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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be creeped out and upset by this?

112 replies

Janos · 20/07/2008 18:33

Sorry, it's about porn again. Yawn, yawn, yawn I know.

But I could really with some perspective here.

Porn doesn't generally bother me, I have no problem with it and have used occaisionally. I know some folk don't and have strong views otherwise. Just acknowledging that and asking not to have a go at me, please!

Anyway have watched it sometimes with my partner, I enjoyed it.

But last night he was up for a while looking at stuff, don't know what - I feel straight to sleep. So I teased him about it this morning and told me the titles of some stuff.
Well it was things about women being 'forced' to do stuff and 'taken advantage of'. Now to me - sorry to be blunt - that is basically euphemism for rape/assault. I feel angry and upset with him, because he knows this happened to mee and how it made me feel.

What's worse is he doesn't get why it has upset me. he says he wouldn't do it, I know he wouldn't, that's not the point.

I feel hurt and if I'm being honest quite angry.

AIBU? You may think yes but please be gentle.

OP posts:
noonki · 20/07/2008 21:43

Oh poor you,

I think only he can answer that, does he know how upset you are?

noonki · 20/07/2008 21:44

poor you to OP not to LEM!

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:47

Sorry some unpleasant details here, just warning anyone.

Thanks madamez. I honestly do get that side of things and I would say, really, that I was open minded about it.for want of a better phrase... but the one which really upset me was a description of someone being..well..raped anally while unconscious and how she deserved it (I'm putting it nicely there) That was the general 'tone'. Apologies if that has upset anyone.

Sorry but that's just very wrong under any circumstances, isn't it?

I'm sure my partner wouldn't have looked at that and know from my own experience that he would never hurt a woman.

This is what I;m trying to get my head around. There was (I thinl) some more 'normal' stuff on there and maybe he looked at that. I don't know.

'm sure it as all paid actresses in this stuff but even so. It's just the language of it..and the idea behind it

OP posts:
noonki · 20/07/2008 21:50

you need to talk to him

dittany · 20/07/2008 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:54

Yes I know noonki. But right now I just can't face it

Thank you dittany.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 21:57

And that is what happened to me, only I was not unconcious and it was very painful.

I must add that partner does not know that details only that 'it' happened and when I told him was very distressed.

That is why I am finding this so very difficult to get my head around.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 20/07/2008 21:57

That would make me uncomfortable too Janos. There really is a very very fine line with this sort of thing. It is like, well its ok to have these fantasies if you are a woman, but not if you are a man. I guess that is very sexist of me, but its sort of how i feel. Sounds like a horrible site actually with no mutual respect and this certainly had nothing whatsoever to do with womens fantasies. You so say though that was "normal" stuff on it so that is his saving grace i guess.

Men are a funny breed when it comes to sex. They can quite happily pass some pretty gross stuff around on their mobiles and alot of it is for the "puke factor". I remember a good friend of mine showing me something to do with "scat" on his phone, it was definately NOT because he was turned on by it, but it was genuinely a case of "OMG you will not BELIEEEEEEVE this" lots of OTT puking noises being made and very immature of us im sure. But that is how men are sometimes, weird. For me sex isn't funny, its fantastic, but some stuff is funny just because it is so subversive if that makes sense.

Do you have a good relationship otherwise? If so, try not to let this spoil things - you sound like you need some loving and nice things to happen for you (thankyou for posting on my thread btw). He HAS to talk to you about this, and you have to be prepared to listen and you both might have to hear things you don't want to hear, but i do beleive you can get past this with honesty and openness

FWIW i think madamez is great too.

wannaBe · 20/07/2008 21:58

LEM I do see where you're coming from (actually I think we're coming from the same standpoint just from different directions [smile). Even s&m is absolutely fine as long as all parties are consenting. Even for people who don't get why anyone would want to indulge in s&m (and personally I don't get why) it doesn't really matter, as long as all parties are ok with it it's none of anyone else's business. But once any party does not agree, or is even acting in a role of non agreement a line is crossed and something which is consentual fantasy turns into something more sinister and unacceptable.

I disagree with whoever said that as long as it's fantasy and the person with the fantasy knows that he will never carry it out then it's ok. So as long as you never do it it's ok to think about it? So what about paedophiles who fantasise about having sex with children but never act on those fantasies? Is that ok too? I think not. And neither is fantasising about forcing yourself on someone, or watching someone else forcing themselves on someone.

