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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out and upset by this?

112 replies

Janos · 20/07/2008 18:33

Sorry, it's about porn again. Yawn, yawn, yawn I know.

But I could really with some perspective here.

Porn doesn't generally bother me, I have no problem with it and have used occaisionally. I know some folk don't and have strong views otherwise. Just acknowledging that and asking not to have a go at me, please!

Anyway have watched it sometimes with my partner, I enjoyed it.

But last night he was up for a while looking at stuff, don't know what - I feel straight to sleep. So I teased him about it this morning and told me the titles of some stuff.
Well it was things about women being 'forced' to do stuff and 'taken advantage of'. Now to me - sorry to be blunt - that is basically euphemism for rape/assault. I feel angry and upset with him, because he knows this happened to mee and how it made me feel.

What's worse is he doesn't get why it has upset me. he says he wouldn't do it, I know he wouldn't, that's not the point.

I feel hurt and if I'm being honest quite angry.

AIBU? You may think yes but please be gentle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 20:40

I send him a amessage to say how angry and upset I was at him for looking at this, he tried to call me but I just can't bring myself to even speak to him. That must sound quite melodramatic.

I just can't understand it, I really can't

I feel a bit like a carpet has been pulled from under me. I just want to scream and rant and rave.

OP posts:
Janni · 20/07/2008 20:43

It sounds like he has not connected what is on screen with what happened to you - those in the know say men can be quite compartmentalised like this. That's not to excuse him, but the fact that he's trying to respond to what you've told him shows he knows he's messed up and wants to make things better.

noonki · 20/07/2008 20:47

Hi Janos

so sorry to hear what is happening

I think Janni is right, it is very insensitive of him, but men can be incredibly thick when it comes to porn and realising what lines to cross etc.

did he realise you were upset when in told you about the titles?

I don't think you are being melodramatic I would be v upset,

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 20:48

That's the thing Janni.

I know he would never do anything like this. And he is so kind and gentle, always treats me really well which is why it has shocked and upset me so very very much.

It would have anyway but doubly so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 20:50

Thank you. It does help that people are telling me not to be so silly.

I went to look but I honestly thought I would be reassured and realise it was not so bad.

But this was horrible, really horrible

OP posts:
Janni · 20/07/2008 20:51

I discovered from a bill that my DH had watched porn films on a few occasions. He was embarrassed to admit it and said it was completely separate from our relationship - just a 'men's needs' thing I don't know what he watched and I don't want to know.

MrsTittleMouse · 20/07/2008 20:51

I think that it might well be a case that he's being monumentally thick and insensitive about this, but you are still completely in the right to be so upset of course.

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 20:54

If it was 'normal' stuff I would be irritated but not really that bothered.

Has tried to call me again. But if I talk to him I'll just start screaming/ranting/crying or some mad combination of all 3 I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 20:56

It's just bought back some awful memories back too. And I've just plucked up the courage to go for counselling too....'it' happened about a year ago.

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 20/07/2008 20:56

It is probably a really stupid question but what is upsetting you so much about this?

lucyellensmum · 20/07/2008 20:57

Janos, i hope you are OK, this must be really upsetting for you.

I would have been angry if this had happened to me and then i found my partner looking at porn related to it. But, i can actually understand it, although im not sure i can explain it. It might be that it is just something because of the fact that obviously it is going to be a taboo subject between you that he has developed a morbid fascination for??

I can come at this from two angles here, like you, i dont mind porn, i like it. I also get the dom/sub thing, in fact we do practise this from time to time, however my partner is not that keen as it makes him uncomfortable. Its my "kink" as it were. But two things stand out very muct to me - i would never want to watch porn where women are being forced or anything like this - i would be sickened and angry. Whilst i do fantasise about being "forced" this is NOT the same as fantasising about being raped. Well at least not for me it isn't. It is about relinquishing control and totally entrusting myself to my partner. Dom/sub is about utmost trust and respect and this is not waht you are describing in what you found your partner looking at. This might be because he doesn't know where to look, it might be that he came across it and curiosity got the cat - i would be the same actually, it would not be something i would chose to look at but if i stumbled across it, i would be like a moth and a flame.

When you feel calmer about this, talk to your partner, tell him how this has made you feel and ask him what he felt looking at this.

This is a very common fantasy and for most people that is all it is. I certainly don't think it makes your partner questionable in any way shape or form. I do think though, in light of what has happened to you, he needs to be very open with you about it.

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 20:57

Sorry I'm rambling on. Thank you all for listening.

