To be cross that my MIL is STILL angling to have DS christened?

[MamaHobgoblin]

Ooh, my first AIBU post. Does madness this way lie?

My husband and I are not religious, not so's you'd know it, anyway. He's atheist and I'm as near as dammit. We never intended to have our 6 month baby christened - no point, we're non-believers and have no intention of taking DS to church, sunday school etc. He can make up his own mind when he's at the age of reason. I have a big beef about people who aren't churchgoers, having dc christened just because 'it's done', or to conform, for the party, etc.

MIL is very religious. Apparently she still prays that DH will see error of his ways etc and get confirmed! :-) She would v much like her grandson to be christened. To be fair to her, I don't think it's because she wants to control him, I honestly think she believes it's best for his spiritual welfare. In turn, I am quite offended that she thinks he's in some way 'incomplete' without it (he is PFB, ffs, he is PERFECT!) or that she subscribes to (insert adjective) belief system whereby unchristened babies are cast into outer darkness, whatever.

Last weekend we stayed with them. She and DH took DS to watch her bellringing while I caught up on some sleep. Afterwards, while DH was other end of church, she went up to vicar and introduced her grandson, saying that we didn't want him christened but that she was working on it. Vicar commiserated and said he'd give poor godless DS a blessing anyway. Which he did, without asking DH.

AIBU to be cross at this, and at viewing it as a precedent being set, or should I just chill about it? Should I have a word with her, since apparently 'she's working on it'?

oh, well, if you "just get the feeling" then that's the end of the debate. That's what religion is all about, after all

It was rude of the MIL to get the vicar involved whithout consulting the OP's DH. A bit arrogant, too, I think.
Blessings are normally harmless good wishes which I, as an atheist, take with grace, but the context here smells a bit.

Is it possible to stop the child going to the church to avoid this sort of situation again? I don't know how I'd handle the MIL long-term, but I'd be inclined to deny her opportunities for this sort of stunt.

I come from a huge religious family (catholics). DH and I are not. DD has not been christened/baptised as we are not hypocrites. However, dd loves singing and joined the church choir when she was 6 and has been singing happily with them for 3 years; they all adore her. They know we are not religious, don't attend church etc. Yet, when I take her down to rehearsal or church, the vicar is lovely and so is everyone else. No one seems to be judging us. They might be praying for all of us every night, but they don't tell us!

My family: well, I know some of them pray for me - one aunt and one uncle tell me every so often that they do, but only because I have a chronic and debilitating illness. Others might be praying for us too, I've no idea. I don't mind. They are not condemning me or judging me. They are kind and loving people who care about me and praying is one of the ways they show it.

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OneStone - I think your issue is intrinsically with religion. It wouldn't matter what the OP's MIL did or didn't do originally, she's religious so you have an issue.

My DP feels this way, which is tricky as my mother, sister and brother are all fairly religious. So I understand where you're coming from. But I think it makes it hard for you to see MILs point of view, at all? She genuinely (if mistakenly) believes that christening is important. Kind of like my mother genuinely believes all kind of things that are clearly ridiculous (let's not get onto my mother's eating habits for example... [grin})

man, that emoticon thing trips me up every time.

I'm going to start a religion where I lick anyone who I think needs saving.

Swedes my ds has already started that one, you can join him

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PMSL
That'd surprise the Jehovah's Witnesses.

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My mother's eating habits actually involved her complete self denial that eating huge slabs of red meat, with fat, half a litre of salt and a couple of slices of white bread MIGHT possibly be why she is a) overweight and b) suffers from appalling digestion. Not a moral choice - just a stupid one. IMO!

I wonder if I convince DH of that. I bloody hate them.

OOps, I hate Pink Floyd that is, not Jehova's Witnesses.

h

Giving up now.

Totally agree that it is wrong for you to be put under pressure from Mil to baptise baby and agree with your decision not to do so.

However, we live in an imperfect world where even our own relatives and in-laws have their foibles. This does not sound to me as if your mil contrived the blessing, just that a proud grandmother went to show off your ds to someone who is important in her own life. It probably did not occur to her that you and dh would have an objection and as an expression of goodwill which would have pleased your mil,(and I am sure will have done no lasting damage to the baby), I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

I would be sorry if you felt you wished to ban ds from the inside of a Church ever again because of this. Even though you and dh have chosen another route to bring him up, it would be a pity if you felt you should deny him all knowledge of what is part of his heritage. Things that are banned tend to become more attractive, after all.

You and dh should again clear the air with mil over baptism. I'm sure you've said it all before but tell her that it is upsetting you and that next time (if there is one) you would prefer ds not to be blessed.

BTW bellringing is a fantastic and historic hobby which all ages and types can enjoy together. You don't have to go to church to ring a bell.

