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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop DP having any of his own time?

120 replies

Kaedsmum · 08/08/2008 19:26

It's a horrible way to think, but we have a 3 and a half month old baby and he works 40 hours a week. He spends the rest of his time with us as he's a family man. We go off and do things together, days out, visit people. However, we have very limited money.

He's started a football team up at his work and expects to go and play with them but it infuriates me because I NEVER get any time to myself. he works 5 days a week and the other two days we look after the baby together. but say he was to nip out to see a friend, family, go to the pub, even go to the shop, he can just go and do it. I can't. if I even want to go to the shop I'd have to think about where caters for babies, I'd have to put the car seat in the car which is a faff, or take the pram which means I can't push a shopping trolley, do everything around feeds and poops and alsorts.

But he can just go and do whatever.

Yes he works hard and I shouldn't begrudge him time on his own, but I can never just scoot off on my own.

Do you know what I mean?

yes i am unreasonable but surely someone can sympathise?

OP posts:
AreyoutherecodItsmeMargaret · 08/08/2008 19:44

YABU. Life is a faff with a baby....get baby inpra and go watch him play footie. Got to pub afterwards. Have a ngith ut with ure ates another time.

hotbot · 08/08/2008 19:44

i kow where you are coming form with the guilt thin, it does dscrease with tiredness and the babys' age btw
you are both in early days yet ,i will say again - it does get better -yeas a swim is a fab idea go for it.

Original poster
Kaedsmum · 08/08/2008 19:45

I'm going to talk to him tonight. There's no point either of us feeling trapped when we could just have a bit of time to ourselves each week.

This thread has been so valuable to me, it's given me a whole other perspective.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 08/08/2008 19:47

i onlyn say resentful as that is what i started to do not saying you are but i became very resentful as i made the choice not to do things not him

but once we spoke about it i was able to see the resentment as i felt i had to this that and the other all thetime as he worked hard and didnt value that as a mum i was also working just as hard and he realised that and here we are today we have opwn space and get on better for it

bubblagirl · 08/08/2008 19:48

sorry not spelling good at all tonight time for bed i think

lardybump · 08/08/2008 19:49

I have recently gone back to work after having dd but luckily I am now working from home. Because of this dp has dd 28 hours a week when I am working and the bond between them has grown so much. She only ever wanted me before but now she also goes to daddy... they love the time they have together.

It would be such a good thing if your dp could have some alone time with your ds so that they can grow closer together....

Overmydeadbody · 08/08/2008 19:50

yab completely U.

Of course you can go out in the evenings on your own too, why on earth couldn't you?

Original poster
Kaedsmum · 08/08/2008 19:52

For the reasons I said before- about him getting in late and being too tired to look after the baby, and he's never had baby on his own before, and me having the baby 24/7 etc etc

OP posts:
elkiedee · 08/08/2008 19:56

It sounds like a good plan that you both arrange to have a few times when you give each other a break. Don't feel guilty because he's going out of the house to work and you're not. Going out to work isn't as intense as being alone with a new baby, I don't think - amd dp acknowledged that at the time. Bet he finds it easier to have a break for a hot drink or some food.

lardybump · 08/08/2008 19:58

elkiedee what is a hot drink??? Havent had one of those since dd was born 16 months ago

OrmIrian · 08/08/2008 20:03

You are I'm afraid. We all need some time to ourselves. Rather than denying him, take some for yourself.

pointydog · 08/08/2008 20:05

Quick! Before the baby gets any older, make sure that dh is used to looking after the baby on his own. If you're bottle feeding there shoulnd't be any excuses whatsoever.

Overmydeadbody · 08/08/2008 20:16

well if he's never had the baby on his own before it's about time he learnt.

You cannot be a martyr and refuse to ever leave your baby without you but at the same time stop him going out and doing things in his spare time.

I hope you get to have some time to yourself sooon!

ShyBaby · 08/08/2008 20:26

Get some time for yourself. He can manage for one night. Its not that hard!

noonki · 08/08/2008 20:38

I rememeber screaming at my DH - you never told me I would have to do EVERYTHING!

