To think this is a shitty way to treat your MIL?

[Communion]

My mother went to stay with DB and SIL to look aftrer DN while thier nanny was on holiday.

She looked after DN for 2 days, cooked a meal one night for DB and SIL when they got in from work and next night told them to go out and she would babysit.

She bought herself an MS ready meal to eat that night. DB set up a DVD in front room for her to watch whle they were out.

Just before they want out mum said 'I'll eat on a tray and watch DVD'.

SIL retorts 'no way, no food gets eaten in front room.' So Mum ate ready meal in kitchen and then watched DVD.

Mum has been quite offended by this. I'm pissed off with the attitude on her behalf (there are many other exmpales of similar).

Are we unreasonable? is SIL reasonable?

But she was happy to take - in terms of childcare - so she should also be prepared to give.

Exactly DJMouse. Imagine treating your MIL like one of the children, yet expecting her to be responsible for them at the same time. Hypocrisy reigns supreme...

My Mum is pretty undemanding. It is unlikley she broke any other rules (or SIL would have said!) so surely you make some effort??

Or maybe my Mum putting her muddy wellies on the dining table and coming drunk with a strange man at 3 in the mornng the night before had upset SIL earlier?? I dunno.

Well THW, I was taught to respect my parents and I extend that to dh's parents now that I am married. My MIL would never knowingly break a "house rule" and I will bend "house rules" for her out of respect for her. For me respect for people trumps respect for inanimate objects. I think that SIL, at the very least, has questionable "respect" priorities.

HW - do you realise you have used nine different arguments in the course of this conversation? Only one actually made any sense.

Which is that it's her house and she ought to have her say over the rules. Fair enough.

The rest of your argument being poorly laid out has severally undermined this point.

Well, although I think not eating in front room is crazy, it's entirely possible that SIL has that rule for everyone, adults and children? We don't have that rule or anything similar, but I know a few people who don't allow red wine in their carpeted areas. Ever. Full stop. I, on the other hand, would rather run the risk of red wine stains than EVER give up drinking red wine. But each to his own I guess.

I would think that more people allow food in their front room than not, so your mother was probably just assuming DB and SIL would not mind food in their front room. Which is reasonable IMO.

[Disclaimer: I allow food in my lounge!]. However, if I was in someone else's house, I would follow their rules. If I was asked not to eat in someone's front room, I wouldn't eat in there, I'd eat in the kitchen. However, SIL should have asked very nicely, not right to just say "NO WAY".

Your mum is right to be offended if SIL was rude about it, but wrong to be offended if SIL nicely and politely asked her to follow house rules.

I don't agree with the assumption that just because someone is doing you a favour that they can behave how they like. It's almost like saying your reward for doing the favour is to behave how you like. In fact, the reward for a favour is purely the fact that you have done a favour for someone - there is no reward as such. If you don't like it, don't do the favour!

It's a favour, perhaps you might be able to return the favour in the future.

argh, can't spell, I meant severely

Life is too short to be stupid about furnishings and carpets. It was very patronising of the SIL to assume that her MIL would make a mess.
If the child was asleep upstairs, then the lady was practically on her own. I always think it's a bit odd eating at a dining table by yourself.

If I was on my own in the evening I'd much rather eat in front of tv than in the kitchen.

yanbu

'Or maybe my Mum putting her muddy wellies on the dining table and coming drunk with a strange man at 3 in the mornng the night before had upset SIL earlier?? I dunno.'

Was she out trolling?

"What if your SIL had said ok and your mother had spilled her food or her drink.. accidents do happen."

Yeah, what would have happened if she had spilled her drink or food? Presumably the earth would not have spun off its axis.

YANBU. Your SIL is mental.

I'm not assuming that if you do someone a favour you can do whatever you like.
Some things would be entirely unreasonable obviously.

But is eating in the front room untirely unreasonable?

It is her rule. But a rule she could choose to bend on this occasion.

Those of you (HW) who shout 'it's my/her rule', 'it's a rule', abide by my rules, are missing the point.

Yes it is her house rule. Yes my mum abided by her rule once informed of the rule.

The qustion* is, isn't it a bit churlish on this ocasion not to choose yourself to bend your rule for your helpful guest?
To reiterate she did abide by the rule, once informed of it.

HW would you ever bend your ruled for a guest?

VT that was (I thought obviously), a joke.

My mum is a traditional mild mannered 65yr old lady, who has to my knowledge never been drunk, out aftre midnight, or on the pull.

I don't think my dad would like it.

Rude, ungrateful and inflexible. There ARE different rules for adults (especially when children are in bed).

Ok, wasnt sure so had to ask. Well maybe your mother sould try to be a bit more assertive with your sil in future and tell her she is a bit anal about the no food in the front room rule, or just ignore her and do it when she's gone out. Not worth getting upset about though imo

Your SIL needs to lighten up!

SIL needs slap in the face with a wet fish - not just any fish...an M&S fish - naturally.

VT, they were meant to be examples of real unreasonable behaviour.

You are right that on it's own this could be just a small misunderstadning and overeaction, but it's part of a bigger picture where SIL has many rules about many things that seem more imporatnt than people, and that she will never bend on, whether in her own house or not.

She is some one who does not put herself out at all. she has very clear boundaries about what she will and won't do and will not alter these to fit with others, ever, at all.

She is rarely rude tbh, just calmly asertive aboutwhat she will/won't eat, where she will/won't go, what she can/can't sleep on or sit on, what presents are/are not acceptable for her and DN (money being the preferrde option she has taken every present my mum has ever bought her back).

I'm going off the point, but this latest seemingly small example upset my mum as I think it just demonstarted again that even when my Mum tries to be kind the thoughtfulness is not reciprocated.

Your SIL was incredibly rude. I can understand not letting children eat in the front room but that is a silly rule for adults.

Ok THW. In light of that your posts make more sense.

crokky, i certainly haven't suggested that the "reward" for doing me a favour is getting to do whatever you like except in the sense that I trust that my MIL would never intentionally do anything to damage my property! I do think that it is about respecting kind, close family members and trusting them. I like guests, especially family, to feel at home in my house, but we are quite a casual, open and welcoming household where doors are always open to friends and family.

Basically it is about knowing and trusting someone elses judgement, and not just a random person, a close family member fgs. Afterall if I didn't know and trust their judgement then they wouldn't be looking after my children. Frankly, it is dictatorial and patronising to "lay down the law" to your mother in law and it sounds more like power play than common sense to me.

slightly going off topic here but it amazes me that people can't eat on their own without the tv for company. would you also sit in a restaurant on your own with a mini tv on the table?