Oh dear. The first real problem with our neighbours...what to do?

[FlightAttendent]

Last month we moved into a lovely flat, which is next door to a residential thingy for patients discharged from the local mental hospital.

I have a good friend who works as an OT and told me it is fine - they carefully decide who to place there as it is in a residential area. Most of the patients are fairly stable as far as he knows, etc etc.

We've not had any trouble at all, I was feeling confident. But this morning, ds's 1&2 were out in our garden alone, while I emailed my mother back - ds1 was calling me in a silly way, 'maaar-my' over and over again, not loudly, because he wanted me to go out and play with him - I went to the window and said I would be out in 5 minutes.

He went back to the climbing frame and sat there calling some more. Not in distress, just repeatedly in a daft way.

I went to go out a minute later, to hear a low voice over the wall from next door - saying 'alright ds1?' (he knew his name )
Ds1 shyly smiled back and nodded.
Voice said 'what about the daughter, is she alright?'

Ds1 nodded again, glanced at me - I went out and the man said 'It's only me - I thought he might need help or something'. I said, 'No, thanks he's fine, I was just there (pointing to door)'
He said' what about your daughter, haven't you got a daughter over there?'
He obv meant ds2, who was perfectly alright and quiet.
I said 'No, that's my other son, he is fine'

The man was reluctant to let it drop but eventually wandered off.

I felt horrible, it was intrusive, unnecessary, and the worst thing (I shouldn't care probably) was that Ds1 was trouserless in every sense

I think he should be allowed to play in his own garden without worrying about this stuff but have now had to have a word, which makes me sad.

I can't help feeling upset that this person should be looking over our wall and speaking to my children unless they are friends and I have introduced them.

Especially as I was actually speaking to Ds1 loudly, asking him to come in and get his trousers on, at the same time as the man was insistently trying to have a conversation with him. He could obv hear me shouting but carried on acting as though I was not there and my children somehow warranted his attention.

Sorry to rant but am not sure how to prevent this happening again, unless the hedge we are putting in grows 10 times faster than it is likely to...there is already a decent wall but this doesn't appear to provide sufficient privacy.

I wouuld find this annoying too FA

go round and speak to the warden or whatever and say you don't like him leaning over your wall

Unfortuntately FA. We do not live in a society where we can leave our front doors open, park the babes outside woolworths for 3 hours while you go round town shopping etc...I think you are being sensible being cautious in this day n age. Stay vigilant at all times, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

TE - so bite me !

I hope it isn't awful to resurrect this thread, but this evening I have ahd some insight as to why I was so bothered.

Man appeared and started to try and make conversation. I smiled, nodded but tried not to enter into dialogue, and he just stood there, and carried on asking Ds questions about what he was doing.

Ds quite wanted to go and talk to him, but then Ds does talk to everyone he meets, seems to have no sense of people being 'strangers' as such - then it struck me, that he was in essence talking to a stranger. It is someone I do not know (not even a name) and is not a permanent neighbour, and in fact we know (and have the right to know) absolutely nothing about him.

It feels to me as though Ds is talking to a stranger on the street.
What is more this is a stranger who does not recognise the usual social mores around children (or me)
Usually a bloke in the street would not attempt to engage a child in conversation, when he did not know the child's parents, or worse when the child was not with their parents. Most people are aware that this is not desirable. Mainly because children shouldn't be talking to people in these circumstances. Let alone answering personal questions.

This is why I feel it isn't a good thing. I want to encourage Ds NOT to talk to everyone who talks to him and NOT to get into conversation with people who Do Not Know Mummy, unless Mummy is very much there and is joining in.

If this guy were a permanent neighbour of course I would make efforts to get to know him and be friendly, but he is not, we know nothing about him and I think it needs to be clear to Ds that we are not friends, just because he is staying next door.

I might have a word with the staff on that basis, in case they can help to discourage it. Because I do feel it is inappropriate.

Thanks for reading, I had to sort of fill in the missing link there and feel I've explained better now.

...and if it were a permanent neighbour I wuld feel justified in asking him questions about himself, but in the situation as it is I do not as it is none of my business and furthermore I doubt the man would want to answer. He won;'t even be there in a few months/weeks.

That is why I don't see much hope of a mutually helpful relationship. It's sad but I think it's the truth.

I have some family members who have been in residential care type housing. There will be staff in the flats, why don't you have a word with them and say you don't like the guy looking over your fence? You don't have to go into your reasons and all but just say you felt it was an invasion of privacy.

The places I'm familiar with are very good, the resident won't be punished or anything like that. After all, the guy is meant to be integrating back into the community and perhaps he needs to know not to peer over his neighbour's hedges. Or maybe he needs to learn to peer more discreetly like the rest of us.

I understand why you're concerned, i wouldn't want strangers chatting to my dc either, but i do think it's kind of sad that you didn't even find out his name.

