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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by FIL's comment or have I mis understood it?

49 replies

waitinonasunnyday · 05/08/2008 11:30

We are at the IL's at the moment with our 2 children 5 and 7.
Obviously the children are excited as are on holiday and the IL's have quite a large house and garden so they are having great fun.

Anyhow mealtimes they have got a bit excitable and they have wanted to stay up longer at bedtime but the IL's feel they should be in bed at a certain time.

Also they have been eating quite a bit and MIL is very strict about eating bewtween meals and they are not allowed to help themselves to food in the cupboard .
So that has been a bit stressful as they are whining because they are hungry .

DH's 2 brothers and there children are due to visit after we have left and I always get the impression they are the golden grand children and model sons and daughter in laws.

I have been helping out in the garden and cooking etc .

They had visitors for dinner on sunday and the children and DH left the table and I went to fetch something, on my way back I heard MIL at the table saying how tired she was and how would she feel by the the end of the month after her other sons and grandchildren had visited.

FIL then said "well that's ok ,there's a different score of people coming"

In other words I took that to mean the other grandchildren are better behaved and the other sons and daughter in laws help out more.

Am I being totally over sensitive about this?

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 05/08/2008 11:31

I would take it as 'a change is as good as a rest' and nothing more.

NigellaTheOriginal · 05/08/2008 11:36

think i'd encourage the DCs to live fully to his expectations and trash the house, help themselves to the fridge, run, scream and argue while you lie back on the sofa asking for regular cups of tea.

CoolYourJets · 05/08/2008 11:36

Agree with Armadillo.

Can't you take them out for a walk/buy a snack when out?

More outings required maybe? Sounds like they are finding it more exhausting than they thought tbh.

TenaciousG · 05/08/2008 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuckooClockWorkShy · 05/08/2008 11:37

Well, if they invited you over they'd hardly expect you to do everything, and then whinge if you just enjoyed your lunch.

STrange comment. If you know that you ARE helpful, then I think Armadillo is right.

FranSanDisco · 05/08/2008 11:38

Only you know how to take it tbh. Are you a paranoid type? If not then I would have thought it a snide remark. My MIL makes these comments and she actually does nothing when we visit. I cook for us all and we go out for the day and see her when we get back. She's never up before we leave so we see her for 2 hours max in the evening. Also if your children are hungry I would feed them and ignore the comments about eating between meals. Children can snack on fruit. If they are used to having snacks why change your habits?

ProfYaffle · 05/08/2008 11:40

I have 'food issues' with my mil too, I always have boxes of rice cakes, oatcakes and breadsticks in my luggage to slip to the dc's when needed. We also disguise cafe visits as bracing walks on the beach.

Upwind · 05/08/2008 11:40

you can choose to interpret it in the worst possible way - that is how grudges are formed

or just give the benefit of the doubt and use Armadillo's interpretation

and try and help your MIL as much as possible and take them on days out or even out for a meal

FranSanDisco · 05/08/2008 11:45

You know I hate these type of visits. I woudl prefer to stay in a B&B but it is expected we stay with MIL. Then she moans she is tired and reminds us she can't do much. We keep the children quiet and out all day in the rain (she lives in Scotland). Last year I had to buy a coat, in August!. We're doing it again in 2 weeks. It may be my last as it's not a holiday in the correct sense of the word

moondog · 05/08/2008 11:46

Howlong are you with them in total?

Original poster
waitinonasunnyday · 05/08/2008 11:47

I think that FIL was being rude as to me it is obvious he favours the other sons and there wives and children.

I cooked a meal yesterday and was so worried as MIL is a great cook and the first thing FIL said once he had tastd it was was "needs more salt"
He could have just put more salt on without making the comment.
They are food snobs and so my homemade cottage pie was probably beneath them.

