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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable...

118 replies

TheArmadillo · 25/08/2008 11:50

Because of problems I have wiht my mother I have no idea what is unreasonable behaviour or not.

So would like so opinions on the following.

  1. I go round my mother's house, she is busy finishing a few things off. I make her cup of tea and take ds into garden so he does not disturb her. When she finishes (15-20 mins later) she is furious that I have not put out her washing, unloaded her dishwasher or done any tidying/cleaning for her. My opinion is I was making sure ds did not disturb her and genuinely didn't notice hte washing.

  2. Her laptop had crashed when she was using it. I was on my way out the door, but had a look. I couldn't do anything to fix it and couldn't suggest anything. Mum was furious and sees this as an example of my laziness and selfish behaviour.

  3. Mum wanted to get rid of some things - my dp suggested freecycle. She got my sis (who llives at home) to check out the site, but discovered in order to register you would need to write a small bit on why you wanted to join. She refused to do this as thought it was too much to ask. BEtween her, my dad and my sis (all degree educated) they decided it was unreasonable that they should have to do this themselves and that it was my duty to. I feel that as they were perfectly capable of doing it and it was just htat they didn't wan to I shouldn't have to. (I did it btw cos I couldn't stand the row).

So what's your opinions? These are examples of similar things that crop up again and again. I have no idea whether I am behaving childishly to prove a point or whether these are unreasonable expectations on her part.

OP posts:
msdemeanor · 25/08/2008 20:19

You don't have to tell her you are seeking advice, you really don't. Get the advice, talk to the mortgage company about getting your mum to take over the mortgage, and consider getting your dp to handle this on your behalf. I completely understand your anxiety and fears, but please don't let them screw up your entire future.

cocoeelpew · 25/08/2008 20:27

Please listen to all the good advice you have been given here re legal advice.
Good luck I wish you the best.

Portofino · 25/08/2008 20:32

Please, please, please Armadillo - listen to the advice that people are giving on here and go and get some professional help! Certainly on a legal/financial level and maybe also having some purely independant counselling might help you deal with this too - someone (like MN) where they are not involved at all with the current situation and can give balanced, impartial advice.

Honestly your mum is not normal! I know you love her but this is SOOOO wrong. The old saying is that you can choose your friends but not your family....and everyone usually has someone "difficult" lurking about. But this is on a whole different level. She will wreck your life! It sounds like you have an excellent dp - you need to hang on in there. He and DS are your family now and who you should be concentrating on. Sod the rest of them if they are not loving and supportive of you!

Something else crossed my mind - a comment when I split up with my exH (we got married much too young and it just wasn't working out). Something along the lines of " Well, what do you mean you're not happy. I was never happy, but I had to put up with it, so should you...!" I think that this was based in pure and simple jealousy....I had a choice and could change my life. Maybe your mother just can't bear it that you have a lovely dp and ds and that you have an independant life. I still left and I think you need to make a similar break now for the sake of your family

Upwind · 26/08/2008 09:31

For what it is worth - in my family, my parents treat my sister similarly to the way your parents treat you. They also seem to really hate her lovely DP while they always seemd to like mine.

I actually think the reason is that I made sure I was financially and emotionally independent of them. They had no control over me or my choices, and were left with no alternative but to accept my DP. My sister seeks their approval no matter how badly they treat her. So they felt entitled to decide that her DP was not good enough for them. They have also decided that her job and lifestyle is not acceptable and harass her about it.

For a long time I've wished I could stop her from caring so much partly because I think she could have a much better relationship with our parents if it was on her terms. It might be the same for you. When you show you have the gumption to take no more of their abuse and to protect yourself financially you might find you are treated with more respect.

Unfortunately, in my case, this happened when I genuinely no longer cared so much. I would have given absolutely anything for our parents respect and esteem when I was younger and never got it. By the time things changed it was only the icing on the cake - I did not need them anymore.

blackrock · 26/08/2008 10:39

Please try to get ouside help legally, financially and emotionally. Do not move in with her, surely this would ruin your relationship with your DP?

msdemeanor · 26/08/2008 11:44

Upwind has posted really wisely from her experience, and I'm sure she is right. By accepting anything from them - money, advice - they think this means you also have to accept abuse, bullying, bossing. If you stand up for yourself, sure your mother will be 'infuriated' and no doubt very shocked, but this can only be for the good in the long term. You say you have a lovely dp - then let him help you. I'm sure he will happily go with you to a solicitor and, if necessary, talk to your mum re this mortgage business. It is HIS business too, you know, if you plan to get married. You need to be financially independent of your mother and not have potential huge and unspecified debts.

Original poster
TheArmadillo · 26/08/2008 12:08

thanks for these - I am taking notice.

Had a look and I think CAB do email advice, which will probably be a starting point.