I suppose I'd have felt more inclined to ask his name if I thought there was any chance I would be able to be his friend, but tbh I have a lot to cope with at the moment and dealing with people who can't be relied on to observe the usual 'rules' about how to interact with other people's children, just makes me feel it is more than I can manage at present. I just don't want to be constantly supervising.

Fwiw I know he is someone's son, and I wish him well but I don't want to be friends.

I had a good friend, a woman my age who had a little boy a year before ds1 was born. She was another single mother, and we got on well - I liked her a lot.

Well, I didnt see her for some years and when she made contact again, it was after having been in a mental hospital for psychosis (caused she thought by having a bad hash addiction).

Anyway she needed me to refer her for a flat I used to have. I thought at first she was just her usual flaky self, but as she turned up at my hosue more and more and at inappropriate times, bringing a small, pooey puppy with her and talking manically to my childen - the baby cried whenever she approached him, she talked over me constantly, couldn't stop to listen or interact - I realised she wasn't right at all.

I felt really bad but I ended up not letting her in any more as although my children liked her, it really upset them to see someone being so mad for want of a better word.

Children know when someone is not Ok and it does worry them - ds used to say 'why is ... so cross?' when in fact she never seemed cross to me, just very overexcited.

So I guess I am a little prejudiced. I can't allow a similar situation again, I really can't. I don't want to be friends and particularly as I don't know anything about him. No offence intended but I haven't the strength atm

You nodded and smiled at him FA - I would do the same. You weren't rude and didnt ignore him. The only thing I would do different is probably find out his name so you can talk to his key/careworker if his presence becomes too much.

Even if you don't have his name, could you give a good description of his appearance and what he was wearing?

Yes - I think I will have a word - trouble is there's no manager there atm, the job is vacant - so no idea who to speak to.

In response to the questions about finding out his name, and why not just let ds talk to him, I guess you could compare it to some bloke walking up to your child in the park and asking their name, what they were doing etc whilst ignoring their mother...

you wouldn't say, 'ask the nice man what his name is ds' would you?

You would just smile and say 'come on dear we have to go now'.

I've told ds to say he has to go if the man talks to him again.

I said we don't talk to people we don't know anything about, unless mummy is there with you and mummy is joining in.

The fact he's staying next door doesn't really make him a neighbour imo. He could be gone tomorrow.

anyone you know that needs a job? get a friendly face in the job and you'll feel safer!!

Do I know you Misi?

My good friend is an OT and was thinking of going for the manager's job...

I don't see the big deal. My dad has actually been in a psychiatric hospital (not a mental hospital).

The man just responded to the sound of a child crying out which is one our most basic human instincts.

Mental issues aside FA, I can completely understand why you do not want people peering over your fence.

My neighbour is not mentally ill. But she will peer over my fence and bang my door constantly. If my front windows are open she will just shove her head through and start talking to me, making me jump out of my skin! Its cheeky and unwelcome.

As harmless as she is she can wind me up beyond belief! To the point where I have sat here with curtains drawn all day just to get away from her.

Nothing wrong with wanting privacy in your own home.

god people peering over your fence is a pita.

you feel like yuo can't move or have any privacy whoever it is, and going into your garden becomes an issue.

then you start trying not to make any noise opening the door/gate, end up whispering.

this guy is prob feeling like he has new friends, has a connection but whatever, you need your garden back.

I have i very low fence, and will be getting it made higher. There must be someone you can speak to about the tennants??

exactly shybaby

I had a word with some of the staff whom we've spoken to before...

They didn't see it as a problem. They told me his name. I just said that I wasn't sure what to do without upsetting anyone, but that one of the chaps had been talking to ds when I wasn't there, and that I have been trying to sdiscourage him speaking to strangers without mummy.

They said 'But it is a bit different to a stranger in the street' and I didn't want to say 'How exactly?' so I left it at that...then the bloke appeared, and we had a brief chat about where he had been all morning, he is Ok, just a bit socially awkward.

Anyway he hasn't been out the back for a few days and I have just got some shrubs to plant where we are overlooked so I think it's alright. I feel better now anyway.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable actually.Sometimes instinct is a powerful tool in judging a situation and if there are patients of the type you describe next door then I am sure that made you extra sensitive.Don't want to get flamed but am speaking as the sister of someone with schizophrenia and although I am used to his ways and aware that his illness is well controlled with meds I still find his unpredictability unnerving at times Hope you feel ok now xx

thanks NH

i hav decided I am not bu.

This morn ds1 was on front wall, perfectly ok, and blok is smoking on their front drive.

(sorry crap keyboard)

bloke starts askin ds what he's doing. Then wanders over to ds1, who is hiding his face on wall and won't talk to bloke.

Bloke is persistent and gets really close, with cigarett hand right by ds' head/fac, resting on wall, looks about to put other hand on ds back. I say loudly (am getting buggy ready with ds2) 'It's Ok , he's fine'. 'he might fall off'..'NO He is FINE.'

bloke will not let up so I hav to stop what I am doing and go and lift ds1 off wall.

I am actually pretty angry about this, it is highly inapropriate.