I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable...

[TheArmadillo]

Because of problems I have wiht my mother I have no idea what is unreasonable behaviour or not.

So would like so opinions on the following.

1. I go round my mother's house, she is busy finishing a few things off. I make her cup of tea and take ds into garden so he does not disturb her. When she finishes (15-20 mins later) she is furious that I have not put out her washing, unloaded her dishwasher or done any tidying/cleaning for her. My opinion is I was making sure ds did not disturb her and genuinely didn't notice hte washing.

2. Her laptop had crashed when she was using it. I was on my way out the door, but had a look. I couldn't do anything to fix it and couldn't suggest anything. Mum was furious and sees this as an example of my laziness and selfish behaviour.

3. Mum wanted to get rid of some things - my dp suggested freecycle. She got my sis (who llives at home) to check out the site, but discovered in order to register you would need to write a small bit on why you wanted to join. She refused to do this as thought it was too much to ask. BEtween her, my dad and my sis (all degree educated) they decided it was unreasonable that they should have to do this themselves and that it was my duty to. I feel that as they were perfectly capable of doing it and it was just htat they didn't wan to I shouldn't have to. (I did it btw cos I couldn't stand the row).

So what's your opinions? These are examples of similar things that crop up again and again. I have no idea whether I am behaving childishly to prove a point or whether these are unreasonable expectations on her part.

did you move house further away from her? or ami thinking of someone else?

dad and sis are very accepting of her behaviour and see it as acceptable. Although they do struggle with it sometimes.

There are also other issues where I am/have always been blamed for sis behaviour and am believed to be the bad one. So they are unlikely to listen to me or to be of any support.

As dp pointed out the other night when I was convincing someone my sister was actually a nice person - that she is to everyone but me. She views me as my mother does, how she has always been taught to. Not her fault, but not someone I can turn to for help. My mum treats her in a similar fashion but not to the same extent.

My dad sees his life as being easier if we all just cooperate with what she says so would be no help. He's scared of her. But he wasn't exactly a great parent either so not someone I cna rely on.

If I turned to them for help for her they would cast me out completely.

you need to put as miuch distance as you can between you and your mother, are you sorting things re your house now? so that she has no say over that?

are you feeling better yourself more in control of thigs?

this woman is really bad for you and you need to really really work on ignoring bher unreasonable demands and have more confidence in yourself. ask your sister for hand and see if she could be there when you visit and be ready to stick up for you if she will.

sorry x posts re your sister helping

I am going to move to be further away - but need to sort stuff out first (she owns half my house, doesn't want us to move) - we are sorting it out and WILL be moving but it's going to take a while.

We haven't got married so far because we couldn't face the fights. My mum hates my dp and he finds it hard to even answer the phone to her cos of stuff she has done.

Marriage really woulnd't make any difference in her opinion.

YANBU

It sounds like your family have made you their scapegoat. It is really quite horrible. I would make this stupid row the turning point and work on making yourself entirely independent of them.

we (me and dp) have plan at mo:
move
get married
(in that order)

We are getting help from dp's family and friends who have all been great support.

My prob is she keeps drawing me back in to certain stuff because she knows which buttons to push adn also I do love her dearly and know she loves me.

I can see her behaviour as not great at mo but am having probs seeign it as being as bad as others close to me see it.

Legally it would make him next of kin though at the minute she is if you were in an accident or anything

Can you try the stuck record approach. "I'm sorry you don't want us (me?) to move but we've made the decision together that it is what's best for us and we will be"

"Sorry you don't want to come to my house but that's your choice and we can only come to you once per week"

You need to be firm and stand strong to do it though and consistent, treat her like a toddler!

You might be surprised about the marriage thing - I thought it wouldn't make that much of a difference, but I was wrong. My family treat me and DH as a unit now, which they never did before we were married, though we'd lived together for a long time.

If you do decide to get married, you make sure that you plan it all out before telling them and pay no heed to them trying to cause trouble.

She sounds like the definition of "passive aggressive". A nightmare. YANBU!

