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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick of people feeling sorry for me because me and partner have not got hitched?

35 replies

givemeabreak · 14/08/2008 20:19

I'm getting sick of people saying that they are going to start getting on at partner to pop the question. Just because we have 2 kids we shouldn't have to explain to people why we haven't got married yet. Is that not our business. Also get pissed off that people assume my 2 pregnancies must be accidents because we are not married!

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 14/08/2008 20:20

tell them you are having too much fun living in sin

morningpaper · 14/08/2008 20:20

do you live in Dorset in the early 19th century?

RubySlippers · 14/08/2008 20:21

i know a few people with children who aren;t married

TBH i can barely muster up the energy to raise an eyebrow

tab1 · 14/08/2008 20:22

I get fed up of being called mrs

JentlyDoesIt · 14/08/2008 20:23

Oh yes, I get exactly this - TANBU
DP and I won't get married either because he had a horrid experience with his ex w. So people feel sorry for me because I will never have a wedding! I keep trying to tell them that 2 kids and a mortgage is quite enough for me but no, they harp on about it...

You have my deepest commiserations.

Original poster
givemeabreak · 14/08/2008 20:52

I get called mrs a lot 2 and to be honest it doesn't bother me but when I correct whoever has said it they then start getting over the top apologetic as if its a really touchy subject. That then starts getting on my nerves!

OP posts:
lazaroulovespastries · 14/08/2008 20:55

I don't want to alarm you, but you do know you will burn in the fires of hell don't you?

elmoandella · 14/08/2008 21:04

when i get called mrs i dont even bother correcting. takes too much effort and explaining when they questions begin.

twoboots · 14/08/2008 21:20

been in a relationsship for 10 years, have a gorgeous baby, happen to have a bespoke ring, what more do i need? how do you refer to dp? feel a bit too old for "boyfriend", people sometimes think i'm a lesbian when i say "partner"

GrinningGorilla · 14/08/2008 21:26

3 children, 7 1/2 years and no wedding. Through choice.
My midwife had actually written in my notes that my 3rd pregnancy was an "accident" because I was "unmarried" (both documented in notes) I took great delight in tearing her off a strip and crossing the offending sentence out!

How rude to presume!

elmoandella · 14/08/2008 21:28

twoboots. - i have similar thing. we got engaged just to shut in laws up. but no intention of marrying anytime soon. i never even wear ring incase i damage it. but fiance, and boyfriend sound naff and both end up with "ooh are you getting married anytime soon"

notcitrus · 14/08/2008 22:29

MrNC and I had a big public commitment ceremony which was huge amounts of explaining at the time but has cut down on stupid questions since.

Except the ring one. I hate rings, and have never been able to own one for more than a couple days without losing it. But people keep saying "How do you know you're married/committed/he's serious without a ring?"!

I'd have thought this 6-foot bloke hanging around after 14 years and lots of hassle, calling me his life partner, might just be a reminder!

Swedes · 14/08/2008 22:31

As a matter of interest, why aren't you married though?

combustiblelemon · 14/08/2008 22:43

I wouldn't risk not being married. If anything happened to my DH and we weren't married, I'd have to sell the house to pay the inheritance tax. Spouses/those in civil partnerships don't have to pay it.

Original poster
givemeabreak · 14/08/2008 22:57

you only pay inheritance tax if assets are over 275k though. I dont think that gives us enough reason to get hitched.

OP posts:
combustiblelemon · 14/08/2008 23:05

With just half the house ours wouldn't be, but when you add on life insurance, deathin service benefits from work etc. we're just over the limit.

As for getting married, you get presents! If that doesn't sway you then you're obviously happy as you are.

(Warning: Presents may include bizarre yet pricey tat from close family that you would need to store in your loft/garage for the next 20 odd years, because you can't throw it away in case they ever ask about it.)

Original poster
givemeabreak · 14/08/2008 23:21

im not actually against marriage but circumstances have been such that the time has not been right and i think people should mind their own business rather than stick their noses in. People always assume it must be because boyfriend doesnt want to and i dont know why i should have to explain reason we havent got married yet.

OP posts:
pinkspottywellies · 14/08/2008 23:26

I'm shocked that people are funny about it. I love being married but wouldn't ever presume that other people want to or should!

In a similar vein though I get the assumption that marriage and children must have been my idea and that I had to convice/cajole/manipulate dh into it It was always from both of us.

combustiblelemon · 14/08/2008 23:37

It is horrible. It's no-one else's business, but a hell of a lot of people seem to do it.

I used to feel really sorry for my cousin who actually really did want to get married, having to put up with frequent 'Has he not popped the question yet?' comments and having to laugh along with the jokes.

Original poster
givemeabreak · 14/08/2008 23:42

thats the thing even though its irratating if u tell folk to fuck off they would be a bit like whoops touchy subject alert... Ive hit a nerve here even if they havent and your just sick of having to explain yourself!.

OP posts:
Original poster
givemeabreak · 14/08/2008 23:52

im not actually against marriage but circumstances have been such that the time has not been right and i think people should mind their own business rather than stick their noses in. People always assume it must be because boyfriend doesnt want to and i dont know why i should have to explain reason we havent got married yet.

OP posts:
combustiblelemon · 14/08/2008 23:52

You need a one line comment that will just stop any further fuss. Maybe a breezy, "No, no wedding plans as yet but I'll make sure that yours will be the first invite I post" kind of thing. Whilst your mentally sharpening knives and thinking about where to hide the body.

Original poster
givemeabreak · 14/08/2008 23:57

swedes im not married partly cos we wanted to get on housing market first rather than save for wedding. This financially has ensured our children are living in a big enough place to house them in a nice area. I didnt want to delay having kids though as im in my 30's wanted more than one and wanted them quite close together. I know you can have kids at an...

OP posts:
Original poster
givemeabreak · 15/08/2008 00:01

older age but its not something i wanted to do. Additionally my partners nun was extremely ill last year and arranging a wedding would put a lot of pressure on her financially (as she would insist on paying some of it) and additional pressure on her being well enough to attend. Dont mind saying on mumsnet but should i have to go through this with others?

OP posts:
Heated · 15/08/2008 00:11

A colleague at where I used work is pretty anti-establishment & his partner an ardent feminist, both totally happy as they are with their life & child. He did eventually marry after 20 odd years because he wanted to protect his dd if anything happened to him, concerned I think, when a relative died intestate, who had an exwife and long-term gf & it was messy. He popped out during a couple of free periods, got married, and came back for a school dinner .

Generally I think ppl ought to back off, dh & I only got married when ppl got tired of asking!