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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a shitty way to treat your MIL?

118 replies

Communion · 20/08/2008 14:50

My mother went to stay with DB and SIL to look aftrer DN while thier nanny was on holiday.

She looked after DN for 2 days, cooked a meal one night for DB and SIL when they got in from work and next night told them to go out and she would babysit.

She bought herself an MS ready meal to eat that night. DB set up a DVD in front room for her to watch whle they were out.

Just before they want out mum said 'I'll eat on a tray and watch DVD'.

SIL retorts 'no way, no food gets eaten in front room.' So Mum ate ready meal in kitchen and then watched DVD.

Mum has been quite offended by this. I'm pissed off with the attitude on her behalf (there are many other exmpales of similar).

Are we unreasonable? is SIL reasonable?

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 16:00

"off me", even

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 16:09

Some rules are so important that you could not bend them even for politeness to a guest HW, and smoking would obviously come into that category for most people these days.

However, to make an excepation for a not eating in front room rule, would not really seem to have any neagtive consequences for SIL , and so could be accomodated to show goodwill and thoughfulness.

Eg- I would watch a progarmme on Tv if my guest expresed an interest in it ( but it was not of interest to me), but would ask them not to swear in front of my children.

You accomodate as much as you feel able, and I guess in this case the debate is, would this be a rasonable concession to make for your helpful guest?

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 20/08/2008 16:10

Erm. It really isn't remotely the same as smoking, is it? There are genuine health reasons to not want people to smoke anywhere in your house.

Having rooms in your house where people aren't allowed to eat is just a rule some people have for a huge multitude of reasons none of which are linked to worrying about your kids getting cancer or hooked on backy because of second hand smoke.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 20/08/2008 16:10

i agree bluebutterfly.

TheHedgeWitch · 20/08/2008 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 16:14

'People who are hung up on "rules" bore the tits of me...'

I agree bluebutterfly, and hence tensions with SIL i think, she has rules for everything.

I just don't find poele who obsess about cleanliness and rules terribly attractive I'm afraid. particuarly when thw rules are then more impotatent than other poeple.

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 20/08/2008 16:14

The baby was one and in bed. Who is she setting an example to? The wall?

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 16:17

She was a bloody guest. a guest there doing thrm a favour!!! family are guests.

'she was there to babysit'she's not an emplyee you know.

'and set an example' to who?? the 1 year old asleep upstirs?????

Are you for real HW?? You sound deeply unpleasnt I'm afraid.

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 20/08/2008 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

posieflump · 20/08/2008 16:19

yanbu
I think it was a rude thing to say
she sounds really uptight

Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 16:19

Yes, I can think of one reason THW - control freakery.

Some people are just not people-friendly because they are too far up their own you-know-whats.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 20/08/2008 16:19

"I would assume your SIL has her reasons why she doesn't allow anyone to eat in her front Room"

Yeah she's completely uptight!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 20/08/2008 16:19

And not just uptight. Uptight about her furniture!

posieflump · 20/08/2008 16:20

' i think your Mother sounds rude for thinking she can just do what she likes in someone elses house.'

the op didn't say anything like that though just that her mum was offended

I can't beleive people on here think that was an okay thing to say
are you all really uptight oo

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 16:20

She didn't know the rule, abided by it when told, but felt hurt that they wouldn't make an exception for her as she was babysitting and helping them out.

In what way was she rude HW?

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 16:21

Some people will just take other people for granted (their willingness to babysit for example) and will always put their own "little ways" ahead of the bigger picture.

VinegarTits · 20/08/2008 16:22

Your sil is too precious and your mil is too sensitive, if i was your dm i wouldnt have let it get to me tbh, its not like she was banned from the front room to watch her dvd, she was just asked not to eat in there. Storm in a tea cup IMO

ajandjjmum · 20/08/2008 16:24

Communion
Your mum is lovely to help out, and your SIL is totally unreasonable.
HW - she was hardly wanting to 'do what she likes' - just eat!!

BlingLovin · 20/08/2008 16:24

Seems to me the rule itself wasn't necessarily entirely unreasonable if for some reason SIL is anal very houseproud. But it seems it's more her attitude? Call me old fashioned, but I don't think you should speak to anyone, but especially not someone's elderly mother in that patronising and rude tone that is suggested here.

BlingLovin · 20/08/2008 16:25

that was supposed to be anal
I hate it when I screw up the formatting.

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 16:26

'People are more imporatnt than furniture'(especially ones who help you out)

we chant this in our house every day, and make guests join in, and if they don't we throw them out.

peopel are not more imporant than chanting.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 20/08/2008 16:26

Sil was a bit mean i agree but 'totally unreasonable' is over reacting

Bluebutterfly · 20/08/2008 16:27

As I said before - sil might be a little more humble if she didn't take the grandmothers willingness to help with such things for granted.

I feel very lucky when my mil comes to stay and help out because she lives too far away for it to be frequent. I bend over backwards to accomodate her and make her feel at home (meaning she can do as she pleases) while she is here - I also trust her (afterall I wouldn't let her watch ds if I didn't) so I THINK that it is probably ok to let her make her own judgement about whether eating on the sofa is a good idea or not. She is an adult.

As for "rules". Ds is not allowed to eat on the sofa, but I have no problem explaining to him that his grandmother is a grown-up who doesn't need the same rules as children do. After all, I let her walk across the street by herself, whilst I wouldn't let ds do the same. Think about it fgs.

DanJARMouse · 20/08/2008 16:27

SIL out of order.

We have a no food in the livingroom rule, but that stands for the children!!

Adults can eat in the living room because they dont make the mess that children do - and i have a new cream carpet down!

my 2yr old and 4yr old understand that clearly.

Original poster
Communion · 20/08/2008 16:28

OK VT, I'll take your 'bit mean'.

OP posts: