to stop DP having any of his own time?

[Kaedsmum]

It's a horrible way to think, but we have a 3 and a half month old baby and he works 40 hours a week. He spends the rest of his time with us as he's a family man. We go off and do things together, days out, visit people. However, we have very limited money.

He's started a football team up at his work and expects to go and play with them but it infuriates me because I NEVER get any time to myself. he works 5 days a week and the other two days we look after the baby together. but say he was to nip out to see a friend, family, go to the pub, even go to the shop, he can just go and do it. I can't. if I even want to go to the shop I'd have to think about where caters for babies, I'd have to put the car seat in the car which is a faff, or take the pram which means I can't push a shopping trolley, do everything around feeds and poops and alsorts.

But he can just go and do whatever.

Yes he works hard and I shouldn't begrudge him time on his own, but I can never just scoot off on my own.

Do you know what I mean?

yes i am unreasonable but surely someone can sympathise?

You see, i may be totally stupid, but i don't get this obsession with "free time away from kids" thing.

during school time... i get 2.5hrs a day when ds at school at dd having a nap.
Then dd goes to bed at 6.30pm, followed by ds at 7.30pm. I go to bed about 11pm.

I work that out to be 6 hours a day that is mine alone. Just because i'm in the house doesn't mean i don't loooove the time. I read, bathe, pamper, have friends round, watch tele, internet etc,etc....

mums are perfectly capable of getting quality "me" time whilst still being with our children..

I love nothing more than cuddling up on the couch with a good book and a large glass of wine, knowing my children are cosy in bed.

Bloody hell Barnsleybelle! I may be totally stupid (and probably am) but how can you type that post having seen this thread.

I type this post based on my own and many of my friends experiences.

I am perfectly aware that other mums have an extremely tough time at home.
Have you read the whole of this thread. I am commenting on the fact that a number of people on this thread seem to be of the opinion that the only way to get free time is to go to work. I'm merely commenting on my own experience which is that i'm able to get free time whilst still being with my kids.

My comments are based on a discussion some of us are having re work/home issues.

If you read my previous post, i mention that i support mums who stay at home and mums who work and their choices. I also mention that i sympathise greatly with mums who are either at work or at home when it's not their own choice. This is a different discussion to that of the other thread, the person of which i sympathise greatly and have hopefully offered support and advice. Just because my own situation does not reflect the one of the other post does not mean i can't comment on my happiness to spend large quantities of time at home with my children.

barnsleybelle - must admit to having committed the worst MN crime and posted not having read the entire thread. tbh I'm in a rather similar postion to the OP on the other thread so hopefully you'll understand my previous post and why I couldn't follow 5 pages of argument right now .

When you said "mums are perfectly capable of getting quality "me" time whilst still being with our children.." it stuck a nerve with me and my response was - in your situation yes, but for others a definite no-no (for now at least).

see - I can't even type now 'stuck a nerve'

Bigbadmousey... thanks for replying. I would have hated to have offended anyone.
I suppose i should have put "some mums".

Believe me i have had it very rough too at times. Dh works away for 8 weeks at a time and i get virtually no help with the children.

I do hope you understand that my comments were based on the fact that personally i don't feel the need to go to work all the time to get free time.

I would have never wrote this kind of post on a thread where a mum is having a rough time. I've been there and i go back there on a regular basis!!!

Hope things improve for you soon, i honestly do.

barnsleybelle - that's OK. ISWYM now. I'm just rather humpy at the moment and made a bad mistake of coming straight from that thread to see your comment on this one. My mistake

One last thing you can help me with???
What does ISWYM mean? I see it on so many threads and can't work it out!!! Doh!

I
See
What
You
Mean

now you will

There is also IYSWIM

If
You
See
What
I
Mean

Thanks.

I thnk it depends on the children and the personality of the mother. A lot of parents end up with children who are never asleep at the same time and are up with colic until very late. Our first child cried every night. I would go to bed at 10 and her father would have her awake until mid night and then I'd take over if she was still awake. Work was a pic nic by comparison. She was still waking at night when we had number 2. None of our children slept through the night until age 1 at least. My brother and sister's children have been the same. Was there free time? Not in the day when we had a 3 a 1 year old and a baby, no never. There was always one or other awake always. So for us getting them to sleep by 7.30 or 8 was crucial but all that meant was you got time to eat but then sleep because you're tired.

However that's just the under 5s stage. Then they get older and it's much easier.

Also some people, men and women, just don't have the personality to want to be with or find it easy to be with small children for long periods. I am happy to admit that is the case for me. I don't like the nature of the role, the fact you do things and have to do them again. There is a long term sense of achievement and with 3 at univesrity now I can see the results and have loved having them but I would never have wanted them for 14 hours stretches at a time.

I agree completely that it about choices.
My best friend of 20 years works full time and has done so since her ds was 4 months old. She works because she wants to and says it's easier than being at home. She's a fantastic mum.
That situ is not for me at all, but i get her choice and don't think what i do is better or worse than her.

I think Xenia your posts often come across that SAHM are second class who are are stuck at home likened to a doormat. I'm sure you don't think that, as if you are an intelligent person then you can understand that professional, capable women may actually want to leave their high flying, lucrative jobs to be at home with their children and be more content than they have ever been.

Xenia, women in other cultures who have to go back to work, say in the fields take their babies with them. They do not leave them at home.

I don't understand how you can leave such a young baby personally but to try and say ' this is what everyone does around the world 'is just wrong.

The only group of people, historically, who left their children to the care of someone else were the very rich, simply because they wanted someone else to look after them while they got on with something else.

IN other words anyone who can afford to in all cultures virtually always i.e it's pretty natural to do it but most women are too poor to be able to afford to do so and also of course don't forget all the women now and in the past who leave a child with a relative so they can work even if they go back to it for breastfeeds. In other words more women could and perhaps should consider going back to work right away as I did and should not be bothered by cultural mores and pressures in the UK that say fine if a man goes back to work but not a woman which is very very sexist and keeps women down.

xenia, MOST women would find the idea of leaving a newborn to go to work very upsetting, but you know that.

I would have rather my dh go back to work early than me. Not because of any cultural pressures that make me feel as though i should stay at home.

It's a feeling that is in me, whether i want it their or not.. I accept that other people may want to go back to work early, andi accept some mums may have to go to work early.

Me, there is nothing that makes me feel more whole and fulfilled than being with my children... if that makes me sad, then i don't really care..

I really feel as though they are an extension of myself and that being with them is where i want to be..

What suits one doesn't suit another, and whatever we want to do that makes us the best mum we can be should be applauded, be it work or home.

I think it's a little disingenuous of you Xenia to argue in terms only of cultural mores and pressures. You must know very clearly from being on this site for as long as you have that for many, many women this is not about mores but about a totally visceral need to be with their baby. You know that your situation was unusual both in those terms and in terms of how well you could have your babies looked after when you were at work.

barnsley, that doesn't make you sad, it makes you normal!!!

please don't be resentful of your DP, let him have time on his own, he deserves it too. You really need to allocate a morning/afternoon for yourself to just go out alone or do whatever you want to do though.
my dh plays PC games in the evening, its a hobby so I let him geton with it. I would love him to spend more time with me but he needs 'me' time too. we all have to respect that we need a bit 'me' time regularly.
I find we get on better when we've both had time to ourselves seperately.