Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that SIL has picked only 2 of her 3 nieces to be bridesmaid?

58 replies

MrsBoo · 11/07/2008 12:11

SIl has picked her sister's 2 girls (age 9 & 11) and left out my DD (age 5).
When we get to the wedding in August, my DD will be upset - her cousins are the only other girls she will know at the wedding, and I feel sorry that she wasn't included.
I know that its SIL's day, and all that - but she has been so relaxed about all the planning etc, and not a bit Bridezilla.

OP posts:
mishymoo · 11/07/2008 12:12

Can't you speak to her or your brother about it and explain the situation. She might have "overlooked" your DD by mistake!

mumblechum · 11/07/2008 12:14

Maybe she thinks 5 is a bit young to be expected to stand still and behave perfectly for quite a long time? How about you suggest your dd is a flower girl with more of a "walk on" role?

StellaDallas · 11/07/2008 12:14

I think that was insensitive of her, but I doubt if your DD will notice that much. Buy her a really nice bridesmaidy dress and then she will feel just as good as her cousins.

Original poster
MrsBoo · 11/07/2008 12:16

My DD is a bit lively, but she is really close to her cousins, and would copy their behaviour.
My side of family think its really weird, and agree my DD should have a nicer prettier dress.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBoo · 11/07/2008 12:18

Sorry should have explained, SIL has only one sister and a brother (my DH) - it's his DD who has been left out. SIL only has the 3 nieces.

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 11/07/2008 12:18

I think that's downright mean! Can't your brother speak to her? Perhaps offer to pay for her dress/flowers/shoes etc. in case money's an issue?

I had 5 bridesmaids when I got married, I really didn't want that many but I have 5 nieces so I very much felt that I had to either have all of them or none

themildmanneredjanitor · 11/07/2008 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveMyGirls · 11/07/2008 12:19

Maybe she can't afford 3 bridesmaids or didn't want to put you in a position if you can't afford to pay for the dress either? Maybe her sister offered to pay for the dresses for her girls? I think it will come down to money rather than your child's behaviour or purposely wanting to leave her out.

misselizabethbennett · 11/07/2008 12:20

How is she related to you exactly? Is she your DH's sister? And are you quite close?

I can't work out any way in which this is not a bit unreasonable tbh. If your child is close to her cousins then they're a kind of threesome, and one of them shouldn't be left out.

Don't want to make light of this, but I know someone who was miffed her grandchild wasn't a bridesmaid so took her to the wedding in a bridesmaid's dress that she bought on eBay and made her stand in all the pictures!!

MrsMacaroon · 11/07/2008 12:20

maybe you could get her a special dress and get a horseshoe to give the bride...you could suggest this to SIL as she would feel more included...my DD did this at someone's wedding and to be honest it was easier than having DD in wedding party. Doesn't take much direction and less stage fright for wee one.

it's a better idea than wading in there...bad feeling and weddings can really divide families. Bride has been unthoughtful and daft but it is her day, as you say.

itati · 11/07/2008 12:21

YANBU to be upset but she has picked her sister's children who she clearly feels closer too, than her brother's, or maybe she just felt yours was too young. Buy your DD a lovely dress to wear on the day and tell her she is so grown up and such a good girl she gets to sit with the adults.

Original poster
MrsBoo · 11/07/2008 12:24

It's definitely not a money issue - SIL is my DH's sister. She is the last one in the family to get married, and youngest child, she has a good job and her htb has very well paid banking job.
The wedding has been planned in less that a year, and she has been really relaxed in getting the dress (only went to one shop, and picked the first day), booking everything.
My DH have a very close family, and as soon as I realised she wasn't having a best friend as bridesmaid, and choosing nieces instead - i kindof assumed my DD would be included.

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 11/07/2008 12:31

"I can't work out any way in which this is not a bit unreasonable tbh"

Totally agree with that misselizebethbennett

I think you had every right to assume she would be included MrsBoo. Seeing as money's not an issue I can't see any reason why it would make a difference to your SIL if she has 2 bridesmaids or 3

plantsitter · 11/07/2008 12:35

Yeah I can see why you're a bit upset. Are you close enough with your other SIL to ask her to have a quiet word?

Bink · 11/07/2008 12:37

Given the situation (close family, etc.) I think this is unlikely to be just an oversight - and I do think, rationally, that the family owes you an explanation (I would ask your dh to get this, if you want it: see following bit).

