to stop DP having any of his own time?

[Kaedsmum]

It's a horrible way to think, but we have a 3 and a half month old baby and he works 40 hours a week. He spends the rest of his time with us as he's a family man. We go off and do things together, days out, visit people. However, we have very limited money.

He's started a football team up at his work and expects to go and play with them but it infuriates me because I NEVER get any time to myself. he works 5 days a week and the other two days we look after the baby together. but say he was to nip out to see a friend, family, go to the pub, even go to the shop, he can just go and do it. I can't. if I even want to go to the shop I'd have to think about where caters for babies, I'd have to put the car seat in the car which is a faff, or take the pram which means I can't push a shopping trolley, do everything around feeds and poops and alsorts.

But he can just go and do whatever.

Yes he works hard and I shouldn't begrudge him time on his own, but I can never just scoot off on my own.

Do you know what I mean?

yes i am unreasonable but surely someone can sympathise?

People who won't socialise ever without their partners are inadequate bucketheads and the only way their relationships last is if they find a fellow loser to superglue themselves to, as healthy people need time alone to function properly.
And it is vital when you have a newborn, especially if you are a SAHM, to book a slot of time each week where your DP is in sole charge of the baby and you go out by yourself. Otherwise all but the very nicest, most honourable and intelligent of men will slide step by step into thinking of you as a 'woman', a 'wifeandmother' rather than a human being.

My post probably came over a little harsh - I do sympathise but think it's too easy to just end up doing nothing and get stuck in a rut and very resentful.

God, I remember feeling exactly the same when DS was a baby.
You sorted it out so well though, your DH sounds like a good 'un

caprica, I have to disagree. Looking after one baby, no matter how grumpy that baby might be is not particularly hard work. I've been there.
There are many adjectives that could be used, frustrarting , monotonous, tiring etc, but hard work? No.
I used to moan about it, now with hindsight I'm very that I used to do that!

Babies are VERY hard work.. Think your being a BU and a bit NU if you know what i mean?

I think it's hard when you are used to doing everything for baby all day every day to actually let go and leave dh to do it. A lot of dh's are sort of happy to let you keep doing it all as long as you do. It's not that they are lazy just don't think to step in, until you ask.

My dh works away for 8 weeks at atime and when he comes home he takes over. It's took a lot of getting used to as he doesn't do things the same as me but the end result is the same (albeit the house looks like CSI have been in!).

Shre the load when he's home and go out, even just to the shops etc. Don't hover over dh, just let him do it his way...

It does get easier, i promise you. Sometimes us mums are reluctant to let dad step in as we think they won't do it the same, or as good. If you leave him to it and praise him at the end it will transform your life. ( My dh is like a child and praising his childcare makes him keen to do more!!)

Once you get past the 6 month stage it does get much easier, honestly!
All of a sudden, Dads seem to "notice" their DC and want to be with them.
My DH was a bit like the OP. He would never stay at home with DD1 by himself, so i got very resentfull.
One day when DD1 was around 5 months old i was not feeling well at all (tummy bug and fever) and just could NOT lift a finger.
Luckily it was the weekend and then DH had to look after DD1 on his own and he found that he enjoyed it a lot.
Now we comprimise, and as long as he gets to do his thing during the week, then he'll take the kids off my hands, sometimes for a whole Saturday!
Just don't let the whole thing become a big battleground.

Looking after one baby is incredibly hard work - when it is the first time you have ever done it and your life has just turned upside down and the baby is only three months old so you haven't really had much time to get your head round it yet.

Maybe it doesn't seem that hard in retrospect, once you've moved on to juggling two or more children at the same time. But it IS hard at the time. Especially if you are studying as well. Hats off to you Kaedsmum - sounds like you and your partner are adjusting to parenthood and keeping the lines of communication open. Hope you enjoy those nights out - together and alone

Oh God PGCE and yung baby. You deserve a medal.

I did the samecomplete nightmare

I'm glad you've sorted it.

That sentence 'comes in after work and is too tired to look after the baby' has made my blood BOIL. It's his baby. Of course he's not too tired. He has a responsibility.

and it will do their bond the power of good for DH to put aside his tiredness and actually DO the work.

Your last thread sounded lovely, kaedsmum, hope it all works out well for you

Didn't mean thread! I meant your last post!!

my local leisure centre has a creche, its £2 for the baby to go in their whilst I go for a swim.i know some of the posher gyms have creche's too.

Single mum here too from the off...worked full time too and became ill. My social life consisted of my mum and dads place and after quite a few years my pc.
With Dd some years later, I found myself in a relationship without living together, him working away(starting 2 months before I gave birth), me with a debilitating disease, taking a career break - so financially in dire straights. I'm still 'in a relationship' with Dd's daddy, but he works away and often doesn't 'bother' to come back, so when he does - if we get to see him, I want to stay in with him so as to spend time with him even though he says that I can always go out and he'll watch the Dc's . Good job I love him eh?

