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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friends dp, doesn't treat her well?

32 replies

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 14:46

they don;t have any kids, biggish morgage.

she earns about 12k a year
he earns about 28k

they pay half each of the bills, then keep whats leftover to themseleves.
this means she has nothing.
and he has a fair bit.

do you think this is fair?

OP posts:

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 14:47

she is lovely btw, and she is no dimwit she does have a degree.

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 12/08/2008 14:49

It doesn't sound particularly fair, but unfortuantely, its her life and if she's not happy with it, then she needs to make a decision about it.

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 14:51

yes, it just seems a bit mean to me.

OP posts:

Shoegazer · 12/08/2008 14:55

It sounds like its none of your business how your friend decides to manage her financial affairs with her DP.

FWIW we also split bills 50/50 until we had children, he was working full time and I was a student nurse on a bursary for most of that time. I was very happy with the situation. Although I don't have a degree so perhaps I'm a dimwit.

scottishmum007 · 12/08/2008 14:56

does seem a bit mean, but maybe your friends DP does give her money that you aren't aware of, from his own wages??

HonoriaGlossop · 12/08/2008 14:56

It's not what I'd want in a marriage but this is only a DP - they obviously think of themselves still as boyfriend/girlfriend I guess; when dh and I were living in a flat on that basis we still paid the same rent, half the bills etc; I mean if you have flatmates, you don't pay rent based on what you earn but on what the rent IS

I think it's fair enough, if they are still very much seperate beings, no joint account etc

cheesesarnie · 12/08/2008 14:57

sounds bit unfair but its her life.

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 14:57

im don't have a degree either.

shes having to pay to see a dr, as the nhs waiting list is so long for the condition she has, and has had to ask her mum and dad for the money as she can't afford it.

OP posts:

scottishmum007 · 12/08/2008 14:57

It's none of the OP business, but she's only interested in her friend and wants others opinions on whether her friend's DP is being fair or not.
I have asked for opinion about family circumstance with relatives on MN. I don't do it to cause arguments, just to get opinion and advice.

JumpingDizzy · 12/08/2008 14:58

agree it's unfair but she's the one putting up with it for some reason?

Miggsie · 12/08/2008 14:59

The amount they pay in bills should e proportionate to their respective incomes I think which is why the mortgage comes out of DH's account in our marriage!
I cover the food bills.
DH spends most of his spare cash on me and DD anyway.
I used to know someone who paid her salary into thier joint account which her boyfriend had sole rights to and would not let her have a card to it...I was not happy about that one, but she would not do anything about it.
Her choice.

Perhaps a quiet word to her? Did she tell you this becuase she was unhappy with it or did she tell you it thinking this is what everyone did?

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 14:59

he does give her anything scotmummy

they have been together 12 years and have just brought a house last year.

OP posts:

scottishmum007 · 12/08/2008 15:01

I'm earning nothing just now so DH pays all the bills. It was also a similar story when I was a student, I contributed very little financially but that suited us at the time and we are currently happy with our situation now.
Does your friend think it's unfair, has she been upset about it?

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 15:02

she told me because shes unhappy.
and feels bad asking her mum and dad for financial help, at 31. her words not mine.
to see this dr, its only about 60pound she needed aswell.

OP posts:

scottishmum007 · 12/08/2008 15:02

she needs to hve a word with her DP then, he maybe doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong.

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 15:03

since they have brought this house she has no money to spend on clothes, going out nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 15:04

hes just brought himself new clothes guitar new car, he goes out twice a week at least drinking.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 12/08/2008 15:05

blimey, been together 12 years and have a mortgage....well no that's not the same as paying your way in a flatshare situation....

Yes it's unfair. Why the hell does she let him get away with this arrangement? Sounds like he enjoys the power of keeping the little woman without money? Why is she only earning 12k if she has a degree?

scottishmum007 · 12/08/2008 15:05

i know a few friends who have recently bought property and they can't even afford fancy food, it's beans on toast for weeks and weeks because of the mortgage payments. it's not that common to buy new clothes when you have a big mortgage. they may have a lot of financial strains at the moment. who knows.

Miggsie · 12/08/2008 15:06

no wonder she is unhappy, she is subsidising a nice life for him...

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 15:06

she has Crohn's Disease, and needed to see a dr about this, it would of took a 4 month wait on the nhs, in lots of pain, or pay 60quid and see the dr in about 2 weeks.
i think he could of helped her out.
at least her mum and dad did.

OP posts:

scottishmum007 · 12/08/2008 15:06

X post there, i didn't see that bit about him buying himself new car and guitar.
he sounds like a prick, sorry. what is she doing with a loser? you need to get your friend sorted out, tell her she deserves better than him.

Original poster

lovelysongbird · 12/08/2008 15:07

well shes ben ill, and never gets lucky in interviews

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 12/08/2008 15:08

has she not spoken to her dp about it?

FioFio · 12/08/2008 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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