Janos at the senario described above. No it's not ok. I don't care whether it's an actress playing the role, if my dh was watching that I would have serious questions about what else he fantasises about.

lucyellensmum · 20/07/2008 22:00

oh janos, i am so so sorry you have had to go through that, no wonder you reacted so much to it. Stupid man, it WAS very insensitive of him. Not a deal breaker. IT sounds like you really need to talk about what happened to you - have you had counselling? do you need more? Honestly, there are some people on this planet who don't deserve the air they take up

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 22:02

Wannabe that's what I mean. What is going on his head? I feel very, very disturbed.

And I am genuinely thankful for everybodies thoughts and comments on this I really am. Just so shocked and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 22:05

LEM, thank you. I have arranged counselling and have something set up for this week.

I think part of my anger is..I can't understand how he would think I WOULDN'T be distressed by this sort of thing.

When he knows what happened (not details) and how much it distressed me.

What I do not understand above all is why.

OP posts:
noonki · 20/07/2008 22:08

I hope I didn't sound too direct

I am just sitting here trying to think of something constructive to say as you are having such a difficult time and finding it hard as I can't think of what I would do in your situation,

that site sounds horrendous, I am not anti-porn but there are levels of cross over that are just wrong and that crosses it,

I really hope you resolve this

lot of (((()))))

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 22:12

No you didn't noonki. Thank you! We do need to talk, I know that.

I just feel so very sad. I can't bring myself to look at that site again. Just can't.

OP posts:
TinkerBellesMum · 20/07/2008 22:14

I'm not sure I totally agree about acting like she doesn't want to, if it's done properly then a safe word would be in use and until that word is used the woman (or even man) is consenting, some people like to be in that situation.

PollyPentapeptide · 20/07/2008 22:28

I am very sorry for your appalling experience

I guess that his curiosity def got the better of him and I not trying to defend him but if he was viewing porn then he was probably aroused and the immediate nature of the internet would mean that it would be very easy to get carried away.

I have to say though that I am very surprised that he went into specific details about what he had seen. Knowing of your personal experience, couldn't he have just opted not to tell you to save your feelings?

lucyellensmum · 20/07/2008 22:31

TBM, i do agree but sadly what the OP describes is blatantly not like this. I do enjoy D/s and think it is perfectly normal and very loving thing to do, but this is different sadly.

Janos, im going to bed now. Please don't go to that site again, maybe you should go to bed too and clump DP around the head with the phone book tomorrow. He has lots of explaining to do, but you owe it to yourself to give him a fair hearing. He must understand though that he cannot brush this under the carpet.

dittany · 20/07/2008 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollyPentapeptide · 20/07/2008 22:36

no dittany, you misunderstand me.

my interpretation was that he went online to view 'standard' porn (which the Op has already said she doesn't object to)and then he clicked through to various other sites to find the one in particular which has caused so much distress.

I didnt get the impression that he went online to try and find some rape scenes

PollyPentapeptide · 20/07/2008 22:38

so i just wonder whether he got 'carried' away which I would imagine wouldnt be difficult if looking at porn (but wouldnt know as never looked myself). I am still surprised that he admitted it though. I think he should have far more discreet and kept quiet and resolbved not to allow it to happen again.

PollyPentapeptide · 20/07/2008 22:40

I am really sorry if I have misinterpreted this though.

Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 22:46

Well I have had a couple of messages on my phone and he keeps trying to ring. I just feel like I physically can't talk because I am too distressed. he sounds quite angry and upset

Sorry if that sounds hysterical. Typing things is much easier than talking about them IYSWIM.

What a mess

Bloody internet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 20/07/2008 22:48

PP you did not misunderstand.

I honestly and truly do not think he went looking for rape scenes.

My reaction i think has been very strong because of what happened that has affected me a lot I think.

God perhaps this is standard stuff and I just didn't realise.

OP posts:
dittany · 20/07/2008 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollyPentapeptide · 20/07/2008 22:59

Janos, is he aware of exactly what you went through? I guess a year isn't very long so probably still incredibly raw for you.

I don't get why he is angry (what right does he have) and to be honest, I would be more disturbed by the fact that he admitted to you what he saw, rather then the fact that he actually saw it iyswim.

Is ther anyone else, a close friend? who can be with you tonight because i think you need some space from him but shouldnt be alone.