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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a shitty way to treat your MIL?

118 replies

Communion · 20/08/2008 14:50

My mother went to stay with DB and SIL to look aftrer DN while thier nanny was on holiday.

She looked after DN for 2 days, cooked a meal one night for DB and SIL when they got in from work and next night told them to go out and she would babysit.

She bought herself an MS ready meal to eat that night. DB set up a DVD in front room for her to watch whle they were out.

Just before they want out mum said 'I'll eat on a tray and watch DVD'.

SIL retorts 'no way, no food gets eaten in front room.' So Mum ate ready meal in kitchen and then watched DVD.

Mum has been quite offended by this. I'm pissed off with the attitude on her behalf (there are many other exmpales of similar).

Are we unreasonable? is SIL reasonable?

OP posts:

laweaselmys · 20/08/2008 17:51

Do you not find it a bit dull to be without entertainment?

I wouldn't necessarily watch TV, would be happy to listen to radio or keep an eye on the kids or whatever. But yes, I do find eating in silence very boring. I have never eaten in a restaurant alone (and honestly can't see myself ever doing so...) on the odd occasion I have sat in a cafe alone I always read the paper at the same time as eating!

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 17:55

in a restaurant i normally have a book or newspaper. at home i have the same or there's a radio in the kitchen. therefore it is not a problem for me in my house or anyone elses to eat at the table if i am on my own. i certainly don't feel that because i am on my own people should bend their rules and let me eat in front of the tv.

Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 17:57

Um, do you spend alot of evenings sitting at a dining table all by yourself, exchanging witty remarks with, um, yourself, having heated debates in your own head about subjects that take your interest, reminding yourself not to put your elbows on the table and to chew with your mouth shut in case you offend, um, again... yourself?

Eating on your own can be very quiet and a bit lonely especially if it is something you do repeatedly. I love social eating around a table, but if I regularly had to eat alone, the telly would be on I am afraid. It is good company that makes a great mealtime imo.

Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 18:01

Could also read the newspaper, or a book, or listen to the radio. Obviously, television viewing sits low on your own personal "entertainment hierarchy" nappy. But it is not a common truth that watching tv is necessarily worse than listening to the archers, or whatever...

Original poster

Communion · 20/08/2008 18:01

NA you describe yourself as 'disorganised and go with the flow' in your profile.

Your insistence that rules cannot be bent for kind guests suggest otherwise.

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 18:01

no but i do eat a lot of meals by myself reading and listening to music in the background.

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 18:02

i wouldn't have any rules. but don't have a problem with people that do.

LittleBella · 20/08/2008 18:05

"My house my rules" is so typical of the English standard of hospitality. Contrast that to what practically every other (non WASP) nation on earth says to guests: "My house is your house". (Actually we do have a version of it "Make yourself at home".)

Your SIL is inhospitable and ungrateful. I think it would be different if she had just bought new carpets/ new sofa etc. and / or if your mother knew the rule and was deliberately winding her up. But that's obviously not the case here.

Original poster

Communion · 20/08/2008 18:06

and a belief that all rules are reasonable in someones house, even if there is no obvious reason and if it causes the helpful family member who is a guset doing you a favour to feel hurt?

warped priorities in my view. You and SIL>
or at least very different priorities to me.

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 18:12

but there is a reason in sil's mind. the possibility of 1) smell and 2) mess.

Original poster

Communion · 20/08/2008 18:13

Possibility of small and mess negilible.

hurt feelings very likely.

Again, very warped priorties.

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 18:18

perhaps sil didn't think someone would be hurt about not eating in the front room. i certainly wouldn't think some one would be hurt about that. perhaps about the way it was said yes, but not the request in itself. agree with whoever said that mil is a tad oversensitive.

LittleBella · 20/08/2008 18:24

I don't think she's oversensitive. I suspect she wouldn't be feeling so sensitive if SIL had said "Oh I'm so sorry, but we have a blanket rule of not eating in there because of xxxxxxx. Would you mind terribly eating in here before you watch your DVD? I'm sorry to be so fussy..."

Couched politely and respectfully, even an unreasonable demand can be accepted. Couched the way the DIL couched it, even the most reasonable request can be resented. It's all about tone.

Janos · 20/08/2008 18:36

Hmmm, SIL needs to remove poker from her backside pretty sharpish. Very rude.

If I was your mum I'd be thinking 'That's the last time I babysit for you then YOUNG LADY...'

Ashantai · 20/08/2008 18:49

We mostly sit at the table, but sometimes, if there are friends over, we eat in the front room as its bigger. Before we got wood flooring, if any spillages occured, the world didnt end, we simply got out the carpet cleaner, and returned to our dinner.

Your SIL is completely over the top to think that a grown woman who she trusts with her child, could not be trusted to eat in her precious front room.

YANBU

pamelat · 20/08/2008 20:55

I think it came across as rude.

However from my time on mumsnet I have seen that there are many MIL relationship problems. With it being your mum, you are kind of on the other side of it. Maybe there are deeper issues with your mum that causes her to be like this?

But yep, frankly its rude!!

I think she should apologise. Have you mentioned it to your bother?

laweaselmys · 20/08/2008 21:14

You know what, after complaining about people who are too precious about food in their living room I received a dose of instant Karma. DP ate his dinner in the living room this evening and spilled it all over his dry clean only trousers, the chair, an antique blanket and the rug.

I'm not going to stop him eating in here, but I'm going to stop complaining about other people being anal too!

K8y · 21/08/2008 12:11

Interesting opinions! This is one of the things I loath about families! It's the type of thing that could be brought up in arguments for years.

IMO sil is in the wrong, if someone is there helping you then I say let them eat cake (as it were!).

I'm guessing as you've got this version that your mum told it to you. Maybe she should have just told them she was upset about it and dealt with it because now you're feelings are invovled with it too. I just wonder what good can come of that?

Katy
x

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