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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that my MIL is STILL angling to have DS christened?

147 replies

MamaHobgoblin · 26/08/2008 11:05

Ooh, my first AIBU post. Does madness this way lie?

My husband and I are not religious, not so's you'd know it, anyway. He's atheist and I'm as near as dammit. We never intended to have our 6 month baby christened - no point, we're non-believers and have no intention of taking DS to church, sunday school etc. He can make up his own mind when he's at the age of reason. I have a big beef about people who aren't churchgoers, having dc christened just because 'it's done', or to conform, for the party, etc.

MIL is very religious. Apparently she still prays that DH will see error of his ways etc and get confirmed! :-) She would v much like her grandson to be christened. To be fair to her, I don't think it's because she wants to control him, I honestly think she believes it's best for his spiritual welfare. In turn, I am quite offended that she thinks he's in some way 'incomplete' without it (he is PFB, ffs, he is PERFECT!) or that she subscribes to (insert adjective) belief system whereby unchristened babies are cast into outer darkness, whatever.

Last weekend we stayed with them. She and DH took DS to watch her bellringing while I caught up on some sleep. Afterwards, while DH was other end of church, she went up to vicar and introduced her grandson, saying that we didn't want him christened but that she was working on it. Vicar commiserated and said he'd give poor godless DS a blessing anyway. Which he did, without asking DH.

AIBU to be cross at this, and at viewing it as a precedent being set, or should I just chill about it? Should I have a word with her, since apparently 'she's working on it'?

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 26/08/2008 14:33

When you know it is gong to happen?
Your religious MiL takes your DS to a Church and you expect what to happen? Playing with the Ouija board or dancing round stones?

It might not have been in the timetable of events but it wasn't like she stole him away under her cloak in the middle of night and tied him to the altar whilst hurridly reciting the ten commandments!

(No offence meant there btw THW, just picking two things other religions would do)

BlingLovin · 26/08/2008 14:34

Would you take your children out of the room during grace? Or would you stop them from holding the relgious person's hand? Would you sit quietly, to respect what they were saying during grace?

I think I'll give up as i don't seem to be able to explain that I don't think a simple blessing in passing, even by a priest, is any more offensive than a non religious person not saying grace, or not crossing themselves while passing a graveyard.

For the record, I am not religious at all and broadly, agree with your basic sentiments. I just don't think it's worth getting upset over a spontaneous "blessing" that made MIL happy.

Onestonetogo · 26/08/2008 14:35

Message withdrawn

snarky · 26/08/2008 14:35

I'd be less concerned by a blessing from a pagan than a Christian cleric. Maybe something to do with the centuries of agressive warmongering, intolerance, pillage and bloodshed associated with the Christian mania for "converting" people who are quite happy as they are.

juuule · 26/08/2008 14:36

But her mil didn't ask the vicar to bless him. He offered that himself. As mil thinks that sort of thing is a 'good thing' she was unlikely to attempt to stop him (plus she probably wouldn't have wanted a fight with the vicar). It would have been up to dad to intervene if he felt that strongly, but he didn't so maybe he's not as easily offended about these things as Mamahobgoblin is.

VictorianSqualor · 26/08/2008 14:36

FWIW, Ig anyone blessed my child in anyway, be it Christian, Sikh, Muslim, Buddist, Wiccan or some Gobbledegook that meant good to them then I'd not be offended in the slightest, but then I was bought up by a Wiccan mother who was part of a coven and my father (who we didn't live with) was an Orange man, they both meant the same with their wishes.

MrsMattie · 26/08/2008 14:37

I totally get what you're saying@Bling. When we're in MIL's house we say Grace at her table. At our house - no Grace, even when she is here (although at Christmas DH will ask his mum if she wants to say Grace, just to keep her happy ). No big deal. DS doesn't come away speaking in tongues and fearing hell and damnation.

TheHedgeWitch · 26/08/2008 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Onestonetogo · 26/08/2008 14:37

Message withdrawn

juuule · 26/08/2008 14:39

Onestone - but you're quite happy telling your children lies about Fr.Christmas and the afterlife. How is that more respectful?

I also don't put a blessing (which is a demonstration of good intentions) on a par with swearing and abuse (which is a demonstration of bad intentions)

SaintGeorge · 26/08/2008 14:41

I wouldn't find the little blessing offensive under the circumstances, nor the introduction to the vicar in the first place.