It's just that MIL is looking at every mealtime how much food they are taking and putting on there plate and commenting
"oh don't eat all those they are grandpas"

If they leave a few potatoes she frys them up the next day for their lunch but thinks nothing of paying £20 for a bottle of olive oil for her spanish DIL who is coming to visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitinonasunnyday · 05/08/2008 11:52

We have been here since friday and leave tomorrow so near the end now.

I just feel on eggshells all the time and the children are meant to be on their holidays .

We have lunch at 12.30 and then the IL's have drinks at 6pm and dinner for 7-7.30 so the children arestarving by then.

She even limits the amount of drinks and they are not allowed to help themselves.

FIL also has this annoying habit of calling me a sil;ly mum in front of the DC's if I do anything wrong and he says it in such a concending way.

Of course DH thinks I am being silly and FILcan say what he wants in his own houseand I have mis interruprated it.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 05/08/2008 11:53

Sounds like you need to limit your visits to a couple of days.

Don't take it to heart, try to get out as much as you can with the DCs so that they are tired and go to bed without any bother.

If you feel that they need something between meals then give it to them, my DCs are allowed lots of fruit between meals.

moondog · 05/08/2008 11:53

Next time i wouldlimit stay to twodays and/or rent somewhere nearby.

MmeLindt · 05/08/2008 11:54

And I would be more forceful about the amount they are allowed to drink. That is NOT your MILs decision to make, it is yours.

lazaroulovesleggings · 05/08/2008 11:55

I would have packed up and left, and I wouldn't go back again.
What rude, intolerant people. To say the children can't have food or drink is barmy beyond words. Leave now!

Upwind · 05/08/2008 11:55

IME visits to PIL are best kept to two nights max. That doesn't sound like a holiday.

thefortbuilder · 05/08/2008 11:56

i think just grin and bear it tbh. my fil is a bit like this - doesn't lift a finger when he comes to stay even when i was pg with ds2 and douses all my cooking in hot chilli sauce - yet doesn't do it to anyone elses....

i just ignore him and as you are leaving tomorrow i would suggest trying to rise above it.

poor dc's having to wait till 7-730 for dinner - ds1 would be gnawing his arm off by then!

Kewcumber · 05/08/2008 11:59

buy your own snacks and drinks in future and hand them out when you think DC's want/need them. Develop a sking as thick as your FIL's. Say at the end of the visit (very sweetly) "I get the impression that you are getting to old to cope with having us to stay for so long, shall we just make it a couple of days next year?"

TheProvincialLady · 05/08/2008 12:08

You must stand up to them on the issue of food. You can't just watch them being ravenous and thirsty and having the amount of food they want to eat at mealtimes restricted. It doesn't matter what you IL rules are and what time they like to have drinks and eat their dinner, your children need to be properly fed and watered. You need to ensure that they have a good supply of snacks that you are in control of, and constant access to water.

They sound pretty foul TBH. I would definitely keep visits to a minimum and if they complain you can explain why.

nametaken · 05/08/2008 12:16

Just keep a supply of your own drinks and snacks for the kids.

Or do what I do and let dh take the kids to his mums for a week while I stay here and have a real holiday

LazyLinePainterJane · 05/08/2008 12:23

well, regardless of the comment you overheard, their attitude to your children's eating habits is ridiculous! I wouldn't take it, you have to stand up to them and get drink and food for them yourself! DS is awful if he gets hungry and it's not fair!

cornsilk · 05/08/2008 12:25

God they sound awful. Go out and buy a load of fruitshoots just to see their faces.

BroccoliSpears · 05/08/2008 12:25

I think that people without young children do loose track of how often they eat. Perhaps it's a generational thing. I wouldn't go to stay anywhere with my DCs without taking food. I just sort of add what we've taken to the weekend though - take lots of fruit and leave it in the kitchen for anyone to eat, so I don't feel worried about dd helping herself to a banana, that sort of thing. I've even taken eggs or a tin of beans so if the people we're staying with are doing supper a bit late I can do beans on toast at 5.30ish for dd.

TenaciousG · 05/08/2008 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.