This is the price you pay when you stay home. Most women with under 5s work and that enables there to be a much more equal relationship at home and less the old fashioned model of man thinking woman is responsible for a child because she's female and his time is his own. When he has to chase home from work to the child minder's or nursery and fix child care when the child is sick or cover when you're doing over time at weekends then you get the equality most women deserve at home.

Just sit down with him and work out what is fair, e.g. yo umay want every Saturday afternoon off whilst he looks after the child and that kind of thing.

i'm just pregnant with first. i was very concerned with the prospect of loosing my identity, my career, my life with having to be with a child everyday. i'm already feeling a little jaded because of food and drink restrictions and that i haven't the stamina to go out all night. DH works long hours and next spring will be even busier as we are set to open a restaurant and gallery. we've talked extensively about this topic already... that i will simply become a mother and loose all sense of myself. you see it all the time. i have realized though that most mothers tend to become obsessive when it comes to LO's and wanting things done their way which is why they can't seem to let go for a few hours in order to spend time with themselves. it is so important to have that time, to remember you come first to you. if you can't give to yourself you can't give to others. if you don't, i think it would become as a poster said, that your DH will begin to look at you as a mother/wife/maid/sex kitten.

i'm due in january and have already made plans with girlfriends yearly ladies weekend away in february.

don't let these feelings fester as they'll just get worse. voice your concerns with DH and be honest and open. he'll understand because he probably feels the same way... he works all week and then his evenings and weekends are homebound and baby centered.

Chefswife........ I just feel i have to disagree with your comment "it's so important to remember you come first to you"

My thoughts are that when you knowingly bring a child into this world that their needs become THE most important thing and yours have to take a seriously back seat.

I'm also shocked that you could possibly make plans for yourself to go away and leave such a small baby, whether it's with daddy or not.

Oh well, different strokes for different folks i suppose.

I tihnk the ideal though Xenia for some mothers , like me when ds was 5 and under, is that you stay home AND have an equal relationship. It can be done. It's about appreciating what the other does...and some men really can appreciate that A) looking after a pre-schooler or two is BLOODY hard and B) that they have a responsibility to their children, to look after them when they're home

It isn't so stark as stay home = unappreciated, or work = equal with man. In fact for many women who don't earn enough to pay for any domestic help, all it does is put them in the position of having to do the work AND the home AND the childcare. It's not work that makes an equal relationship; not only work, anyway. It's communication.

Well put Honoria.
I've just left work after dd1 and plan to stay at home for a least a coulple of years. Dh works away for 8 weeks and comes home for 2. He totally gets how hard it is for me when he's away and when he comes home he completely takes over for the 2 weeks and it's like i'm on holiday! Complete equality because of love and respect.

OOps, i meant dd2

Xenia - most mums with under 5's work?! Is this an actual statistic? i would say a lot of women with small children and especially more than one don't work outside the home - anyway I think Kaedsmum you are doing fine - first baby is always a huge shock and takes time to get used to and get easier. Don't beat yourself up about it though you will find things easier and gradually get a balance back.
chefswife - oh that does make me smile and i hope you do get to go away with your friends but NOTHING can prepare you for those first few weeks / months of first baby - sounds like you will be busy enough with work without feeling under pressure to retain the life you had before children - yes it may come back at some point but certainly not after a month - unless you have an army of nannies/ personal trainers/ housekeepers etc. Give yourself a break too - you will change and once your baby is born some things just aren't as important as they used to be . Good luck with rest of preg

I really don't understand this loss of identity thing and never have.

Pre dc I was me, after dc I am still me, but my dc are part of me, so I feel my identity has been extended rather than lost

kaedsmum - My baby is the same age and I am going through the same feelings. I just feel that my life has changed completely and my husband just carries on as normal and has made no sacrifices! Although I do encourage him to go out with his friends.

I think we are both getting the stage of needing to let go of our babies a little bit and be apart from them but not quite ready!! My thoughts are that in a few months, if not weeks I'll be ready to let go and will have my own space.

'identity has been extended rather than lost'

that's it exactly, fizz. I like that way of putting it.

Fizzbuzz... maybe it's the 3 glasses of wine i've had, but your post made me fill up!! What an absolutely perfect way of describing it. Well put.

chefswife, you actually may feel differently about that once you actually have the baby. I went from being very indignant at my boss asking if I planned to return to work
( "Of course I'm returning to work why wouldn't I?) to being a bawling, quivering wreck at the idea of leaving my LO.
("He thinks I'm always going to be there for him and I'm not" cue floods of tears.)
Not saying you shouldn't go on that weekend, btw but once the LO is in your arms, you may not actually be so keen!