OP posts:
msdemeanor · 26/08/2008 12:17

Good for you! You can do this, one little step at a time. Just don't let her railroad you into signing anything until you are 100% sure you have no liability. Losing the money you have put in via the mortgage is one thing, finding yourself liable for the whole debt with no claim on the property is another. Talk to the mortgage company. You can do that in confidence and find out where you stand - ie who much you owe now, how to transfer the mortgage etc. I think your mother would have to pay capital gains tax if you 'sell' your share to her, even if you don't take any money. Her problem obviously, but she seems to make a habit of making her problems into your problems.

msdemeanor · 26/08/2008 12:17

Good for you! You can do this, one little step at a time. Just don't let her railroad you into signing anything until you are 100% sure you have no liability. Losing the money you have put in via the mortgage is one thing, finding yourself liable for the whole debt with no claim on the property is another. Talk to the mortgage company. You can do that in confidence and find out where you stand - ie who much you owe now, how to transfer the mortgage etc. I think your mother would have to pay capital gains tax if you 'sell' your share to her, even if you don't take any money. Her problem obviously, but she seems to make a habit of making her problems into your problems.

msdemeanor · 26/08/2008 12:17

Good for you! You can do this, one little step at a time. Just don't let her railroad you into signing anything until you are 100% sure you have no liability. Losing the money you have put in via the mortgage is one thing, finding yourself liable for the whole debt with no claim on the property is another. Talk to the mortgage company. You can do that in confidence and find out where you stand - ie who much you owe now, how to transfer the mortgage etc. I think your mother would have to pay capital gains tax if you 'sell' your share to her, even if you don't take any money. Her problem obviously, but she seems to make a habit of making her problems into your problems.

silvercrown · 29/08/2008 17:19

She sounds ridiculously demanding to expect so much of you. You were keeping your ds occupied so he didn't make a mess of all the work she had already done. I think that I'd have stormed off well before now.

mumeeee · 29/08/2008 17:54

She is bieng unreasonable not you. You do not have an obligation to do anything for her.

kt14 · 29/08/2008 18:02

My grandmother behaved like this all her life, it eventually emerged that she had a personality disorder but it was too late to salvage any relationship with my mum, who understandably got sick of being treated unfairly.
Really difficult as if your mother is similar, I'm not sure a lot can be done. I'd try and catch her on a more reasonable day if such a thing exists, and explain that her behaviour is hurting you, and that you aren't prepared to continue being treated this way.
Also, I wouldn't really want my DC's picking up on this odd behaviour and thinking it's normal..

Jux · 29/08/2008 20:11

TheArmadillo, don't know the ins and outs, but it's clear you are going in the right direction re your family and you have a lot of support on here. For what it's worth, you are not being unreasonable, and from what I've read here your mum is beyond unreasonable! I agree with the other posters, you must check out all the legal ramifications before you sign anything. You have no idea how this could impact on you and yours in the future; your mum seems fairly unpredictable (at best) and this sort of transaction can very easily turn round and bite you. Get as much advice as you can, mortgage company, CAB, solicitor, MN, and think very very carefully. Having said that, you are absolutely and completely doing the right thing in planning your escape. Don't let yourself get trapped. Good luck.

Kimi · 29/08/2008 20:20

TheArmadillo, you have often posted very good advice on my threads, and I have the upmost respect for you, so I hope you will not think I am speaking out of line.

Your family are not being nice to you, you are not their slave, why should you put out washing, empty dishwashers and so on.

YANBU in the least, and to be honest I think you should stay away so they can see what they are missing.
DP is a techy god, but sometimes even HE can not fix something, it is not lazy it is life.

Janni · 29/08/2008 20:25

I don't know your history and I've only read your OP but your mum sounds like a very angry person who takes out her frustration on you.

WickedBitchoftheEast · 29/08/2008 22:45

I do see why you want to sign over the deeds, if you are going to lose a grand then sod it, it's not worth the hassle, but on the other hand it could be enough to give you and DP the start you need, so it's got to be worth a free 30min consultation with a solicitor to find out.

I assume as your mother has been like this for the majority of your adult life, and possibly you childhood, you think this is 'normal' well it's not.

I think the main point you are missing is that she needs you more than you need her, I know she is your mother, but she is not your keeper.

The next time she treats you like a piece of shit on her shoe, stick up for yourself and let her know that you are fed up with it and won't be treated like that in front of your child, then leave, and let her stew for a while, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

You are not a doormat, I would not normally condone using a child in a battle of wills but I think you are an exception to the rule, you have what she loves, her grandchild, and if she can't be civil to you in front of your child then she needs to be taught a tough lesson so go kick some arse.

WickedBitchoftheEast · 29/08/2008 23:54

PS. You should be posting this under the 'Bullying' section !

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