I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable...

[TheArmadillo]

Because of problems I have wiht my mother I have no idea what is unreasonable behaviour or not.

So would like so opinions on the following.

1. I go round my mother's house, she is busy finishing a few things off. I make her cup of tea and take ds into garden so he does not disturb her. When she finishes (15-20 mins later) she is furious that I have not put out her washing, unloaded her dishwasher or done any tidying/cleaning for her. My opinion is I was making sure ds did not disturb her and genuinely didn't notice hte washing.

2. Her laptop had crashed when she was using it. I was on my way out the door, but had a look. I couldn't do anything to fix it and couldn't suggest anything. Mum was furious and sees this as an example of my laziness and selfish behaviour.

3. Mum wanted to get rid of some things - my dp suggested freecycle. She got my sis (who llives at home) to check out the site, but discovered in order to register you would need to write a small bit on why you wanted to join. She refused to do this as thought it was too much to ask. BEtween her, my dad and my sis (all degree educated) they decided it was unreasonable that they should have to do this themselves and that it was my duty to. I feel that as they were perfectly capable of doing it and it was just htat they didn't wan to I shouldn't have to. (I did it btw cos I couldn't stand the row).

So what's your opinions? These are examples of similar things that crop up again and again. I have no idea whether I am behaving childishly to prove a point or whether these are unreasonable expectations on her part.

Do NOT NOT NOT sign anything over to her without some legal advice or at the very least sorting out her taking over the entire mortgage first. Maybe she SAYS she will take over the mortgage but you have no evidence that a/she will and b/he mortgage company will let her. If they don't let her you will end up fully liable for every penny of mortgage payments with absolutely no ownership of the property. That's a very dangerous position to put your family in, and your mother sounds easily mad and vindictive enough to do that to you. You need legal advice, and you don't even have to tell your mum you have seen a solictor if that scares you.

Do the mortgage and the deeds on the same day, please ensure that you have sought INDEPENDENT legal advice, find a recommended solicitor and explain to them the background and that it needs to be legally 100% tight that there is no claim on you for the mortgage.

It's a bit like getting divorced you need a solicitor representing your needs alone seperating you financially from your Mum.

If your Mum loved you she would have given you (if possible) or loaned you the deposit with absolutely no strings attached.

Sorry, I have had to face up to my parents attitude to me and look at the whole do they love me thing. It was very hard at the time but no I'm really good and very very happy.

But SHE is the one making something bad happen to you, isn't she. She's making you lose possibly alot of money. Most mums would not be able to bear that thought and would not WANT the house signed over to them because they would rather their child got more out of it than them.

Would you make your DS do this?

She sounds utterly controlling and it's clearly more for HER needs than yours, though it's being dressed up as 'protecting' you.

If another outside opinion is helpful, she sounds truly horrible.

Good heavens - I'm astounded that someone could treat their own child like this. So sorry that you've had to go through this sort of stuff for so long.

dp's mum has been talking to me about getting legal advice as well.

I suppose it's something I;ve avoided as I see it as something that will
a) draw out the situation
and
b) infuriate my mother.

I will think about it.

I agree with Dittany, Honoria and Cargirl. Just because your mum says something about her motives doesn't make them true.
If she really wanted to protect you financially she would sign over the house to YOU! Seriously, if you are committed to the mortgage but not on the deeds she can control you by making you pay the entire mortgage and yet you will have no claim on the house at all. Don't kid yourself that she isn't capable of this. It would be a great way to control not just you but your whole family. She might tell herself this is what she needs to do to 'bring you to heel' and get you to move in with her.
I think it would be letting yourself and your family down not to get this watertight. OK, so you are prepared to lose money (thousands? tens of thousands?) over this, but don't give her ultimate control of your future too.

no-one has to know at this stage, though. Just take some advice and don't tell your mum about it. TBH at some point down the line surely there would have had to be SOME legal input? If houses/mortgages are being signed over? Even within a family these thigns have to be done with due process.

I do tihnk it would be good to start looking at her actions, not her words. She is saying things to you that are the opposite to what she is actually doing, sadly.

Yes when I started reading the thread I just KNEW that somewhere there was financial involvement from her. It's one of the only ways for a parent to control the life of their adult 'child'...you are very much doing the right thing to seperate your financial issues, but you do need to protect yourself by getting legal advice - please do it...

Could you afford to pay the whole of the mortgage on this house and still rent? I bet not. Yet if you let her have the house, but don't sort out the mortgage, you WILL be liable for ALL the mortgage repayments. Then what will you do? I bet she imagines you will have to move in with her then. You say yourself that this is what she wants, and that she is devious and controlling. Please protect yourself. And not just yourself, your dp and your son too.

these all make sense.

HAve a feeling this may get messy

She wants us to move in with her while she decorates the property adn gets it up to scratch to rent.

This ain't never going to happen.

MIL says she (my mum) should cover the cost for the week or two it would take to paint (and that's all we;re talking about) an empty house when we move in to a rented place. Me and dp can;t afford to pay for both at the same time. I have thought about trying to save for it, but we can;t afford to pay for that and a deposit on a new place.

Crap, this is all getting messier than I wanted.

my sister is talking about how long it would take to get place fumigated after we leave

she ain;t joking.

