Oh dear. The first real problem with our neighbours...what to do?

[FlightAttendent]

Last month we moved into a lovely flat, which is next door to a residential thingy for patients discharged from the local mental hospital.

I have a good friend who works as an OT and told me it is fine - they carefully decide who to place there as it is in a residential area. Most of the patients are fairly stable as far as he knows, etc etc.

We've not had any trouble at all, I was feeling confident. But this morning, ds's 1&2 were out in our garden alone, while I emailed my mother back - ds1 was calling me in a silly way, 'maaar-my' over and over again, not loudly, because he wanted me to go out and play with him - I went to the window and said I would be out in 5 minutes.

He went back to the climbing frame and sat there calling some more. Not in distress, just repeatedly in a daft way.

I went to go out a minute later, to hear a low voice over the wall from next door - saying 'alright ds1?' (he knew his name )
Ds1 shyly smiled back and nodded.
Voice said 'what about the daughter, is she alright?'

Ds1 nodded again, glanced at me - I went out and the man said 'It's only me - I thought he might need help or something'. I said, 'No, thanks he's fine, I was just there (pointing to door)'
He said' what about your daughter, haven't you got a daughter over there?'
He obv meant ds2, who was perfectly alright and quiet.
I said 'No, that's my other son, he is fine'

The man was reluctant to let it drop but eventually wandered off.

I felt horrible, it was intrusive, unnecessary, and the worst thing (I shouldn't care probably) was that Ds1 was trouserless in every sense

I think he should be allowed to play in his own garden without worrying about this stuff but have now had to have a word, which makes me sad.

I can't help feeling upset that this person should be looking over our wall and speaking to my children unless they are friends and I have introduced them.

Especially as I was actually speaking to Ds1 loudly, asking him to come in and get his trousers on, at the same time as the man was insistently trying to have a conversation with him. He could obv hear me shouting but carried on acting as though I was not there and my children somehow warranted his attention.

Sorry to rant but am not sure how to prevent this happening again, unless the hedge we are putting in grows 10 times faster than it is likely to...there is already a decent wall but this doesn't appear to provide sufficient privacy.

He probably has been talking to them while I was indoors tbh - ds1 talks to anyone who will stand still long enough!

I think I resent the fact I have to be vigilant. Which is after all part of my job.

I might even have to stop MNing and actually supervise sometimes...

Yes I can see why you would feel that way. How old are your DC's if u don't mind me asking

LOL at supervise thanks for reminding me that the kids are running riot around the house

Stop NM'ing. now that wouldn't do. Get a lap top and MN while supervising. Multitasking mother

5 and 1, tobe.

Lol Dusty!

It is perfectly rational to have extra concerns because the stranger is staying in the mental hospital. It obviously makes him less likely to be a balanced individual. Before I am flamed, yes I have had mental health issues and no I wasn't especially balanced while undergoing treatment. Sometimes political correctness gets in the way of common sense!

As to what you can do about it, maybe the bamboo fence is the best thing. And horrible a suggestion as it is, I would consider explaining to your DS1 that the people next door are not very predictable and that you don't want him talking to them. It is a real shame because from the man's perspective he was probably enjoying a perfectly normal and lovely conversation with a child. But that doesn't make your concern less valid.

Is there a careworker or permanent member of staff next door? You could have a word with them about it. They will almost certainly be able to reassure you, and perhaps even have a word with the residents about appropriate behaviour. TBH I don't really see a problem with this man knowing your kids' names, as your garden is obviously overlooked and he will have heard you all talking out there.

We are next door to a residential home for adults with learning difficulties, and a retirement estate. I'm sure most of our neighbours know lots about us just because you can't help overhearing things when you're outside.

I remember this happening when I was a kid - the guy next door knew our names because he heard us calling each other. Same with all our friends.

as i said, i know i was over reacting.

most normal neighbours know the names of the kids in their neighbourhood. because they have overheard them being spoken to.
most normal people cannot ignore a childs cries of distress, even when the mum insists they children are fine.
i still think the op was being out of order.

Stitch there were NO cries of distress. Not a single one sounded remotely as though he was distressed.

I think the man was behaving in an inappropriate way but not with any ill intention. I was silly to post about it as it wasn't a major deal.

Thanks for all the thoughts though everyone

While you're waiting for your hedge to grow, you could move the climbing frame nearer to the house.
You could even put temporary screening behind it - a row of tall plants in pots or a runner bean frame in summer or a temporary fence.

Might give you a little extra peace of mind and privacy.

Stitch I have to disagree these children were in the privacy of there back garden and a neighbour that both the mother and children didn't know was talking to a 5yr old and calling him by name. Its all very well and good when everyone knows each other but for a grown man to look over the fence and talk to this child was not called for. That's regardless of there illness My DP would not look over the neighbour's fence if he heard a child crying he would knock on the front door even if he knew the child.

I think you should see if there is some kind of careworker there.

Flightattendent please ignore Stitch I think you did the right thing seeking advice about this and I do agree that you should be upset and annoyed about it I would be.

