AIBU to think that once you have paid your childcare, its not really worth working.? Is it that you just don`t want to look after your own kid. prefering to stick them in daycare as soon as the shine wears off, it really bugs me!

[discusturd]

Some go from 7-6 and never see there parents, I know I will get slated but in the nursery I work some kids hardly know who their parents are.

Ahhh the wohm vs sahm argument.

I have no choice, I have to work. We have 3 DDs, two are my step-DDs therefore we have our house and child plus the DH's ex's house and DH's 2 children. We are lucky, DH's ex works school ours so the two step-DDs are taken care of after school each night.... but lets face it, school hours in an NHS job don't pay the bills so maintenance is high high high.

We love our kids, we have to work. I work 4 days 9-4 and the money I earn not only pays for DD3's childcare but also half the mortgage and bills. Without my contribution we would all be living in a one-room bedsit.

I don't love my kids any less because I work, I love my kids because they are my kids. Do I feel guilty for working? Not much of the time, when I see my DD running around her Nursery class singing and dancing and socialising and learning to make friends at such an early age I am proud of her. I am proud of all my kids, the older two know we have to work and they show a vested interest in what all 4 parents (include step-parents here) do and tey have learnt the value of 'quality time'. They honestly ask us how our days at work are, they want to know, they love the fact we share our stories of work with them, they get excited when DH and I have business pitches and call us up the moment we are out of our meetings to see if we have won. They are proud of us and they are growing up to be well balanced young ladies.

So, do I worry what people think of me for working and bringing up 3 kids? Not for a single second.

And by the way OP, if you think the 'shine has worn off' for us working mums it hasn't. Perhaps the shine has worn off for you and you are a little envious of our adult time hence your post.

Excellent post BlueBumedFly. I too, was proud of my kids when I saw them settling happily at nursery, learning new skills and making new friends which complemented the learning going on at home. This is the issue that I think SAHMS sometimes don't get. When a parent works, it doesn't mean the child is missing out,if anything, the child is getting more, ie the opportunity to enjoy activities and experiences which can't be replicated at home. And what better way for children to learn that there are interesting careers to aspire to, than to have parents who have those careers. Children learn by example. Not by being told. No good telling your daughters that they can go off and become doctors, teachers, lawyers etc if the reality they come home to every night is a mother who has handed her life over, lock stock and barrel, to her kids. It is perfectly possible to enjoy going out to work and being a parent - after all, that's what the majority of parents do!

discusturd, you say in our OP that 'some children hardly know who their parents are'

Give me examples please - do the children in your care get confused at picking up time and run to the wrong mother or father?

Good for you findtheriver, I could not agree more!!

my mother worked full time.she was shattered.

one of the many reason i never went back to work.

i learned by example that mothers aren't wonder women. there are not enough hours in the day to be getting up thru the night and working thru the day and raise the kids and do the housework.

that's a very good point findtheriver. I am a single parent and only have one child. I know my son gets loads out of being at the CM, being around other children and her husband and her other kids. He loves people and when it's just me, he does get a bit bored tbh.

tigermoth - good point

All comes down to working as a team and good time management elmo. That's sad that seeing your mother shattered has left you feeling you have to completely give up your working life. Sounds like she was either in a job she didnt enjoy/wasnt coping with. It's perfectly possible to be a parent and go out to work!

single mother, 5 kids, own successful business

Can I add please that my mum (who I am very close to) thinks that I should "want" to stay at home full time.

My DD is 7 months and in intend to work part time when she is 1. I have to say that I am kind of looking forward to it, its hard work singing and playing ALL day long.

Yep, I never thought that being a mum would be easy but neither do I want to play 24/7. I would become boring for my DD! I will be a better person for combining the two, and consider myself lucky that I can do that.

Its upsetting when my mum questions it, but times were different in her day. [hmmm]

Elmoandella - it's mostly why I didn't go back to work after my 3rd. I was exhausted trying to do everything. When I came off work on mat. leave with my 2nd I realised that I hardly knew my eldest.

Findtheriver - somewhat daft remark
"No good telling your daughters that they can go off and become doctors, teachers, lawyers etc if the reality they come home to every night is a mother who has handed her life over, lock stock and barrel, to her kids."
I suppose I could be considered to be the sort of mother you describe. However, it doesn't seem to have put my 17yo dd off going to uni and considering career options after that.