HOWEVER - and this is the crux - I think you have to be ready to accept the reason, whatever it is (might be the completely justifiable "my sister and I swore in our blood we'd do this when we were tiny" but on the other hand it might be "I wanted gold bridesmaid dresses and only sister's dds look nice in that") ... so only ask for the explanation if you are OK with knowing what it is!

Otherwise, I'd hold your head high & try not to have any resenty niggles at all (difficult, I know!)

LivvyW · 11/07/2008 12:41

I was about to write that i thought it was being unreasonable, and then (4 years on) i realised i have done exactly the same thing.
My two nieces who i am very close to were my bridesmaids. My Husbands niece was a little older and it never even crossed my mind (until now) to include her. His family are all abroad, and she never even met my nieces that were bridesmaids. Hope that makes a difference.

To be honest, it was only when my DH's nephew (age 7) called me Auntie a couple of months after the wedding, that i even twigged that they were now my nephews and nieces too! Call me very dim. (Hangs head in shame)

LivvyW · 11/07/2008 12:41

I was about to write that i thought it was being unreasonable, and then (4 years on) i realised i have done exactly the same thing.
My two nieces who i am very close to were my bridesmaids. My Husbands niece was a little older and it never even crossed my mind (until now) to include her. His family are all abroad, and she never even met my nieces that were bridesmaids. Hope that makes a difference.

To be honest, it was only when my DH's nephew (age 7) called me Auntie a couple of months after the wedding, that i even twigged that they were now my nephews and nieces too! Call me very dim. (Hangs head in shame)

elmoandella · 11/07/2008 12:43

i'm going to go against the grain.

i think yu ABU

it's her wedding. you can't suggest that your daughter be bridesmaid and you pay for outfit like suggested. you would be forcing her into a situation where she would feel obliged to say yes.

forget this altogether or there will be an atmosphere on the day.

maybe it's a lot more reasons like who sits at top table. the older girls can sit alone.

you would be required to sit with your daughter as a bit younger.

the whole thing will turn into an issue and she will become bridezilla.

she's made her choice.she has her reasons.

if you must, ask her why? maybe once she tells you it will make sense

Original poster
MrsBoo · 11/07/2008 12:43

It's too late now - wedding in at end of August.
To be honest it has spoilt it a bit for me - how childish of me to admit that.
I haven't even thought of outfits etc for ourselves, and am a bit resentful that the wedding is right bang in the middle of the 2 weeks we ALWAYS have to take out holidays!
Me and DH own our business, and this is the only time we can close.
Am totally fed up, and off to get some lunch.

thanks all for your comments

OP posts:
elmoandella · 11/07/2008 12:47

mrs boo, i would say they have taken you into consideration. they picked that time when you were on holiday so you could enjoy youself instead of worrying about going to work the next day!

LilRedWhiskGersingles · 11/07/2008 12:49

She really may not realise how upset you are. I did a similar thing . Two of my sisters are twins and both have daughters within six months of each other.

When I got married (long, long time ago) they were two and a half and almost three years old. The 2.5 year old lived in the US and I had met her once (I think, maybe not even that) and the other one I saw weekly and was really close to. I have several older nieces too.

I didn't even think of the one in the US when I asked the three year old to be my flowergirl/bridesmaid. It was year later that my sister told me how upset she had been that we hadn't asked her DD to be bridesmaid.

LilRedWhiskGersingles · 11/07/2008 12:49

The older nieces understood and "didn't want to wear poncy dresses anyway".

Love2bake · 11/07/2008 12:50

I think that is a real shame. Weddings are all about families and i bet your 5 y/o DD would be such a cute flower girl.

I would be upset in your case. I think you'll just have to put it to one side and enjoy the day.

Twiglett · 11/07/2008 12:51

she might not want a child who is too young to know how to behave properly?

big diffence between 5 and 9, particularly as you describe her as 'lively' but assume she will suddenly act perfectly for the 30 mins of a wedding service

but I'd get DH to say something

katw3kitts · 11/07/2008 12:53

I think she is wrong to do this.

At 5 she will delight in beng a bridesmaid ..at 10 not (trust me!)

I would speak to SIL and explain situation and say that she will be wearing a pretty dress, and handing over a horse shoe or something is an excellent idea.

My BIL did something similar when he got married. His neices were flowergirls ( I assumed this was a bridesmaid but apparantely not !) and his nephew was to be a ring bearer.

This included my daughter who was 6 and loved the whole thing... but excluded my son who was 3 (the same age as the ring bearer).

The official ringbearer failed to live up to his responsibilities on the day much to the enjoyment of my son who proudly told everybody he would have done a much better job

Weddings .... aren't they great !