to really dislike the phrase 'ALL that matters is you have a healthy baby'?

[Spidermama]

Because that's not ALL that matters. Of course it's the most important thing, but I fear some women allow themselves to be short changed when it comes to giving birth, or having the experience taken away from you, by medics and midwives who say 'ALL that matters is you have a healthy baby.'

Actually, a positive birth experience would be quite helpful too.

I agree with spud that if DD had been damaged too that it would have been awful. The fact that she has recovered with no further ill effects was the only good thing about the delivery. It doesn't take away from the fact that I was damaged though. I don't cease to count just because I'm a mother now.

Tittytittybangbang (great name by the way! ) yes I probaly am exagerating - forgive me. I was just trying to make the point that there probably are incidences where this happens rather than the norm... Totally agree with the rest of your post too...

Think I was really trying to say the same as Habbibu but less eloquently...

I had the "all that matters is that you have a healthy baby" comment from my GP, by the way. And it really does in the most literal sense tell you that you do not count.

bluestocking and spudballoo I am truely sorry to hear that you have both had what sounds like my worst nightmare of a delivery. I applaud you both that you are able to see the best in this by being grateful for your healthy dc. I hope this would be how I would reast too but I can't be sure...

Hope that doesn't come accross as patronising as that's not how it is meant...

bluestocking and spudballoo I am truely sorry to hear that you have both had what sounds like my worst nightmare of a delivery. I applaud you both that you are able to see the best in this by being grateful for your healthy dc. I hope this would be how I would reast too but I can't be sure...

Hope that doesn't come accross as patronising as that's not how it is meant...

bluestocking and spudballoo I am truely sorry to hear that you have both had what sounds like my worst nightmare of a delivery. I applaud you both that you are able to see the best in this by being grateful for your healthy dc. I hope this would be how I would react too but I can't be sure...

Hope that doesn't come across as patronising as that's not how it is meant...

PS Thank you aitch.

oops

That's a really good point, MrsTM - in any other situation where you'd had that kind of injury you'd be taken very seriously - the baby isn't a "consolation prize" so that you "don't mind" being traumatised or injured.

But Habbibu, the only reason any of us have birth-related injuries is because we've given birth! It is, statistically speaking, the most dangerous event in any woman's life. I wonder whether we as a society have forgotten that birth is very far from being a risk-free activity, even with the best medical care.

you're most welcome.

for me, i'd had some early pg losses and knew in advance of all NCT type classes that i had high bp and therefore would be having a pretty medical birth. therefore my birth plan consisted of 'keep us both safe, please'. however, that's got to be up to the mother and father to have as a priority, iykwim, not an HP.

Exactly, if that kind of injury was inflicted as the result of a crime no-one would ever expect you to get over it, but because it is the result of having a baby you are meant to just be fine with it.

yep, you'd get a payout from criminal injuries, not a pat on the head.

That's not the point though bluestocking - if DD had been dying and they had told me "we are so sorry, we didn't want to damage you, but if we hadn't then your DD would have died, so we had no choice" then that would have been completely different.
What they said was that it was inappropriate for me to be upset about vaginal damage because I had a healthy child.

And what is worse, she wasn't even in distress - so it wasn't done to save DD's life.

I loathe it. Esp as I have a child with SN's.
Like children with SN's aren't healthy. My DD has Down's syndrome, she's still healthy, or is that not what you mean (said to person saying it to me, not to you spider)

I don't think (I hope anyway) that people expect you to be fine with taking the birth related injuries on the chin, but surely a healthy baby does go some way toward mitigating against it for most? And surely bluestocking and spudballoo (and others whose names I can't remember) would feel a lot less accepting of those injuries if their babies had been born disabled or stillborn (heaven forbid) into the bargain?...

"But, again, this is v personal to me and I do understand what you're saying. And I often think how cruel is must sound to parents of children with disabilities in particular"

sorry just to copy and paste that last comment from someones post.
can I say not really. we all want a healthy baby, just some of us are bloody unlucky and don't get one. Imo there is nothing wrong with a mother wanting a healthy baby. it is not like any one is going to ask for a disabled/un healthy baby.
(hope that makes sense)

OK and by my last post I didn't mean to say that you wouldn't love a child who was disable either... I have had a couple of glasses of wine and I'm speaking as I think which probably isn't a good idea on something as emotive as that. If I have said anything offensive please forgive me - I'm off to bed x

YANBU. people said that all the time when DS was born. we both had a difficult time and he ended up with a fractured skull. it was a nerve-wracking time waiting for the brain scan results and when he was given the all clear, every just said to get over it as "all that matters is you have a healthy baby". All i wanted to do was scream FFS what do you think we've been through.....

I can't stand that comment either. My first baby was born with a few deformities, so not 100 percent healthy, so was i supposed to want to give her back and try again for a healthier one???? Very small minded comment in my opinion.

Agree with most people here that the 'all that matters... ' line sounds dismissive. As if someone is giving you a pat on the head and saying 'bog off and don't even THINK about suing'.

Oh, I used to jate it when people said this after ds3 was born...it only added to make me feel even more crap and guilty about my feelings about the Birth, etc...!
Of course I was pleased he was fine, I just wished that I also felt fine...

i see your point
i see all the points actually
words are just a bit prone to variations in interpretation tho, imo.

The phase is the medical profession's version of 'nevermind' and is quite patronizing...

Actually, I had lovely pregnancy insomnia last night () and this thread was going around and around my head. I realised that when DD was born and I was trying to get help for my painful scarring that all the GPs said this to me. And it really effected my relationship with DD. The subtext was "if you love your baby, then you shouldn't mind what you've been through/are going through", and it really made me doubt that I loved her enough. Which was complete bollocks! Of course I loved her enough, and if they hadn't been patronising enough to use that stock phrase then I wouldn't have even considered it.