(DS1 was his second child!) ....

you both need to go out, together and on your own, get him used to looking after the baby on his own. On the two days off he has with you, leave all the baby stuff to him (except bf if you are as that is a bit beyond any man!)

but is it early days still

pudding25 · 08/08/2008 22:05

My DD is nearly 13 wks. You need to get him spending time with the baby alone. I bet he will love it. I am lucky as DH is a journalist and starts between 2 and 4pm so he is always around in the morning. I get him up around 9.45am and although I am BF, he gives her a bottle and spends time with her. I often go out, just even to the supermarket, sometimes to gym (not enough though!), back to bed or sit on PC . DH loves spending time with DD and I feel confident that I could easily leave her with him.

It is harder for you as your DH is not around until the evenings but at the weekend, he can spend time with her and give you some free time. It is much easier too if you are bottle feeding. Also, can someone look after your baby, even for an hr, so that you can get out together, just the two of you (although we have only managed that once - too tired most of the time to want to go out in evening!).

I am sure that your DH would love some time alone with your baby and remember, looking after a baby relentlessly is so tiring!!!

bozza · 08/08/2008 22:11

kaedsmum you are being incredibly reasonable on this thread. I would let DH start doing his football thing and maybe start going swimming and build up from there. Swimming would probably only have you out of the house 1.5 hours. It sounds like you are not breastfeeding so no expressing issues so DH should be fine.

Work on it now before you doing everything gets too set in stone.

scarymamma · 09/08/2008 07:36

Kaedsmum - if it's any consolation I felt and still do feel exactly like you. I can sympathise TOTALLY. It sounds like you feel that you've made all the sacrifices and he's made none. Having a baby has totally affected your life but he can continue as if nothing happened. Before the baby came how did you spend your free time? Did you do everything together or did you both have things that you did without each other? The problem is (as has been shown by a lot of the posts here)most people think that for a relationship to be 'healthy' each partner should have a seperate interest and spend time apart (other than work) irregardless of whether this is the norm for you. Because of this 'expectation' you are made to feel guilty about resenting him having time to himself. If you didn't have seperate interests before then why should you suddenly develop them now. You need to talk to DP about it. But the issue with the guilt will still be there. But the resentment will just build if you don't talk about it. My OH half has just started going to the football every Sat with his Dad and our 2 kids. Everyone keeps saying 'aren't you lucky a whole Sat pm to yourself'. NO - before we used to spend Sat afternoon together as a family, going for a walk or going to the pictures. I hate being left on my own. If that makes me sad I don't care.

CapricaSix · 09/08/2008 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittywise · 09/08/2008 08:23

yabu. One baby is not hard to look after.

I think it's a crazy idea that you should both suffer.

Why should he not go out just because you can't? That's such a selfish way of being. Is your thinking that he has to suffer because you are? How would you like it if he thought that way about you? Like it or not YOU are the mother and when babies are small they need their mother.

Stop moaning and feeling so sorry for yourself and let the poor man go out

Original poster
Kaedsmum · 09/08/2008 09:47

DP came home last night, cleaned up (I'd been too busy doing my PGCE work), bathed, changed, fed baby, and then made time to cuddle up with me. We chatted about the whole thing and we're all sorted now. We're going to have time to ourselves seperate, time as a family, and go out together once every two weeks. We're also going to put baby to bed earlier on weekends so that we have the evening together.

Baby is a total daddy's boy anyway so he loves being with his daddy. And he is a very good dad. it's just that being a new mum is a bit all-consuming some times. Especially when tired!

I don't think it's fair to say that it's not hard looking after a baby. It's different for different people and it's bloody hard work when trying to complete a years worth of PGCE work at the same time, trust me.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 09/08/2008 09:54

Oh, babies are bloody hard work, they really are. And at this point with DD1 I was going truly barking.

But you do need some time for you!

kittywise · 09/08/2008 10:04

I agree about the pgce and baby work. When I was doing my pgce a friend of mine on my course had just had a baby AND her husband had left her for a woman who used to be a lesbian .
Glad you have sorted things out though

CapricaSix · 09/08/2008 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieJay · 09/08/2008 10:32

(haven't read all the posts)

YABU.

Having a young baby is very hard work.

It sounds like he's willing to do his share of the childcare. You should agree to him take your lo so you can go off on your own and have some alone time.

If you choose not to do that, then you can't stop him having a life.

Being parents shouldn't mean that both your lives just stop.