If I heard a child repeatedly calling for its mum, (in a non distressed tone) and I was in the garden over the wall I wouod absolutely look over and say "hello Billy are you ok?"

Yes troubledfriend but the Children and OP don't know this neighbour and have never spoken to them.

Stitch, flight has said that her DS was not shouting her name in distress, he was just shouting because he wanted his mum to come out and play.

There was no need for the man to peer over the wall and talk to her DS for that reason.

Hold on a moment, stop apologising for doing what we're forever telling mothers to do, which is to listen to your instinct.

It does sound a bit dodgy and you don't sound like a prejudiced person at all. It would make me uneasy and whoever said that you should get your ds to cover up in unreasonable. If your dc's can't run around naked in there own gardens, then where on earth can they?

I think you need to reassurance and the sugestion to introduce yourself to the relevant care worker/supervisor is a good one.

2be there has to be a first time for speaking to your new neighbour, whatever age they are.

If I moved to an area and was adjacent to a small child repeatedly calling (in ANY tone at all!) his mum I would not only speak to the child I would ask his name!

FlightAttendant you can buy a raffeter type screen fencing on a roll from BNQ for £20 a roll You did mention your son was on a climbing frame so I'm a little unsure if he was lookin over next door [from high on frame] or neighbour lookin over...maybe you could move the frame? aT Least you know these people have mentle health probs. There are currently hostels that do house some peeps that have convictions against children...I knew a guy [friends brother] who had served 8 years and nobody in that street would have known it was just a large victorian house. He told me that the residents of the hostel even lie to each other about their 'true crime'. He didn't have ANY mental health issues in fact most women would have found him quite 'average' lookin.
I suppose that if you did'nt know everything about your neighbours 'conditions' it could make you a little concerned, but I personally would be more concerned about the 'joe average' up the road.
I hope i've explained myself o.k.

why would you do that jasper?

I would not be happy if I moved to a new area and my DC's being of the same age as OP randomly spoke to people peering over my fence in my back garden its an invasion of privacy regardless if my child was crying or laughing.

As an Adult I would not peer over my neighbours fence and speak to the Kids if I didnt know them if I felt there was a problem with the child I would knock on the front door and speak to an adult.

I kind of think the fact your son had no trousers on irrelevant. Son not bothered, neighbour probably also not bothered. He;s only 3. Why should it matter?

I can understand your discomfort though, and think you are on the whole NBU. I just try and forget the incident and only have concerns if he did anything you perceive to be odd again.
As others have said, most likely he was bored and concerned, and through whatever mh 'issues' he might have, perhaps he has trouble with social boundaries?

Stitch- I find that quite sad you think it is not appropriate for small children to feel free to run around in their own garden/house without clothes on. Whether overlooked or not, it's his own home. Same with my son. He is often running out into the garden semi-clad, and our garden is overlooked by a few other houses. I could not give a stuff if anyone has a problem with that, as it's our garden and if they don't like it, then don't be nosy. Plus, I would not for one second worry about anything untoward in people's glances!
Out in public. Entirely different.

He's only 5, not 3, sorry. you know what I mean(!)

i have to be honest if i heard a child calling continuously and for whatever reason didnt hear a reply i would be inclined to look what if mum was hurt and kids were alone

if these people have mental health issues they are genuinly quite concerned about others and as for knowing there names is it possible mental health worker could have said 2 children next door called so and so

he may have genuinly been concerned and needed reassurance all was ok before he left not being an intruder but just trying to be caring neighbour

i do feel slight as kids had no trousers on that he was kind of being accused of peeking but if he was looking that hard he would have known the other child wasnt a dd but ds

i think you got off on wrong foot sounds to me like he was just checking all was well but has now been portrayed as kiddie peeker and intruding privacy when i really dont think that was the case

he could be an adult with autism who gets told who people are and names so he feels settled he could be just very caring without awareness to other peoples privacy he may have just thought he was helping and in all honesty i would ahve been happy if i knew someone cared enough to check what if something was wrong and no one checked

i can understand how you feel but people with mental illness whatever it is dont know sometimes they are doing wrong they just think there helping unless he was being viscious or leering at children i wouldnt be overly bothered probably because my ds has ASD and is very caring with not much understanding of someone elses space etc and wouldnt want him to be thought of as anything but caring and kind

Agree with trusting your instinct, totally agree. You know if the man made you feel uncomfortable, and he did - and that instinct holds whether or not you have any reason to suspect someone might be mentally ill or in any way not normal. After all, vast numbers of child abusers and paedophiles are completely "normal" in that they're full members of society and not diagnosed with anything - and if the way someone is around your children feels odd to you, you need to listen to that. It's not about the exact words he used, it's about your instinct. Of course I don't mean run to the police on a gut instinct when you could be wrong - just take care, keep a closer eye on them when they're in the garden and so on, and keep an eye out for anything that's really inappropriate from this man, as then you would be reasonable to raise it with someone.

Like others btw if I heard my neighbour's chld calling for their mum and they were unattended, I would ask if they were OK and call them by name. But it's not that that is the problem IMO, it's if you get an instinctive sense of something not quite right.

Maybe he was being friendly to your children because you aren't?