The discussion with the vicar would have pissed me off though. The MIL had no right to even raise the subject.

juuule · 26/08/2008 14:42

THW - op mil didn't do anything other than tell the vicar that her grandson's parents didn't want him christened but that she was working on it. What did she do that was disrespectful of her son and dil wishes in that?

combustiblelemon · 26/08/2008 14:42

MamaHobgoblin this is a book produced by the Humanist society with all you need to do your own non-religious baby naming ceremony. The site also has links to find a local humanist minister to conduct a ceremony if you wanted to.

SaintGeorge · 26/08/2008 14:45

juuule, the parents don't want a christening so for the MIL to even keep going on about it, let alone involving the vicar, is disrespectful of them.

VictorianSqualor · 26/08/2008 14:48

What MiL said abut 'working on it' wasn't particularly nice, but she was probably trying to save face.

When I was at Church saturday sorting out DS2's Christening one of the first things the Vicar said is that there is no point in a Christening if you don't go to Church, so I doubt the Priest would push it anyway, I have no idea if OP's MiL is Catholic and if that would make any difference but my Vicar would ask why you were bothering if you weren't planning on bringing the child up in religion anyway.

Also those bought up around religion, IME are much more likely to question it.

I still don't know what to believe!!

juuule · 26/08/2008 14:48

Op said "MIL is very religious."

If that's the case, she may be very concerned about her grandson's spiritual welfare. I think that her son and dil should also respect her outlook as much as they are asking her to respect theirs.

Perhaps a heart to heart is in order.

juuule · 26/08/2008 14:50

VS I think it was probably a face-saving thing, too. It's something that my mil would do.

combustiblelemon · 26/08/2008 15:08

I think that it's easy to view atheism as a lack of belief rather than a belief. Some atheists are as strong in their convictions as those who believe in God, and I think sometimes their beliefs are not given the respect they are due. If you flipped the situation, how would you feel if the MIL had been saying, "They're determined to go through with this supersticious nonsense but I'm still working on it."

juuule · 26/08/2008 15:09

Same as the other way around. I'd take it with a pinch of salt, try to be nice and do my own thing anyway.

combustiblelemon · 26/08/2008 15:12

Fair enough Juuule. I just think that the OP had already made a concession by allowing her child to go to church with her MIL, and the MIL was pushing it by talking to the vicar about christening.

juuule · 26/08/2008 15:13

But the mil probably chats with the vicar regularly as a friend and maybe brought it up as she would with a friend.

combustiblelemon · 26/08/2008 15:21

As a friend
OK, it's possible. I have no experiece with the protestant church. My parents are Catholic and have friends who are priests (that they knew before they became priests) and talk to their own priests, but if the conversation is about religious matters and not football, they're a priest first and foremost.

AMumInScotland · 26/08/2008 15:32

Well, it is a very normal thing for a grandmother, and a clergy person she knows, to discuss whether or not a baptism is being planned. I agree it was rude of the vicar to bless the baby without any consultation with the parent who was there, but since he had brought the child into a church building, presumably the vicar didn't think there was any strong objection. More a question of assuming a tacit agreement, rather than intending to be difficult.

But I do think you need to discuss your views with MIL and agree what is and isn't acceptable to you - eg taking him into church, going to services, etc. And try to make her understand that you are not going to claim to be bringing him up in the Christian faith, and therefore you will not reconsider baptism.

fruitful · 26/08/2008 15:41

If you don't believe, then surely the blessing means nothing? And what's wrong with your MIL praying to a god you don't believe in, if it keeps her happy?

My parents are atheists and didn't get me christened, which was a very big deal for my grandparents, back in the early seventies.

As an adult I chose to become a Christian and got baptised and rather liked the fact that I hadn't been "done" already when too young to know about it.

But you are right not to get him christened on the basis that the religion means nothing to you - unless making promises also means nothing to you, which I'm guessing is not the case.

IorekByrnison · 26/08/2008 15:54

I would chill about it. Especially about the blessing. It's just a well meaning gesture - not like she had his ears pierced or anything.

Can imagine it would get pretty annoying if she's always going on about a christening, but it obviously means a lot to her so I would try to politely rise above it. Anyway, if it wasn't religion it would probably be something else. I seem to remember being annoyed by just about all my (non-religious) inlaws' suggestions about dd's welfare when she was a baby. I calmed down eventually.