OP posts:
Janni · 20/07/2008 20:57

Could it be that, as you've watched porn together on occasion, he didn't understand the line he was crossing by watching this stuff? Did he think you were more 'open-minded', for want of a better word? I am not in any way excusing him, just trying to see things through his eyes so that you have a chance of working this out as it does sound like he's an OK bloke as a partner.

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:00

Thank you LEM.

That is a verythoughtful post and when I am feeling calmer I will talk to him. Sorry to keep going on, it's the shock I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:03

Yes Janni I think that sounds like a fair explanation.Maybe he didn't think he thought I would be upset by it (if that makes sense) or he would not have mentioned it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:10

Still feeling a bit pukey but calmer now and just really sad. Thank you everyone who has posted, just talking it out helps.

OP posts:
LobstersLass · 20/07/2008 21:11

I think you need to message him to explain why you're not answering when he tries to call you. I'm sure that he will be very concerned that you've messaged him and are now not accepting his calls.

I understand fully that you don't feel that you can talk about it right now, I think he needs to know that.

Ivegotaheadache · 20/07/2008 21:14

It must be hugely upsetting for you and I hope you're ok.
Is this the sort of thing that he actively sought out to watch, or did he come across it and have a look?

If the site just popped up and he had a look, in his mind, it's not what he's into and he just looked at a site so he didn't think he had anything to hide especially as you're quite open minded about most things.

He should have been more sensitive to your feelings, but at least he was honest with you and you have a chance to talk about how you both feel on the subject.

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:14

I have already explained that LobstersLass I'm not just sending messages and ignoring him. I've explained to him, reasonably I think, why I don't feel I can talk right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:16

Yes I'vegotaheadache I think that he came across it rather than actively looking for it IYSWIM.

But then he did stay and look at some stuff on there so who knows.

I know I need to talk to him but just not a good idea t the moment. When I've got over the 'fright' I think.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 20/07/2008 21:19

I cannot believe that there are people on this thread that are saying this is just fantasy etc (although all are agreeing that he has been insensitive).

Looking at porn is one thing. I don't and neither does my dh but I understand that some do and that is their fantasy and their relationship and up to them.

But looking at women being forced to do things they shouldn't? That is never, ever acceptable IMO, not even in a fantasy world. At the point you cross the line of consent even fantasising about it becomes unacceptable.

would it be ok to fantasise like this about children? fantasise about forcing yourself on your partner rather than some actress who is paid? Even if you're not ever intending to act it out doesn't take away from the thinking behind it.

Janos I would seriously not speak to him atm. You need to sleep on this, but I honestly would question whether you still feel you can have a relationship with someone who indulges such unhealthy fantasies.

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:26

Thank you for your supportive comments wannabe. I don't honestly think he was actively looking for that sort of thing but....my instinct after looking at the site for a maximim of 30 seconds was just feeling physically sick then I immediately deleted it from my history. That was enough and I wish I could forget what I did see.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:27

And can't understand why didn't he do that? Why bloody well stay and look at it and

That's what I just don't understand

OP posts:
madamez · 20/07/2008 21:35

I think LEM said some very sensible things here. I do appreciate that you are upset and I understand why, but I can also see that your DP might well have looked at the site out of curiousity - and kept looking in an OMG-what-is-that??? sort of way - and not linked it at all in his head with upsetting you. Many people (male and female) have fantasies along these lines but understand perfectly well that they are fantasies. For some people, the use of words like 'forced' is part of the fantasy: it's about guilt-free pleasure ie it wasn't my fault that I had this kind of sex etc etc etc, and it is not at all about real sexual assault.

lucyellensmum · 20/07/2008 21:37

wannabe, i agree with you and i disagree with you. Having not seen what the OP is discussing here it is difficult for me to really decide if her partner is being out of order or not. I'll try and put across my point of view. I would quite happily watch a woman tied up and gagged like they often do show on late night telly shows. I would even happily watch a bit of S and M on those basis. For it to be acceptable to me it would have to be clear that the woman is totally consenting to waht is happening, and in fact is enjoying it. If it was even an actress pretending to be forced against her will and not enjoying it, i would be sickened by it. Does that make any sense? I can say this because i enjoy bondage with my partner occasionally, it is totally consensual and actually it is me whom wants it, not him - he indulges my fantasy (im a lucky woman ). There is of course a very fine line between what is acceptable and what is not. I tried to explain that but not sure ive said it very well.

Some of my sexual fantasies are extreme and downright weird, as in physically impossible. But that is the whole thing about fantasy, its not supposed to be real. ITs a bit like reading, i like my books to be unreal and not close to reality, that way it is like a fantasy (not a sexual one).,