Oh dear. The first real problem with our neighbours...what to do?

[FlightAttendent]

Last month we moved into a lovely flat, which is next door to a residential thingy for patients discharged from the local mental hospital.

I have a good friend who works as an OT and told me it is fine - they carefully decide who to place there as it is in a residential area. Most of the patients are fairly stable as far as he knows, etc etc.

We've not had any trouble at all, I was feeling confident. But this morning, ds's 1&2 were out in our garden alone, while I emailed my mother back - ds1 was calling me in a silly way, 'maaar-my' over and over again, not loudly, because he wanted me to go out and play with him - I went to the window and said I would be out in 5 minutes.

He went back to the climbing frame and sat there calling some more. Not in distress, just repeatedly in a daft way.

I went to go out a minute later, to hear a low voice over the wall from next door - saying 'alright ds1?' (he knew his name )
Ds1 shyly smiled back and nodded.
Voice said 'what about the daughter, is she alright?'

Ds1 nodded again, glanced at me - I went out and the man said 'It's only me - I thought he might need help or something'. I said, 'No, thanks he's fine, I was just there (pointing to door)'
He said' what about your daughter, haven't you got a daughter over there?'
He obv meant ds2, who was perfectly alright and quiet.
I said 'No, that's my other son, he is fine'

The man was reluctant to let it drop but eventually wandered off.

I felt horrible, it was intrusive, unnecessary, and the worst thing (I shouldn't care probably) was that Ds1 was trouserless in every sense

I think he should be allowed to play in his own garden without worrying about this stuff but have now had to have a word, which makes me sad.

I can't help feeling upset that this person should be looking over our wall and speaking to my children unless they are friends and I have introduced them.

Especially as I was actually speaking to Ds1 loudly, asking him to come in and get his trousers on, at the same time as the man was insistently trying to have a conversation with him. He could obv hear me shouting but carried on acting as though I was not there and my children somehow warranted his attention.

Sorry to rant but am not sure how to prevent this happening again, unless the hedge we are putting in grows 10 times faster than it is likely to...there is already a decent wall but this doesn't appear to provide sufficient privacy.

but i still do understand but maybe this scares me slightly as this could be my ds one day and i know he wouldnt mean to upset anyone just very caring and considerate you musta lso remember they havent much understanding to emotion so may not have noticed ds wasnt in distress but just heard calling alot and came to check all was ok

speak to care worker you may find it puts your mind at rest and may even befriend your neighbour i tend to feel i ahve to be more open minded now as it could be my ds one day so have to see the other side

but i do kind of understand but if first time looked his not continuously invading privacy and it was out of concern

Bumdiddley What is the need to say things like that??

Sorry, I didn't mean she was unfriendy to her dss,

Maybe he was firendly to her sons becuse she isn't firendly/approachable to him?

As in the title thread - it's not really a problem is it?

yes sorry meaning it in my ds sence he hasnt much understanding and didnt know how to word it sorry no offense meant obviously as have ds with sn but been throwing up today and words coming out wrong sorry

he hasnt same levels of understanding as others i meant but wrote it wrong and meant to say maybe neighbour is the same tried to shorten it as not well but wrote it wrong my apologies i wouldnt be so rude to my own child or anyone else with sn sorry

Are you saying he doesn't understand because he is recovering from a mental illness??

eevryone knows me im not that kind of person just really ill today so sorry all i wont write things without thinking it through first my head is all over place been so sick just thought id come on here to take mind off it and made boo boo sorry

no its hard for me to explain myself today im saying she doesnt know what mental illness he has or he may be like my ds who has lack of understanding to other peoples emotions there fore not realising children were not in distress thats all no bad words to mental illness or recovering but no one knows what is wrong with him so was trying to see it from maybe his point of view

im trying to be nice thats all and understanding as looking at my ds in few years and this could be him as he has no awareness to emotions so would probably just go look and he would not know to go to front door just trying to see it from another angle instaed of him sounding so intrusive

I think sometimes on MN there is way too much of this self-righteous judginess. If a stranger who is highly likely to have a mental illness was speaking to my children without my being there I would be anxious about it. Political correctness aside THIS IS ENTIRELY NORMAL. It isn't fair and it is certainly prejudiced but the fact is that you have no way of predicting how he (or any stranger for that matter) will behave and my protective instincts would definitely kick in whether I wanted to admit to them or not. I am not sure that people who say otherwise are being entirely honest with themselves ...

agree totally, stillstanding. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary from the outside world, where you don't have to constantly be monitoring your kids if they are enclosed and safe and you can hear them and know they are ok. It would be awful to feel that you couldn't let them off the leash in their own home.

crushwitheyeliner I am astonished you seek an explanation as to why an adult (me)living next door to a child might check it was ok when it was repeatedly calling for its mother who failed to appear.And in the process strike up a friendly adult neighbour/child neighbour conversation.

hmmm i understand your concerns but they would be a concern to me iykwim.

he probably just wanted a chat with someone.

a lot of the neighbours here knew my dd's names before they met us as they heard us all the time calling to them and to each other.

i live in a high population % of people with disablilities, physical and mental, inc those with mental health issues as well. have never found the area a problem tbh.

my kids are often nude in the garden, which makes my neighbours laugh when i call them in with 'xxx doesnt want to see your bottom dd1/2/3'

Oh I am so sorry I started this...please can we forget I said anything?

I have read everything through. Just a couple of points to mention,

1. The fact he has MH issues isn't entirely relevant though it does colour my thoughts somewhat, as I do not know the chap. I have no doubt that he was purely being friendly but lacking in social codes that we mainly take for granted among people not suffering from severe schitzophrenia or similar. (The people here do not live independently - the unit is staffed 24/7. The next step would be to move onto a less supervised house - I have also lived near one like that, never had any problems - and I doubt this one will cause us any more really).

