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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite brother and sil to 1st birthday party (long)

36 replies

bruhaha · 14/07/2008 15:44

My brother and sil came to visit us in hospital day after ds was born - 2 months premature. They have not been near since and never phone to ask about him. They have been invited over and never come.

It will be his 1st birthday in 6 weeks and we're having a small party - inlaws coming from london. I'm in a quandry. To be honest I don't want them to come but feel if i don't invite them i will be shutting the door on them for ever. If I do invite them I really don't think they will come anyway.

What would you do?

OP posts:
HumphreyCushioni · 14/07/2008 15:46

Invite them.
Take the moral high ground.
The ball is in their court then.

maidamess · 14/07/2008 15:47

I'd invite them...it could be a chance to make amends or if they decline it could make your mind up for you.

They may be being told how your ds is through other people. Some folk just aren't that good at keeping in touch. i take it they have no kids of their own so probably have no idea what the etiquette is.

Have you spoken to/seen them at all in the last year apart from the birth visit?

PaulineMole1 · 14/07/2008 15:50

Invite them .

Original poster
bruhaha · 14/07/2008 15:52

not spoken to or seen them at all since the birth visit. My ds is there only nephew on brothers side. My sil has a nephew who they see all the time and babysit - going on holiday etc.

I was thinking of taking the high ground. My brother asks my mum how he is - or she says he does. She had a stroke last year and her memory is not great.

They have not been able to have children - they've been trying for years and started IVF twice and pulled out.

If they did decline it would definately be the end. I don't like my sil so it would be no loss.

My parents think my sil is jealous because i've had a baby - not my fault it was as much of a shock for us as everyone else as i was diagnosed with pcos at 21

OP posts:
Original poster
bruhaha · 14/07/2008 15:54

have to go just now as ds has woken up

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 14/07/2008 15:56

Right, so you've not bothered to speak to them either...?

lulumama · 14/07/2008 15:57

i think you are actually being really insensitve, your brother and SIL are unable to have children and you , rather than making allowances for any jeaoulsy or upset or sadness, are cutting them off

i would invite them and stop cutting off your nose to spite your face

biscuitsmustbedunkedintea · 14/07/2008 15:57

I would invite them.

Having heard about the IVF, slightly understanding as to why they haven't seen your DS but then she does see her nephew

Kewcumber · 14/07/2008 15:58

"They have not been able to have children - they've been trying for years and started IVF twice and pulled out" - ah OK well having been in their position I would definitely invite them. IF they don't want to come then thats their choice. Don't be silly and cut them off if they say no - they are in pain. IF they don't come its no loss to you is it. Just keep inviting them and expect them not to come - no reason for you to behave petulantly.

My Dad hasn't ever seen DS now 2.6yrs, consider yourself lucky its only your BIL

lulumama · 14/07/2008 15:59

also, it sounds like you are looking for an excuse as you don;t like your SIL

but do you like your brother?

maidamess · 14/07/2008 15:59

Also, believe it or not, your baby is not the centre of everyone elses world, the same way it is yours. Try not to take it personally.

RubySlippers · 14/07/2008 15:59

so, you haven't spoken to them

they haven't spoken to you

someone has to break the deadlock?

i think perhaps it is very hard for your SIL and perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss that

perhaps she also senses that you don't like her

Kewcumber · 14/07/2008 16:00

Perhaps SIl is close to her nephew because she is open with her sister/brother about he infertility and is generally closer to the family.

Idobelieveinfairies · 14/07/2008 16:01

I would invite them, at least they know even if they decide not to come that you are still thinking of them.

Kewcumber · 14/07/2008 16:02

You haven't spoken to your brother for a year , why not? Can understand the first few months after baby but whey have neither you nor your brother spoken since then - were you never close?

Just make a polite invitation and don't overthink the situation.

rookiemater · 14/07/2008 16:02

Like everyone else says, invite them. I agree it must be annoying to have them turn down invitations, so stop inviting them over to see you generally, but just ask them along to the big things.

Love2bake · 14/07/2008 16:03

agree with the others - invite them.

Kewcumber · 14/07/2008 16:04

How have you invited them over if you haven't spoken to them for a year?

OLIVIASMAMA · 14/07/2008 16:06

I think it must be really difficult for them knowing their difficulties in having a baby. People deal with things in different ways and their way is not to have much, if any, contact with you, not my way for sure but I think in situations like this you have to bend the rules a bit and also this is your brother your talking about, whether you like his wife or not, brothers are something to treasure, mine is anyway.

Invite them

TheFallenMadonna · 14/07/2008 16:07

I expect she is jealous. And sad. And wary of what her emotions would be if she saw your ds. I know I would be.

Invite your brother and his wife to their nephew's birthday party.

And don't close any doors while emotions are so high.

Kewcumber · 14/07/2008 16:13

my lovely and caring family make some crassa and hurtful commetns without even realising it during my IVF and subsequent adoption of DS. I managed to deal with it because I loved them and by gritting my teeth - don't think it would have risked it for in-laws and no doubt would have distanced myself too.

And won;t your mother be hurt if you don;t invite your brother.

I really don;t understand what you've got to lose by inviting them.

Must step away from this - I'm beginning to recall all teh crasas things my brother said/did then!!

cornsilk · 14/07/2008 16:14

It sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other to me. They made the effort to visit you in hospital. It was probably incredibly upsetting for your SIL. Neither of you have made the effort to contact each other since. To not invite them would be a snub.

Chequers · 14/07/2008 16:15

Message withdrawn

bunchoflowers · 14/07/2008 16:16

I would invite them, maybe you could say it's just a little thing and no bother if they don't come?

Otherwise you will be getting dragged into a 'situation' which you could probably do without.

Your brother and sil might be crap but they are still very close relations so I would just accept they're a bit shit and don't bother wasting time thinking about it.

Is it your brother who is being the rubbish one or do you think his wife is being snooty/competitive and doesn't want him to go, as a kind of snub? Just a thought.

maidamess · 14/07/2008 16:16

They may well be feeling left out and hurt that you and your family are getting attention and time when they are not.

In fact they may feel an invitation to a first birthday getogether is rubbing their face in it too.

I would tread carefully.

It still sounds to me like you are cross they have not paid your baby enough attention, sorry.