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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out and upset by this?

112 replies

Janos · 20/07/2008 18:33

Sorry, it's about porn again. Yawn, yawn, yawn I know.

But I could really with some perspective here.

Porn doesn't generally bother me, I have no problem with it and have used occaisionally. I know some folk don't and have strong views otherwise. Just acknowledging that and asking not to have a go at me, please!

Anyway have watched it sometimes with my partner, I enjoyed it.

But last night he was up for a while looking at stuff, don't know what - I feel straight to sleep. So I teased him about it this morning and told me the titles of some stuff.
Well it was things about women being 'forced' to do stuff and 'taken advantage of'. Now to me - sorry to be blunt - that is basically euphemism for rape/assault. I feel angry and upset with him, because he knows this happened to mee and how it made me feel.

What's worse is he doesn't get why it has upset me. he says he wouldn't do it, I know he wouldn't, that's not the point.

I feel hurt and if I'm being honest quite angry.

AIBU? You may think yes but please be gentle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 23:00

Thank you all for listening and supportive comments. Off to try and sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 23:01

Nom just me unfortunately, PP. No-one who can come round (too far away). Just going to try and get some sleep. Thanks though.

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Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 23:04

I wish he never told me. I wish I had never known.

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Original poster
Janos · 21/07/2008 08:15

Seizing the chance to post here before DS wakes up.

Talked last night with P, just as I was going to bed. I think (hope) we can talk through this one. The word 'sorry' was used a lot.

I do believe he didn't go looking for this horrible stuff and it was a case of 'curiousity killed the cat' kind of thing.

Still very troubled by the horrible words and images though.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 21/07/2008 09:46

janos i hope you feel better today, now typing with tot jumping on me so cant say muc

dittany · 21/07/2008 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinkerBellesMum · 21/07/2008 10:16

But LEM, she said (IIRC) neither of them actually watched it so they don't really know what was on it. My point was more about the "it's never right" type comments.

I do think he was insensitive, please don't think I'm saying otherwise and he should understand why it would be a problem.

Original poster
Janos · 21/07/2008 10:47

That's cool LEM, thanks for replying.

he said he told me because he wanted to be honest and he said "I didn't think you would look at it, I said it was weird " Hideous would be a better word I think .

He was very apologetic and that he just didn't think. when I told him a couple of the 'titles' (it was films of stuff IYSWIM) he went very quiet and said yes that's horrible. He said he wasn't aware but obviously he was because he told me that he read the disclaimer (yes scenarios are not real, it's all actors etc).

I do feel that I got through to him how distressed and angry I was.

Honestly this stuff can only be created by and aimed at people who hate women.

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lucyellensmum · 21/07/2008 11:49

Janos, im glad you have spoken to him. Im not sure what he thought he would acheive by telling you about it tbh. Maybe it is his way of trying to understand what has happened to you - so, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it is NOT acceptable.

I don't look at porn on the internet precisely for the reason that i don't want to stumble across this sort of thing. Ewwww.

FWIW, there are people who are into bondage scenarios and Dom/Sub who don't hate women, but that really is something completely different.

Original poster
Janos · 21/07/2008 12:40

Yes, thanks for replying LEM.

It wasn't sub dom which I understand people enjoy although its not my thing. This was nasty stuff. I'm purposely not going into detail because it was foul.

Assaulting unconcious women and that sort of thing. And that is pretty mild compared to what else was on there.

Anyway, we need to talk about it. But thanks people for supportive comments and advice.

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Sim43 · 21/07/2008 12:53

I'm no prude, but all porn is wrong! Me and my DP have a great sexlife and I don't feel we need it. Most men I know think that all women should have bodies like they have in the films plus be completely hair free all of the time. Sorry I don't have time to be completely hair free all of the time. It would always bother me that my DP was imagining the woman on the porn film when we are at it! I cannot stand seeing two women together who are obviously not lesbians. It makes me LOL cause they don't kiss normally in case they mess up the overdone lip gloss! Just lick each others tongues etc. Pathetic.

madamez · 21/07/2008 14:15

Sim43 I'm afraid you are a prude. It's fine not to watch porn if you don't want to, but youre not liking it (and what you describe is only one type of porn, material designd to turn people on comes in a variety of styles with a variety of themes) doesn't make it "all wrong" nor does it make your sex life better either morally or in terms of enjoyment than that of other people.

madamez · 21/07/2008 14:20

Janos: hope you are feeling better this morning. While I think your DP should be more understanding of your distress, did he actually know how unpleasant your experiences had been? Because if he didn't, he might not have automatically been aware that you would find particular aspects of these websites very upsetting, so in his mind he doesn't actually understand what he has done wrong and is therefore getting defensive.
Also, if what you looked at was a list of film titles? clips to view? He might not have looked at all the available stuff on the particular site anyway ie not known how extreme some of it was.
There are, unfortunately, some producers of porn who do have a very unpleasant worldview and don't like women. But this is not true of all porn by a long way, and it is true of a lot of mainstream media (all those films and TV shows about rape/assault/killing prostitutes where you can always tell which minor female character is going to get killed first: it'll be the one who'se either assertive or appears to enjoy sex).