2. Nowhere and at no time did I intend to suggest that the guy was a 'kiddie peeker'. (upsetting term)
   I had felt uncomfortable because someone I do not know was looking into my garden and I prefer to feel that my children are private within our property. I had no sense at any time during the incident that he was interested remotely in my child's nether regions. None at all.

3. the calling lasted approximately 2 minutes. it was neither prolonged nor distressing, purely slightly annoying!
   Ds was not 'shouting'. I was.

4. I think I was just oversensitive today and have been having problems with other things so was feeling very vulnerable. The incident botheed me more than it would usually and indeed should.

I am sorry for writing a post about it, it was daft and probably offended some of you - I am very sorry. We are in fact very lucky to live here and they have not caused us any real problems - as someone said, far more use worrying about the average person along the road who has no diagnosis of anything yet still downloads horrific images by night and goes to work pretending to be normal.

Again, I am very sorry. Bubbla - I'm sure your ds is lovely and I expect this chap is as well, but I got worked up because I am feeling alone here - we moved further from my family to this place - and I need to get over myself

Thanks for the discussion and helpful replies. I appreciate it.

some patients that are released into the wild (an term a psychologist friend uses) often have a lack of social understanding and possibly a child like understanding of the world. some are very bright but cannot express themselves in an adult fashion. some have fantastic memories and the ability to mimic.
I personally would keep an eye open but often you will find that this man was probably communicating with your children on a similar level and he has no understanding of social fears or worries. he may have been reluctant to leave or disengage as he was genuinely worried for them, a low constant call for mum is often a sign that a child is not in total distress/scared but is hurt/injured and he may have been through that himself and remembered what it was like. that you were actually nearby will be irrelevant to him at the time until you spoke directly to him where he possibly became confused in either dealing with an 'adult' or that you had let your children call you like this without coming out (not a critism of you by the way). I am the same as you, I do get worried when anyone speaks to my son when we are out without making themselves known to me first but this is part of human nature, both to be worried and to be communal. there is far to much PC around today and too much fear of strangers.

if your fence around the garden is a panel type fence it should be around 1.8m high? if so, you can legally add up to 18'' of trellis to the top, this would make it more difficult to peer over the top, and possibly grow a fast climber like a russian vine so it fills in the trellis quite quickly?

theres nothing I can say that will really ease your worries as worrying about your kids safety is inbuilt and natural but I get the impression from my pscho friend (thats what we call her, the psycho psychologist!!) that patients in the community are vetted quite rigourously nowadays.

hope it helps somewhat

Yes, it does - thankyou very much Misi

It's a wall actually - varies in height, from about 8-9 ft in places but then the garden goes up a big step, so it's only about 3 ft in others.

I like the idea about the mile a minute vine!
Will sort something out.

The problem really is my terrible antisocial nature - a good friend (the OT) told me he was amazed at my 'welcome' doormat - he said he thought it ought to say 'piss off'!!!

Oh and one more thing - the residents change quite often, so we don't really get to know any of them.

changing often hardly inspires the ability to get to know and be friendly does it?

you can still add a trellis or fence topper to the lower walls or my favourite, the plastic spikes (prikka) you can get to deter birds (or cats in my situation) from sitting on your walls and fences (walking along, crapping on etc etc etc )
I think you can only put these on higher fences and walls though.

www.prikka-strip.com/

as to being anti social, WTFC
wary of others is something in todays society, remember when you were a kid? don't talk to strangers? all has a later life psychological impact.

Thanks! I quite like the idea of randomly aggressive garden trimmings, tbh

Well I went out for approx 4 minutes to get the washing in - and who should turn up just over the wall but, yes, our friend the Bloke.

He loudly said 'alright?' to which I had to reply, 'Yes, thanks, and you?' but I am starting to feel slightly stalked.

I really, really, really hope I am imagining it. Two incidents in one day doesn't make grounds for anything. He is probably very nice but if I am honest, I am never too comfortable being on my own and get a bit anxious at night, especially - wherever we live - and this doesn't really help.

I am sure it will seem completely daft in the morning.

It could be that the Bloke is just very bored and is also very keen to have contact with people who are not part of the mental hospital he has come out of. I haven't read all the posts, but you say it is like a half way house? Perhaps he is just desperately trying to connect with 'normal' people?

Yes maybe, and I am aware of being uncharitable this evening. I just hate being talked to, really. I must be really odd!

Poor chap probably just wants to be friendly. But I don't! I just want to be able to relax in my garden and not have to talk to actual people.

IABVVU aren't I?

You need to put up a higher fence, then. Treat this as a practical problem.

I do see what you mean about needing to relax, but some people (anyone) if they see you, will feel it's ok to talk to you.

Yes. You're completely right. I will go out there, sit next to my little hedge plants and chant soothing spells at them. With any luck we will have a thick, thorny, impenetrable hedge by next Thursday

I had a sneaking suspicion that the issue was all mine....

Haven't read the whole thread but tbh, rightly or wrongly i would feel totally the same and imo YANBU.

Dont think the mental health reference is an issue, or the no trousers thing.

The fact is a man you do not know is peering over your garden wall and calling your children by their names to ask them if they are ok, whilst you are trying to deal with the situation yourself.

If it was hearing your DS that got his attention, then he should have realisticly heard you shouting to DS too.

Are you being unreasonable to be concerned?? Well if you are, then i too would be unreasonable

prikka's are great the cats hate them too!
he is probably trying to connect and is lonely and you are probably the only person he has interacted with. still, you want your peace and I don't blame you, sometimes I want to live in the middle of no-where to get away from some people!
chanting spells huh? are you a witch of some kind? instead of chanting at the plants.................