08/2008 16:50

He was rude and obnoxious BUT TBH I would not have found your daughter's behaviour acceptable,

yes she is only 2.5 but if you can't trust her to behave suitably then you should have been supervising her more closely. I would have been apopleptic if any of my children were stracted hard enough to draw blood!

There is a difference between taking a toy etc which, while not nice behaviour isn't physically violent and actually drawing blood.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 28/08/2008 16:53

Oh fgs a 2 year old scratching is not causing permanent facia scarring.

And yes as a big grown up in control of your emotions (well unless your PFB gets scratched ) you know that "there is a difference between taking a toy etc which, while not nice behaviour isn't physically violent and actually drawing blood." BUT you don't know that as a 2 year old. You learn it.