Sim43 · 21/07/2008 14:51

Well Madamez, you have your opinion and I have mine, fair enough. I just don't understand why anyone wants to watch other people having sex! Think about it in that way, don't you think it is a bit weird wanting to watch someone else do something so personal!

Original poster
Janos · 21/07/2008 14:52

Thanks madamez, I am feeling better. he didn't know how bad things were, that's not his fault. I found it very hard to even talk about - what happened to me, I mean. What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me and actually ties in with what he said.

Agree with you re: mainstream media and portrayal of women. It's awful.

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MrsTittleMouse · 21/07/2008 14:58

It sounds as though your DP acted in stupidity and is now truly sorry. I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better and that things are looking up between you.
It must have been such a dreadful shock though, so please take good care of yourself.

Original poster
Janos · 21/07/2008 15:03

It was a horrible shock MrsTittleMouse, but I'm really feeling a lot better.

He was very distressed that he had upset me so much and I believe he didn't mean to.

I'm wondering now whether he mentioned it because it disturbed him too, but that is for use to talk about together,

Anyway thank you.

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lucyellensmum · 21/07/2008 15:18

Sim, i like to watch porn while we have sex, lol i have been known to position myself so i can see the TV. DP isn't that fussed, the whole idea of me going down on him while he watches is erotic in its own sense but whenever i look up he is watching ME!! . This is "normal" porn with no images of abuse or the likes. We very rarely do this now, in fact i dont think i could find the video if i tried.

I do know what you mean about the woman and woman stuff, makes me chuckle.

Sim43 · 21/07/2008 16:41

The images I have in my mind now lucyellensmum . I know everyone reading this will think I am some sort of prude but really I am not. It is just that I fancy the pants off my DP and don't need porn. AND before you all start shouting that you all still fancy yours too and don't use porn for that reason........I'm not suggesting you don't fancy your DP/DH's, but it is more likely to put me off sex than turn me on. I only have to think about him and well....................

TinkerBellesMum · 21/07/2008 18:23

Sim43, I'm sure there are things about your life I don't understand, so would it be ok to say that it is wrong? I bet we all have our own kinks that others wouldn't understand, it doesn't make anyone else's kinks wrong. Anyone who says that someone else's kinks are wrong is a prude.

Janos, that is extreme by the sound of it, my previous messages weren't really about what your DP saw, they were about the comments other people had made.

madamez · 21/07/2008 20:55

SIm43: bear in mind that not everyone has, or wants, a partner. Some people enjoy watching pornography when they are alone: solo sex is not necessarily inferior in any way to sex with partners (and it's often better in every way than bad sex with an incompetent or abusive partner).

Sim43 · 22/07/2008 13:13

Yup, and that's what I love about Mumsnet. The opportunity to put your own INDIVIDUAL OPINION across. Conclusion: You like Porn I don't.

TinkerBellesMum · 22/07/2008 18:48

You didn't put your opinion across though, you said all porn is wrong. It might not be for you, but that doesn't make it wrong.

Sim43 · 23/07/2008 12:05

Well perhaps I should have said IMO all porn is wrong.

crazymumma · 23/07/2008 12:55

Dont panic!!! Has no one ever mentioned that men are in a totally different place than us especially with new children when our heads are totally not in the erotic get a kick from watching some bendy bimbo getting bum shagged. Fortunately this is not a sign they are going to go out and do this I am kind of thinking that they look at porn as a fantasy type thing that is ok for a "thomas" to but not what they would want from a wife or mother. And to be honest when I was in the place where I had new babies and kind of guessed what he was up to, just let him get on with it leaving me to do the important stuff, breastfeed and sleep!
(blush) Men are strange things don't worry in my view if he has told you and might have maybe guessed you would be miffed it does show a basic level of honesty and that is worth its weight! porn is so readily available whatever the thing/fetish/preference its scary because its not something maybe we would choose your no prude its just you have to remeber he is your hubby and unfortunatley a man so sorry non secret porn watching guys (come on there must be one of you?????) sometimes it might be best to keep your "hardeners" to yourself!!!!! keep your head where it is but be aware not every one is there too!!!
keep going mummy, don't stress!