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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a shitty way to treat your MIL?

118 replies

Communion · 20/08/2008 14:50

My mother went to stay with DB and SIL to look aftrer DN while thier nanny was on holiday.

She looked after DN for 2 days, cooked a meal one night for DB and SIL when they got in from work and next night told them to go out and she would babysit.

She bought herself an MS ready meal to eat that night. DB set up a DVD in front room for her to watch whle they were out.

Just before they want out mum said 'I'll eat on a tray and watch DVD'.

SIL retorts 'no way, no food gets eaten in front room.' So Mum ate ready meal in kitchen and then watched DVD.

Mum has been quite offended by this. I'm pissed off with the attitude on her behalf (there are many other exmpales of similar).

Are we unreasonable? is SIL reasonable?

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 15:20

well yes i agree with that - for example when i had my birthday party at home my mum did not insist everyone took their shoes off. it just wouldn't be polite to expect people to walk around in their socks and bare feet at a party.

i can't help but feeling if there was a thread that said "mil offered to babysat for the evening. she knows we don't like people to eat in the front room but decided to anyway and then ruined the sofa and carpet cos she had an accident. aibu to be angry with her?" there would have been a totally different response.

hercules1 · 20/08/2008 15:23

I would have responded the same. I dont think a few crumbs or a small spillage is likely to ruin a carpet and sofa anway.

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 15:25

depends what she was planning on eating i guess

tiredemma · 20/08/2008 15:27

Seriously- what is the most possible mess that she could have made?

I think that the SIL is acting a bit 'precious'

Dropdeadfred · 20/08/2008 15:27

but if SIL had said 'oh I'm really sorry MIL, would you mind if you ate first then watched the DVD, I'm just really protective of the furnishings in there and don't want any accidents/spillages' it would ahve been received alot better...

wheresthehamster · 20/08/2008 15:28

I bet your mum is kicking herself for mentioning it before they went out!

Even the Queen eats off a tray in front of the telly....

ninedragons · 20/08/2008 15:29

No, it doesn't depend at all.

MIL did SIL a gigantic favour and SIL was a rude bitch. If MIL wants to eat a saffron curry in there, SIL can get the stick out of her arse and be polite about it.

beanieb · 20/08/2008 15:29

was this exactly what she said? "'no way, no food gets eaten in front room.' "

Maybe she did it in a more comical or reasonable way than it has been told to you. I don't think it's disgraceful and I think your mum is being too sensitive. Does she have issues with your SIL?

beanieb · 20/08/2008 15:29

OH come on! it's hardly an outburst!

Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 15:30

Well, the assumption that the MIL is a messy eater who is prone to spilling food and beverages all over the place is rather insulting. We tend to eat at the table, but I would allow a babysitter (whether related or not) to eat in front of the tv rather than sit alone in the kitchen or dining room. I think it is shocking manners to expect help for free but show a lack of consideration in return. Afterall, the MIL didn't have to offer to babysit so that they could go out to dinner.

I live too far away from my inlaws or parents to ever get this sort of opportunity, so I think that my opinion is swayed by the fact that I would throw wine and spaghetti over my own sofa if it meant the possibility of night out at a restaurant with dh and FREE babysitting...

TheHedgeWitch · 20/08/2008 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Swedes · 20/08/2008 15:43

I love it that she trusts her to look after her children but not to eat a ready meal on a tray in front of the TV.

She sounds a bit of a pain.

VinegarTits · 20/08/2008 15:46

Agree with HW

edam · 20/08/2008 15:47

Hedgewitch, I think the child was asleep.

And you've got it arse about tit - it is the host who is responsible for looking after the guest (ESPECIALLY when the guest is actually doing you a massive favour), not the guest who is beholden to the host.

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 15:50

the child could have woken up i guess but that's not really the point.

yes it was said in a bit of a shitty way. YANBU about that.

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 15:50

Well my household rule is that when you have guests you make an effort to make them comfortable and relaxed.

An even more imporatnt rule is that when some does you a favour you show appreciation, which may mean putting yourself out in some way.

These are much more imporant rules than where you eat imo.

The child is 1 year. But if older it's very easy to explain that tonight grandma is alloewd to eat in there as a special traet because she's babysitting while Mummy and daddy are out, but it's an exceptation for grandma, and the rule stands for you. Not hard imo.(kids would be in bed anyway so a non issue).

OP posts:
tiredemma · 20/08/2008 15:52

would it not be reasonable to say to a child "granny is an adult and as such can be expected to eat in a fairly civilised manner. You are a child and that is why you sit in a high chair, with a bib on, in te kitchen"???

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 15:55

Just to add my mother is herself very houseproud and clean and tidy, and not a slatternly type AT ALL.

Mind you how slatterny would you have to be to ruin a sofa whilst eating a ready meal on a tray. Very, I imagine.

Could be done, but unlikley.

OP posts:
catweazle · 20/08/2008 15:55

Perhaps SIL didn't want her livingroom to smell of curry(or whatever)? Perhaps they have pale carpets? Perhaps MIL has previously managed to knock something over in there? We only have half the story. Just because somebody is an adult doesn't mean to guarantee they won't spill something.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/08/2008 15:57

in most houses i know most rules are ignored on behalf of favour giving giving guests. i have often said on here when people are willing to babysit my two little monsters angels they can eat where they want/feed them what they want/put to them to bed at whichever time they wish. im just so gratefull that some one has offered to give me and dh a much needed break and some time alone together.

if my mil came here to babysit i wouldnt mind if she smeared jam all over my carpet so long as she looked after my dds while she was doing it though i would prefer her to do the ironing of course

sil need to lear how to be more gratefull to people doing her a favour.

WinkyWinkola · 20/08/2008 15:57

SIL was most definitely rude the way she spoke to the MIL. Is she usually rude or is this a one off?

Her preferring no food in the front is fair enough though. If she would like people to eat in the kitchen or dining room, then that's up to her. It's her house.

But she should have asked politely and all would have been fine.

I take it the MIL is offended by the way she was spoken to and not the notion of not eating food in the front room?

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 15:58

god no! we have a rule of no eating unless at the table. i am 20 and we still have this rule!! once i decided to eat whilst watching a film i wanted to watch. then i saw the hugest spider ever and jumped up forgetting i still had the tray on my lap. lucily we have a leather sofa. accidents can and do happen.

TheHedgeWitch · 20/08/2008 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 16:00

Unlikley to have been curry (Mum doesn't like it much) I don't know, but could find out. Anyhow SIl didn't say 'we don't eat curry in front room'

They have a wooden floor, with a multicolured ethnic rug(very nice).

Leather sofas(also nice)

my mother also has nice leather sofas, and rugs in her own front room which she has managed noit to ruin.

My mum has not spilt anything previously at SIl's and is not known to be prone to spillages.

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 16:00

I think house-proud should be an insult. i am all for cleanliness and tidiness, but a house is a place for living.

People who are hung up on "rules" bore the tits of me...