I am very insulted, but then this is the person that makes loud vomiting noises whenever she sets foot in my house so I can't really expect more.

(whispers: she is the messiest, untidiest person I know).

my mother doesn't see why these comments infuriate me.

Oh god Armadillo, you know what she's up to don't you? She thinks you will come and live with her. While you are there, she will have the other house in her name and rent it out so it's not available any more. But funnily enough you will still need to pay the mortgage ('I can't get a tenant/enough rent') and you will be legally liable for it. And then she will demand you pay rent for living in her house. So you won't have any money at all. So you can't leave. And, in her mind, at that point, your dp will leave...

Messy wouldn't be the word for that situation!

Your sister is a vile bitch, isn't she?
Mind you, she learned from a master.

Armadillo - I haven't read more than the first page of this thread but am furious on your behalf! Who does your mother and family think they are to treat you like this? Standing over you and making you clean? If that were my family they wouldn't be allowed in my house!

Seriously, I think they are treating you with no respect and you should think about how you want to continue you relationship with them. Nobody should make you feel the way they seem to, and I am sure there is nothing wrong with your house so don't hide away invite as many people as you want to around, but not those who are going to criticise you!

Unfortunately they are your family, but maybe you could go and visit them instead of them coming to you so they can't criticise your home, but if they weren't your family I would be telling you to ditch them.

Put your foot down and don't let them talk to you like this anymore. I know it's hard, I put up with people making me feel bad about myself for years, but they I decided to not bother with people that made me feel bad about myself or my life only those that made me feel good and feel much better for it.

I wish you luck and hope things improve for you

my sister is one of the loveliest people you have ever met.

TO everyone but me.

Genuinely she is kind, considerate, etc etc. But not to me.

YOu would not believe this was the same person if you met her.

Armadillo, you DO need independent legal advice - you don't have to tell your mum you've sought advice if you don't want to, but it is VERY important that you know what the consequences of any decisions are. Otherwise you could really be dropped in it.

Sounds as if you've been push and pummeled into filling a particular role in the family for so long that you can't see how bad it is from the outside. And it's very threatening to your mother, sister and father if you start to assert your independence. They will be unreasonable about it. That doesn't mean you have to do what they want, though.

You have a DP that you love, and you have a child with him, but you're not marrying because your insane family don't like him and it would cause arguements?
For me, this is the saddest thing. Marrying your DP (if that's what you want - and all your posts say that it is) will officially make the three of you a family. And legally, you will be joined to him, and not to your Mum any more. That would be great! Right now, if you were in an accident and unconcious, your Mum could keep your DP away from the bedside. I'm sure that must give her a lot of satisfaction.

Ok, I have read through the rest of this thread.

Get legal advice about the house. Even if you decide to stick with the decision to sign it over to your mother make sure you are covered like someone else said incase anything goes wrong with the mortgage. You don't want to get caught out down the line if she misses a payment or something. Make sure everything is handled properly and legally if you do go down that route.

I'm glad you are getting counselling (hopefully soon) as it helped me see that I wasn't the bad person my mother made me out to be in my younger years and made me see clearly how badly I was treated. But it also helped me come to terms with how I was treated.

The one thing I will say to you about your mother and sister (and whoever else in your life that treats you like this) is that if a woman told you that her DP/DH was treating her like this or saying these things what advice would you give her? You would probably tell her to ditch him. I'm not saying ditch your family but they shouldn't treat you like this - it's abusive and it's not fair - so think carefully about how you want to carry on your relationship with them and hopefully the counsellor may be able to help.

i hope things get sorted out soon - you see like a nice person and really don't deserve this.

omg Armadillo, I have just read this entire thread and I think msdemeanor has hit the nail on the head in her post:

"Oh god Armadillo, you know what she's up to don't you? She thinks you will come and live with her. While you are there, she will have the other house in her name and rent it out so it's not available any more. But funnily enough you will still need to pay the mortgage ('I can't get a tenant/enough rent') and you will be legally liable for it. And then she will demand you pay rent for living in her house. So you won't have any money at all. So you can't leave. And, in her mind, at that point, your dp will leave..."

Your mother sounds that toxic, please take legal advice to protect yourself and your family.

Armadillo, I will be generous and say that your sister is also a victim of your mother's wicked nature. By dividing sisters she gained even more power over her family and more specifically, you. And in the process prevented both of you from enjoying a close, loving relationship. Maybe your sister thinks she has to act like this to win your mother's approval, just as you feel you have to clean to get it (ffs, this is a real life Cinderella story!). BUT....I honestly don't think this an excuse, and I think your sister now gets off on this abusive and unacceptable behaviour. It seems to me you have a kind of Stockholm syndrome - you know that thing whereby people come to feel obliged to their kidnappers.
I am very seriously worried about what your mother is planning here. I know you think signing over the house means you escape her, but if that was really the case, do you think your mother would 'allow' it without a huge fight? She clearly has a secret plan, and I think unless you get legal advice and sort out the mortgage thing, you will fall into her trap.
I usually absolutely hate those threads about 'toxic' parents and end up thinking, 'poor old mum and dad, only doing their imperfect best'. but bloody hell, this is in a different league. She actually sounds quite mad, you know.

I know you are all right over this, I just really really don't want you to be

I want to bury my head in the sand and think that this will all be ok.