Snarky, do you really never get a feeling for things ie take what you know/hear and make an educated guess from that? I can only go off what I've read so accept that I might be wrong but from what I've read the 'feeling' I got was that the op dh isn't as concerned about things as op was.

Struwellpeter, I agree.

Blimey! I go off to London for a few hours and come back to all THIS!

Thanks for all these responses - I have an appointment with Baby Hobgoblin for bathtime and bed but will be back for a long read over a glass of wine. Slightly overwhelmed...!

I think it depends how you see the whole scene, as someone with no issues regarding MiLs or Religion I see it like this.

MiL goes to Church with her son and her Precious Grand Child (possibly even her PFB GC). She sees the Vicar who is a friend, not just a Vicar, she sees him often as she does bell-ringing, not just sits in the congregation not talking during Sunday service.

Vicar says 'Hello MrsHobgoblinSr, who is this little chappy'
MrsHobgoblinSr says 'This is my darling GS, isn't he wonderful'
'Oh, has he been baptised yet?' (Vicar assumes that as MrsHGSr is religious her family are too and assumes baby will be Christened)
'Erm, no, my son and DiL don't really want to have him Christened, but I'm still working on it!' (embarrassed that her son doesn't share her beliefs)
'Oh, ok, I could bless him if you like?'
MiL thinks it's oh so kind of the wonderful Vicar to offer, and doesn't want to refuse, not only would she look ungrateful by saying no she thinks it would be a nice thing to do, plus her son isn't complaining, not agreeing, but not complaining.
Vicar does a 30 second 'Bless you my child' on BabyHobgoblin.

To be fair, I don't think the OP was even that pissed at it, she did say somewhere that the blessing making the MiL made her think 'whateverr' but she didn't want to commit to anything more.

I think it was more the presumptuousness of MiL that it would be ok that bothered the OP.

Thanks for all these responses, I honestly didn?t expect this to attract so much interest! I had to go to London with Baby Hobgoblin for a few hours, hence my radio silence.

Too many posts to reply to all, but:

I agree that a blessing is generally well-meant, and that I should try and relax about it ? take it in spirit intended as it were. What I was worried about was that it was step one on the path to him being christened, but then I can be a tad paranoid? I was initially cross at the vicar because I thought he should have asked my husband, who was within speaking distance but not actually right there. (It?s a small church!) It probably didn?t even occur to the vicar ? or to MIL ? to ask permission because it?s only a blessing, etc. This is a wee bit presumptuous of them, I think. Anyway ? having thought a bit more rationally about it, I don?t think I?m offended by the idea of a blessing and will accept that it?s just a religious person?s way of being nice. It did come from a priest though, which is a bit more formal. I say ?aw, bless him? when I?m cooing over someone else?s baby, for that matter?

As for going further, I think we?re going to have to explain explicitly to MIL that we won?t be doing the christening thing. DH has already told her we?re not (when she asked) and managed to make it sound less blunt by saying he?d have to ask his best friend to be godfather and there was no way his best friend was renouncing the devil and all his works, which joke, apparently, she got. I thought this was dead and buried ? apparently it?s not and we will just have to gently but firmly explain again. DH is a bit resistant to this idea since he thinks it?s ?forcing? it a bit, and also because he doesn?t want to get caught between us. Sigh?.

As far as the whole ?it shouldn?t bother you if you?re not religious in the first place? argument goes ? sorry, but I disagree entirely! Atheists have beliefs too, not least being that children shouldn?t be brought up into a faith if they are too young to reason and to question. I also respect the beliefs of others ? at least I try to ? and I squirm at the idea of having a christening ceremony, because it?s a sacrament to other people, and if we were just paying lip service because of what MIL wanted, that?s insulting and hypocritical. I had to explain this same argument when we got married, and not in a church?

In response to Juuule?s repeated ?feeling? that my DH isn?t as bothered about it all ? no he isn?t! He?s the more atheist of us but it?s no big deal to him. TBH, I think if I weren?t so against having a ?meaningless?/hypocritical ceremony, he?d have had DS ?done? to please his MIL, because he thinks it?s meaningless in the first place. Go figure?

As a side note, I love churches (just not what they represent) and go into old ones at the drop of a hat! I wasn?t bothered in the slightest that DS had been taken to watch the bells being rung (not taken to a service, I would not have wanted that at all) and I knew MIL wanted to show him off to her friends, who ? yes ? include the vicar. Those who said they thought she might have been a bit embarrassed that her PFB GS wasn?t christened have hit it on the head, I think.

Thank you all for your advice! I am a lot more relaxed about it, and also more determined to ?smile and stick to our guns? as someone put it.