Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Another MIL rant - my MIL's arttitude towards me needs to be curbed

36 replies

Gateau · 06/08/2008 09:02

I was out of the country visiting my family last weekend and my DH told me on the phone that he had asked his mother to buy us a rug; she was at an auction.
She saw one, phoned my DH about it, described it - and he went for it, without seeing it.
I came home to see the rug - and it is HIDEOUS. The flea-ridden thing is huge and it clashes with everything in our room. And it looks filthy.
my MIL came round last night and I told her really nicely and most diplomatically that it was a really nice thought (she offered to buy it for us- not that dear) but it clashes with everything else. To which she replied in her bolshiest tone, and loudly:
"Well, I disagree with you." She said that twice and you should have seen her face. It was like thunder.
Then she was funny with me all night after that.
FFS. I KNOW I haven;t done anything wrong. I didn;t even ask her to buy the fecking thing!!!??
This is about the third time she has had an attitude with me recently (She is quite aggressive) and it really upsets me. I have bitten my lip so as not to upset the apple-cart but I don;t think I can do this any more. I have told my DH I don;t deserve to be spoken to like that and he says he will have a word with her.
Am just worried this is all going to blow up into world war three, but I do think something needs to be said or I will really lose my rag with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gateau · 06/08/2008 09:03

Sorry; ATTITUDE

OP posts:

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 06/08/2008 09:05

Put it in the garage.

frootloop · 06/08/2008 09:06

chuck it on the bonfire.

BouncingTurtle · 06/08/2008 09:07

I think tbh your problem is with your DH rather than your MIL. From her point of view she has given you a gift, and you have rejected it, so she probably thinks you are ungrateful.
Your DH was a bit daft asking her to buy a rug at an auction without seeing it first, I would have gone mental if my DH had done this!

Original poster

Gateau · 06/08/2008 09:07

I think we're going to take it back to her. Her firend said at the auction said that she would take it if I didn;t like it. So I can;t really see the problem.
It's her ATTITUDE that upsets me. As I said, it seems that it's any opportunity to have a go at me.

OP posts:

Sexonlegs · 06/08/2008 09:08

Get your dh to deal with it; he asked her to buy it; she's his mother!

Give it to charity.

My mil bought me a t-shirt for by b.day. Nice thought, but it was hideous. I just said thanks and put it straight in the charity bag.

milknosugar · 06/08/2008 09:09

ime the way to deal with mils is to do to them as they do to you. xmil was passive aggressive, do it back and it neutralizes whatever she is trying to do. mil now is ok, but is very assertive. be assertive back and everything is fine, its what she expects of other people aswell.

dont look at her face, listen to what she is saying. she is assertive, be assertive back. she disagrees, ok you will agree to disagree. would she like it back, its your home so you get to choose. dh shouldnt have asked her to get it without seeing it, its his fault so i dont see why you two should argue. she thought she was doing you a favour, she feels it is not appreciated and you question her taste in rugs. you are annoyed because you feel she is bullying you. sod the apple cart, stand up for yourself.

Original poster

Gateau · 06/08/2008 09:09

You're right Turtle. I have already told DH it's his fault, and he now agrees.
I know he was only trying to do a good thing - but it backfired.

OP posts:

BouncingTurtle · 06/08/2008 09:23

Well that's men for you... whatever would they do without us

colacubes · 06/08/2008 09:31

MIL drama has the tendency to become major family drama, just tell dh to let his mum , Number 1 do not speak to my wife like that again, and 2 sorry mum I cocked up I don't like it, its going.

Original poster

Gateau · 06/08/2008 09:45

Thanks cola. The last thing I want is a family drama. I hate them.

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 06/08/2008 09:46

Agree. You were set up. DH shouldn't have asked her to buy it without seeing it. And if you don't like it DH needed to deliver the blow. She thinks it's just you and she went to the trouble of getting it. It shouldn't have come from you. I can see how she can be offended if she is of that stock. I wont deliver any negative blows to my MIL, not overtly anyway

rebelmum1 · 06/08/2008 09:48

You need to think 'drama prevention' in future.

Original poster

Gateau · 06/08/2008 09:54

Forgot to mention, DH delivered the blow on the phone earlier yesterday. And then when she came round, I had to say something because she was going on about how nice it was.

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 06/08/2008 10:54

ah I see, best not ask her to buy you anything in future or you should have said, 'yes I know it's nice and I haven't the foggiest why he doesn't like it ...'

Carmenere · 06/08/2008 11:03

In all honesty, I would've said, 'oh yes it is LOVELY, thank you so much' and then put it in the garage. You know, just like any other unwanted gift? Why did you feel the need to tell her you didn't like it? I think it was a bit un-necessary and hurtful. Perhaps it is your attitude towards you mil that needs adjusting.
If she asked where it was next time tell her it is at the cleaners and if she asked again, then tell her that it had a rare termite infection and the cleaners had to destroy it.
A bit of social lubrication goes a long way with mil's I find

Original poster

Gateau · 06/08/2008 12:23

SO everytime she comes (once a week) the rug is in the cleaners??! Not very realistic.
I didn't tell her I didn't like it; I told her it clashed with the main features in my lounge.
You call it social lubrication; I call it lying. I prefer to be honest.

OP posts:

DaphneMoon · 06/08/2008 12:34

Only put it in your lounge once a week! Roll it up and stick it in the garage the rest of the time. Eventually you may redecorate and get a different one which would be perfectly acceptable.

Carmenere · 06/08/2008 12:35

Ok you be honest, I'll be a pleasant dil

moondog · 06/08/2008 12:36

Just get rid.

BouncingTurtle · 06/08/2008 12:36

Actually I'm with Gateau - I tend to be honest rather than diplomatic... then usually end up kicking myself...

Walnutshell · 06/08/2008 12:36

No, I agree with Gateau, that's far too much hassle. DH needs to explain that he thought it was very generous of her but it's not suitable. Try and deal with her outbursts with humour where possible!

Walnutshell · 06/08/2008 12:37

you can be both pleasant and assertive

Carmenere · 06/08/2008 12:41

OFGS the woman is hardly being poisonously toxic. Just a few well thought out lies will sort it out without putting dh in a difficult situation and causing offence and upset. The most likely result is that she will silently think that you are ungrateful and not buy you anything again, which is the desired result, no?
Imo mil's need to be managed because they are the MOTHER of your loved one. Mine is a PIA but I can't be bothered to offend her, life is too short and dp loves her and would hate us to be at odds. It doesn't cost anything to be pleasant fr the sake of good relations even if you are being a bit insincere.

Original poster

Gateau · 06/08/2008 12:45

i think she just dislikes me - and just loves the opportunity to have a go. She is just so bolshy at times, usually about nothing important or things that are nothing to do with her.
A few months ago, she shouted "that's rubbish" at me when I explained my reasons for our decisions about our DS's future education.
DH says he will have a word with her about her bolshiness towards me.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2