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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cancel a cheque I sent to my neice for her birthday

37 replies

poshtottie · 19/07/2008 10:59

My neice was 14 on Tuesday and she is been so badly behaved for my sister that I don't think she deserves any money from me.

OP posts:
suzywong · 19/07/2008 11:01

you have answered your own question in that one succinct sentence.

DanJARMouse · 19/07/2008 11:01

YABVU

It was her birthday. Surely behaviour is something to be controlled within the immediate family.

I would NEVER EVER withold gifts due to behaviour.

RubySlippers · 19/07/2008 11:02

well, not up to you to make the judgement call or punish her

perhaps her mum, if she agrees with you, could hold on to the present if she feels she needs to be disciplined?

SpirallingOutOfControl · 19/07/2008 11:02

maybe you could take her out for the day and ask her what her problem is?

AuntyJ · 19/07/2008 11:03

surley its upto the parent to dole out the punishment?
What exactly did she do?
Speak to your sister tell her of you intention as she may have already taken away privilleges.

lazaroulovesleggings · 19/07/2008 11:07

That would be incredibly mean. She is a teenager, it's a very difficult time.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/07/2008 11:08

She is a teenager. It is in her job description to behave badly.
Having said that, it is not really up to you to punish her. Your sister has offloaded to you, I think she would be horrified if you suddenly cancelled your cheque, imagine your nieces disappointment. SHe would ask "why mum, why?" What would your sister say? "Oh, I was backbiting you with your bad behaviour to your aunt. Now she is punishing you."
It is not in your place to punish other peoples children, let alone teenagers, just because the mum has confided their problems to you.

Original poster
poshtottie · 19/07/2008 11:10

she stays out all night.

Calls my sister a slut.

skips school.

etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
poshtottie · 19/07/2008 11:12

not normal teenager behaviour surely.

OP posts:
kerryk · 19/07/2008 11:13

i never understand how a 14 year old can stay out all night.

i was a brat at that age but my parents would have dragged me home kicking and screaming before i was left out all night.

Original poster
poshtottie · 19/07/2008 11:14

My sister regularly is out looking for her in the middle of the night, baby in the car.

OP posts:
lazaroulovesleggings · 19/07/2008 11:17

Well, in that case your sister needs your help and your niece needs love and guidance. Punishing her will make her behaviour worse, surely.

Original poster
poshtottie · 19/07/2008 11:17

The police brought her home last night.

Anyway I won't cancel the cheque but I am so disapointed with her. I have offered to have her for some of the holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshtottie · 19/07/2008 11:19

lazarou, she has lots of love and support. Thats why we find it so difficult to understand.

She has had everything. My sister is heartbroken.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 19/07/2008 11:19

I am sure there are better ways to help a wayward teenager than to cancel a cheque. Sympathies.

lazaroulovesleggings · 19/07/2008 11:21

Poshtottie, check this book out. the situation just reminded me of it

Olihan · 19/07/2008 11:21

It sounds more like you need to find your sister some methods of disciplining her dd. Cancelling her cheque isn't going to make her think twice about what she's doing. Teenage brain's don't work like that!

You're right, that's not average teenage behaviour but the question is why is she behaving like this? And why is she being allowed to continue behaving like this? A one of act of teenage rebellion is one thing but continuing behaviour such as you describe needs dealing with very firmly and consistently by her parents.

If they are unable to control her themselves then they need to think about accessing some kind of professional help with her.

Original poster
poshtottie · 19/07/2008 11:25

thanks lazarou, will check that out.

Olihan, thats just it my sister get little support from the school or authorities. Her hands are tied. She has even rented her a horse recently and that was going really well and keeping her out of trouble.

OP posts:
kerryk · 19/07/2008 11:31

poshtottie speaking from experience (that i dont want to go into to much) but if there has been a such a big change in her behavior do you think that drugs may be involved?

my parents were so clueless about this (bless them) that they did not notice the signs when i went of the rails at the same age.

it took alot of stict parenting to get me back to a normal person again, my dad used to take me to school in the morning and drop me at my first class then call the school 3 times a day to check i was still there.

my home life was hell for a while, i was not allowed out and if i did not pull my weight in school friends were not allowed to come round and visit me.

obv i thank them for it now and feel bad about how much i must have hurt them but i dread to think how my life would have turned out if they had turned a blind eye to my behavior.

cory · 19/07/2008 11:32

The problem if you interfere is that you are basically telling her that her Mum can't force her to do things. And that could potentially be a bit of a dangerous message.

You don't give us a lot of details on this one. How are your sister's hands tied? The school is not actively encouraging her dd to skive off, are they? Has your sister been in and discussed punishment for truancy? What is the Welfare Officer doing? Has your sister spoken to them?

If the police brought her home, that is support from the authorities, isn't it? What else does your sister think they could be doing? Has she got a social worker?

If dd leaves the house without permission, who goes after her? What are the consequences?

cory · 19/07/2008 11:35

Sorry, should read posts more carefully and not press the button too soon. You did say your sister goes after her.

But a little more info about the set-up would help. Are there other problems in the family that might be upsetting the dd? Is your sister well in herself? Has she got a partner who can take part of the responsibility?

And yes, Kerry's question is very important- is it about drugs?

Candlewax · 19/07/2008 11:37

I noticed you said that your sister is going out at night with a baby in the car. Could that be a factor? That the teenager is feeling totally left out, that Mum now has a baby and the baby is getting lots of attention (because it needs it at this stage) and she is not because she is supposed to be grown up?

Olihan · 19/07/2008 11:38

What about asking on here? Custardo is a whizz with teenagers and will definitely have some pearls of wisdom.

You mentioned a baby, is it a new baby? I'm just wondering whether the two are linked, having a new sibling is hard but if she's been an only for 13 years then suddenly is sharing her mum with a baby who naturally needs a lot of attention must be really difficult. Add rampaging hormones and general teenage angst to the mix and that must be a really hard situation for your niece.

How close are you distance-wise and emotionally to your niece? Could you get her to open up to you about how she's feeling? You mentioned having her in the holidays - can you make it a reward for good behaviour for the next couple of weeks?

Or have the baby so she can have some quality time with her mum?

It must be hard for you to hear your sister having problems and not be able to do much, especially if she is not having much help from elsewhere. Does she have a DP/H?

Original poster
poshtottie · 19/07/2008 11:39

kerry, thankfully because my sister cares so much that it hasn't escalated further. Some of my neices friends have way too much freedom.

My sister takes her to school everyday. She leaves after that.

OP posts:
Blu · 19/07/2008 11:39

Hmmm.
I wouldn't muscsle in on discipline between your neice and her Mum, BUT I'm not sure that money is the best present for a girl who may well be using it to raise more hell!

Can you find some way of encouraging her to go out with you on a shopping trip to spend it on something she would like?

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