to stop DP having any of his own time?

[Kaedsmum]

It's a horrible way to think, but we have a 3 and a half month old baby and he works 40 hours a week. He spends the rest of his time with us as he's a family man. We go off and do things together, days out, visit people. However, we have very limited money.

He's started a football team up at his work and expects to go and play with them but it infuriates me because I NEVER get any time to myself. he works 5 days a week and the other two days we look after the baby together. but say he was to nip out to see a friend, family, go to the pub, even go to the shop, he can just go and do it. I can't. if I even want to go to the shop I'd have to think about where caters for babies, I'd have to put the car seat in the car which is a faff, or take the pram which means I can't push a shopping trolley, do everything around feeds and poops and alsorts.

But he can just go and do whatever.

Yes he works hard and I shouldn't begrudge him time on his own, but I can never just scoot off on my own.

Do you know what I mean?

yes i am unreasonable but surely someone can sympathise?

barnsley you have made me - Have no wine in fridge and could murder a glass right now.....

Extended identity a bit ragged today, dd has been hard work.

I'm very happy that you liked it, thank you very much..

Honoria...... Just finishing bottle Can you get your dh to call round Barnsley way with another for me

sorry, little bit out of the way for us barnsley

can't you dig out the cooking sherry?

lol at Chefswife planning girlie w/end 4 wks after baby arrives.

moondog... I know!! This lady is in for one biiiiig shock to the system me thinks!

Yes, most mothers of under 5s work, probably not full time all of them but more work than don't.

chefswife why on earth are you giving up work then? Loads of women have a baby and get back to work as before precisely because staying home has all the downsides you described. I don't understand why anyone would therefore stay home. Most people won't choose to go back in a few weeks as I did although I think that is often a very good plan and worked well for us but why these very sexist assumptions that women will give up work? Why do woemn do it and why do they like it and if they don't like it why don't they work and make their husbands stay home or get their husbands to arrange childcare?

Tbh, Xenia, it is almost the opposite in my case! Everybody expected that I would return to work, my dh, my parents, colleagues. And to this day, I feel pressurised into working when a large part of me wants to stay at home. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I work and I do think I can give my children things we would struggle to afford on dh's salary alone and after they are all raised and gone, I will still have my career but there is a huge part of me that feels guilty when I leave the children with carers and I know dh doesn't feel the same guilt.

I think a lot of it is hormonal or inbuilt in some way. There was a monumental difference in the way I felt before ds1 was born and after he was born. Nothing prepared me for the unconditional love and nothing prepared me for the guilt I felt at working. It had to be some basic mothering instinct because it was light years from the sensible part of me that had done the maths and figured that WOTH was the best option.

chipmonkey, you are very sensible to work out the practicalities of SAHM v WOHM.

I have to say that I have never really felt any guilt at going back to work when each dc was about 1 - I guess my hormones or mothering instinct was not my strong suit.

Having spent one year on maternity leave with dcs practising attachment parenting and bf-ing and disrupted co-sleeping, I only felt a sense of immense relief that I was reclaiming my 'me time' by going by to work, leaving my dcs settled in nursery.

Many mothers talk about guilt. I find guilt to be an alien emotion to me.

I was raised Catholic, though!

barnsleybelle why can a mother not be around for a couple of days with a one month old. isn't that just typical mentality that a baby can only be looked after by its mother. what if i had to be hospitalized or died. is it because what i want to do is to go away myself and that is deemed selfish. i am perfectly comfortable that my DH can handle the baby confidently on his own as is he. i understand that my child interests are a concern but they will be equal to mine, my husbands and our business'. my friend went back to work within a month both times after her children were born because she makes twice the amount of money as her DH did. it only made sense financially. he is a stay at home dad and the boys are 3 and 5 now and are completely fine.
when you loose site of yourself, you loose. simple. you see it with mothers when the children are grown and gone. they discover they have no identity, interests or common ground with their DH because they have put to much of their life's emphasis on their children and none for themselves. it stems from guilt of being a mother and being considered selfish. not all the time and not all mothers, but a lot of the time and many woman. you need time to nurture all your relationships. you need time to yourself as much as you and your DH need time for just each other

xenia i didn't say that i was giving up work but that i was afraid that it may happen. i am an visual artist and exhibit around the world therefore i was worried that this was going to have to change after having the baby. however, DH is very supportive and understands how important it is for me to maintain my profession. as well as i understand his needs for his profession. we work as a team and for ourselves and therefore don't get maternity leave.

i'm not knocking anyone that wants to stay home with their babies, but i do think it is important to maintain moments for yourself, for other relationships that don't include your child, particularly with your DH/DP. resentment can manifest itself in other characteristics or behaviours. the common one i've seen, and on this thread as well, is that DH/DP's continue on with their life as if nothing has changed. that is embitterment.

barnsleybelle why can a mother not be around for a couple of days with a one month old. isn't that just typical mentality that a baby can only be looked after by its mother. what if i had to be hospitalized or died. is it because what i want to do is to go away myself and that is deemed selfish. i am perfectly comfortable that my DH can handle the baby confidently on his own as is he. i understand that my child interests are a concern but they will be equal to mine, my husbands and our business'. my friend went back to work within a month both times after her children were born because she makes twice the amount of money as her DH did. it only made sense financially. he is a stay at home dad and the boys are 3 and 5 now and are completely fine.
when you loose site of yourself, you loose. simple. you see it with mothers when the children are grown and gone. they discover they have no identity, interests or common ground with their DH because they have put to much of their life's emphasis on their children and none for themselves. it stems from guilt of being a mother and being considered selfish. not all the time and not all mothers, but a lot of the time and many woman. you need time to nurture all your relationships. you need time to yourself as much as you and your DH need time for just each other

xenia i didn't say that i was giving up work but that i was afraid that it may happen. i am an visual artist and exhibit around the world therefore i was worried that this was going to have to change after having the baby. however, DH is very supportive and understands how important it is for me to maintain my profession. as well as i understand his needs for his profession. we work as a team and for ourselves and therefore don't get maternity leave.

i'm not knocking anyone that wants to stay home with their babies, but i do think it is important to maintain moments for yourself, for other relationships that don't include your child, particularly with your DH/DP. resentment can manifest itself in other characteristics or behaviours. the common one i've seen, and on this thread as well, is that DH/DP's continue on with their life as if nothing has changed. that is embitterment.