Thanks for all these btw (sorry forgot to say that before).

I usually use dp/his family/friends as my measuring stick of reasonablness but they are so angry at her that I sometimes feel no matter what she does with them she will be in the wrong. They are not independant.

Dp is so angry at things that have arisen that it shocked me. Stuff I had never told him before.

you know what worked wonders with my unreasonable controlling bitch mother?

if she started on me to my face, i walked out.

if she started on me on the phone, i hung up.

every time.

it took her a few months because she's not the brightest but eventually she figured out if she wanted to see me, and when i had kids, her grandchildren, she needed to mind her manners and speak to me like a human being, not a dog.

she still slips up sometimes and she still gets hung up on

I would love to do that, but I tried it once and she followed me and stood in front of the car so I couldn't leave until I had agreed with what she was saying.

On the phone I tend to make excuse that my dinner is burning or something. Thing is she doesn't tell to yell then but uses her disappointed voice to remind me she loves me but is worried about me cos I am a failure/disappointment/lazy/selfish/far too fat etc etc.

The prob is I tend to just accept what she is saying until I leave and have chance to think about is.

Did you post before about your Mum and her phone calls? (She was cross because you didn't answer because you were in the bath or something). Her behaviour is completely bizarre and unreasonable. Have you tried getting some counselling? Might help you to figure out what 'normal' is and create some boundaries. Good luck!

Speak over the top of her, yes I know you love my Mum, bye - hang up.

Really as soon as she starts hang up, don't make excuses as you are prolonging the conversation - you need to be blunt, that is what hanging up does it says I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO THIS ABUSE FROM YOU

that one wasn't me (about the phone in the bath).

My mum does get furious if I don't answer the phone fast enough though. But if dp answers and says I am in bed asleep/in bath she will accept that.

I do find I am avoiding talking to her on phone though.

Screen her calls! She's a nutter. Really she is. And abusive. Sell the house (her owning half your house sounds like a huge part of the problem - she thinks she owns you!) get married if that's what you want (a big symbolic event to show you are a separate adult with a new family) and operate a zero tolerance attitude to this crap. If she stands in front of your car, get out and tell her that she is behaving like a madwoman and you will get in the car and wait until she comes to her senses, or simply reverse away from her. Don't let her win. She's mad. Really she is.

we are not selling the house as my mum refused. We have instead agreed to sign my half over to her and go rent somewhere.

We lose money, but otherwise would be battling for years and I can't face that I want to get out now.

Ho hum.

Noooo! See a solicitor and force a sale. You can do this and it won't take years. Do NOT I absolutely BEG you (on my knees) sign over your half....she is EVIL. Don't let her steal your money. Have you seen a solicitor? She is an abusive bully. Stop this nonsense now. Mumsnet will support you through this.

no I can't.

If we buy another house with the deposit she lent us she will want total control of that as well. She will not let me see the bills here, she makes me pay her rent and loads of other stuff.

I want to make a break for it. I want a place she has nothing to do with or it will only continue. So I lose financially a bit, but I gain in freedom.

We did think about it for a long time before we decided what to do.

She tries to control me thru money.

the only way to get out is to give her back everything she has given me money towards.

I hate what this house represents and I would never be happy elsewhere knowing that her money has played a part in it.

you seriously NEED to see in independent solicitor about this

no.

I have made my decision for many reasons. And I am not going to change my mind over this.

I'm glad that you rate your independence and freedom over money (I really hope it wasn't much to loose though).

What is the delay then? How long will signing it over take, have you got somewhere to rent lined up?

Stay as sweet as pie get the legal bit done and then run run run run run to freedom.

we are hoping to move spring next year.

I am taking till christmas to clear out hte house and then we will look for somewhere to rent (i have looked at what's available in hte area and have rough idea of prices etc).

It's cathartic clearing out.

The only thing I would get from forcing sale of house is money, I would lose a lot more other stuff that I am not prepared to give up..

Yes the money would be nice but it will not replace everything else I will gain by passing it over.