Pamelat - How old is your mum that it was different in her day? My mum always pushed us to have a career and 'not be dependant on any man' and she would have been 74 this year.

pamelat - I agree that it was really tough on previous generations. The expectation was often that it wasn't the done thing to educate women too much, and certainly not that they should be successful in a career, god forbid! So thousands of bright, capable women ended up at home because that's where society told them they should be. And pretty unfair on the men too, who no doubt would have have been happy to be married to a successful woman, and to be able to share the ups and downs of parenting and work. Things were very polarised then - if you were a man, you worked and provided, if you were a woman, you stayed home, had babies and kept a neat house. Thank the lord we've moved on since then.

juuule - what on earth is daft about bringing our children up to see that both their parents are capable of being parents and working??

lol at Quattro saying "This debate is a very very old debate. It is called Wohm vs Sahm and it has been going on for as long as the Wars of the Roses.

Sahms are always either or both of brainless and dependent whose husbands will surely leave them as they are so dull

Wohms are always heartless or money grabbing and their children will end up as delinquents and their husbands will surely leave them as they are so busy

Do not get upset by it, no-one else is, it's just a ritual, like a japanese tea ceremony. "

Quite.

I've been back at work for 2 1/2 weeks now. It's early days, and some on here will testify to how scary and upsetting I found it putting my dd in nursery - it was a lot for her to get used to after being at home in quiet house with mummy all day. But, whilst it is early days, things are going well so far. My dd's loving nursery, and coming on in leaps and bounds with her eating, confidence, socialising etc - much more quickly, I reckon, than if she'd been at home. I only moved to where I'm living recently and don't know many people yet so couldn't have given her the same experiences myself very easily. But I feel good too - getting time to pursue the career I love and have some intellectual stimulation. My time with my dd is better quality as a result. Discustard, why on earth would I feel guilty about any of that??

Waves to Pamelat!

findtheriver - nothing daft about children seeing that both parents can work, just daft to say that you can't tell your daughter's that it's possible to become doctors, teachers, lawyers etc unless you go out to work yourself. Do you have to be a doctor, teacher, lawyer etc yourself for that to work?

no, you don't have to be each of those things, of course not. I was simply making the point that children learn best by example.

And a hardworking parent who doesn't work outside the home, leave the child and get paid isn't a good example?

I don't think it matters what anyone else thinks really.

The biggest source of angst comes from a mother herself, no matter what anyone from the outside is saying (although in some situations, it can contribute to piling on the guilt).

None of us can tell whether what we are doing is the best situation for our children whether it be choice of school or moving area or working etc. We all do what we think or hope might be the best situation and in some cases, are forced into those situations for money or other reasons but who knows how it will turn out. None of us can tell and everyone will have a different experience.

erm... did i miss something, the last time i checked we had come out of the dark ages...

isnt the point that we have more choices than any of our predecessors had... and that we should celebrate that we have these choices rather than tear ourselves criticising other peoples choices.

women... god we dont do ourselves any favours do we??

I also find it sad that so many parents seem to have little faith in themselves that they believe nurseries and other people are more capable of providing the right environment for their babies. While some might be rightly critical of themselves there do seem to be a lot who are not confident in their abilities at all.
I do feel that there is a tendency for parenting skills to be undermined by a culture of "Oh, they're much better off in nursery".

Agree - oi and wombleprincess

not all children thrive in nurseries. ds tried nursery for 2 months. he was getting worse and worse, it was affecting him in all aspects. he is definately alot better off at home.

how is it my dp says "he's a bit nervous again today" when he's having a bad day.

I dont think going to nursery is in way saying that the nursery is 'better' for your child. It's like saying school is 'better' than home. A good nursery can complement parenting. I didnt send my kids to nursery to make up for any deficiencies in parenting, and neither does anyone else i know. They gained a huge amount from being there which added to what they learned and experienced in the home.

Oh how fookin ridiculous,tell me DISCUS TURD! do we will all stay at home and try to strughgle on one wage,unless we are married to a wealthy fella or if we are single starve???

Brill name by the way, couldnt have thought of a better one myself for a complete shit stirrer.