I agree, chefswife. I went back after 2 - 4 weeks with each baby (and earned more than their father although that wasn't the only reason) and apart from with the first 3 expressing milk at work being a nuisance it worked fine and those 3 are all at university now. After 6 weeks pay drops from 90% to £112 a week so not affordable for people who are the main earner with mortgages and once you have one child child care to pay for which you cannot suddenly stop for the older child whilst you're off or you lose the place or the person/childminder/nanny. In the days when I had the children I didn't get maternity rights as each child was born with a new employer adn you needed 2 years' service to build them up and then with the twins I worked for myself so got nothing but it didn't matter and in fact in a sense the lack of them made it more likely I would continue to work hard and 24 years on what massive gains this family has had because O continued to work but financially and in terms of how much I enjoy the work and the seamless uninterrupted career over those 24 years.

My mother worked fro 13 years before she had me and my siblings and although she liked use as under 5s she did seem hugely to resent it, the boredom of her life when she was so clever, she'd moan about just having done 5 loads of washing that morning whereas my father had been treated like a God (as a psychiatrist) and she was very very clever, very wasted at home. No one stopped her returning to teaching but she didn't. I think she'd have been happier returning to work. We woudl have preferred that to her martrydom.

chefswife... I think in all honesty it's difficult to talk about what it's like to be a mother until that actually comes.

Everyone is different and have different priorities. Mine are my children. My dh and i are extremely close and have a very loving relationship but our children most definatley come hugely before our needs.

To compare a trip away made out of choice to that of a death or hospital admission is totally off track.

Personally it is something in those early days i could never contemplate and it is a discussion board after all. For a start, i think i would have struggled to express a weekends worth of milk!!!

Different strokes for different folks i suppose.

I hope your pregnancy goes well and good luck with your new arrival.

I am sure all working fathers and working mothers who have business meetings also have their child as first priority and we would never suggest a man wasn't outting a child first because he was back at work after 2 weeks but goodness knows how many women on here think it's morally and psychologically wrong that I was commuting back to the city at 2 weeks out of choice ,because I like my work and not because I "needed" to work.

But I agree - I needed physically and loved breastfeeding every few hours. Even at night after 3 or 4 hours I would be very unsettled if the baby hadn't fed because I needed it as much as they did and that actually is quite a lovely feeling when you have a little baby and even though my youngest is now 24 and my height I still remember those nights with her up against me feeding in the dark, very special time, whether you're a working mother or a stay at home mother.

I think people are missing the point, as i am too a working mother so so. My dh works away for 8 weeks at a time, during which time i stay at home. He is then home for 2-3 weeks in which i work a few days for 2 reasons. 1, because i enjoy it and 2, to maintain my registration.

I left my regular job after the birth of dc2 because i wanted to. I accept i am lucky to be in a position where this is an option, and i am also lucky that i feel i get the best of both worlds. My children are always with a parent, i only work around 8 days every 2 months.

I think mothers should support and praise each others decision over the work/home issue. All too often, the ones who stay at home are judged as poor secondaries who really do want to be at work, and working mums are crticised for not being at home.

Most mums who stay at home do it because they want to, and the same is said about those who work.
neither is better than the other if it's that persons choice then goo on em.

The mums who i sympathise with are the ones who are either stuck at home or work when it's not what they would prefer to do.

chefswife you haven't got a clue, stop pretending you have

I've got to say, my DS almost died a few days after he was born. No one saw it coming as he was a lovely healthy baby. As a result I became VERY clingy with him and when he was 4 weeks old I wouldn't have had him out of my sight. He's over three months old and I couldn't go away for a weekend without him. Me and |DP did go away for one night on our anniversary last week but I rang to check on him A LOT and wouldn't make a habit of it. I'd never have thought I'd've felt this way, but I do.

But that was just capirica's experience. Yes I was still bleeding at 2 weeks when I went back to work (and until 6 weeks ) but it was no different from a period. It did not stop me sitting at a desk. Indeed I got more rest at a desk than hauling a baby around the house.
I wore breast pads which dealt with leaking milk and expressed every few hours. It was fine and the baby has the advantage of bonding with her father and nanny who stayed 10 years rather htan just yused to the mother and then suddenly wrenched from the mother after a year which is muchy much more traumatic.

xenia it should be noted that your experience and attitude is very different to that of most women.

It should not be taken as 'the norm'. So even though capricia's is experience IS different to yours and uniquely Her experience it is still far closer to the norm than yours iyswim.

The norm around the planet is women get up and get on with things because most of us have a load of other children to care for so we're back into either work at home - minding the 2 and 3 year old plus the baby or else we're tilling the fields or we're sitting in some office being waited on hand and foot. In all cultures where women can hire care and have the money at that level in society they tend to do so and get some "free" time away from their child. We even had wet nursing in the UK although sending a baby away for 5 years is not something I could contemplate.