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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that SIL has picked only 2 of her 3 nieces to be bridesmaid?

58 replies

MrsBoo · 11/07/2008 12:11

SIl has picked her sister's 2 girls (age 9 & 11) and left out my DD (age 5).
When we get to the wedding in August, my DD will be upset - her cousins are the only other girls she will know at the wedding, and I feel sorry that she wasn't included.
I know that its SIL's day, and all that - but she has been so relaxed about all the planning etc, and not a bit Bridezilla.

OP posts:

RegenerAitch · 11/07/2008 12:54

'weddings are all about families'

not for everyone, for the record.

agree with twig as per.

TillyScoutsmum · 11/07/2008 12:56

I don't think YABU - it seems a shame to exclude your dd - it would be different if the bride had 6 nieces or something and just picked those closest to her - but this is only one extra

I think traditionally, bridesmaids tended to be from the brides family so that may be her thinking ? Would your dh have a word with his sister ? Or even their mum

Either way - very for your dd. Get her the prettiest dress you can find and try and enjoy it

wannaBe · 11/07/2008 12:58

I think yabu a bit although I can understand where you're coming from.

There is vast difference between a 9 yo and a 5 yo. Maybe your SIL wanted bridesmaids she wouldn't have to babysit and tbh I can understand that.

You can't ask her why or suggest a role for your dd - it is her wedding and really how she does it has nothing to do with you.

And really you have no right to expect your dd to be included although again I can understand why you thought she would be, but again it is her wedding.

AbbeyA · 11/07/2008 13:05

It is a bit of a shame, but perhaps she wants to know that the bridesmaids are completely reliable and 9 and 11 are old enough to understand, 5 (depending on the maturity of the DC) can be a little young.

Original poster

MrsBoo · 11/07/2008 14:41

Thanks - I am going to get the prettiest dress for my DD, there was a thread recently which has links and ideas for loads of places I wouldn't even have tried for cute dresses for little girls.

OP posts:

Pheebe · 11/07/2008 16:17

Buy your dd the most beautiful flouncy girly dress you can find and a little purse or something. Trust me she won't be bothered about the ceremony bit all she'll remember is flouncing around playing afterwards. So long as she looks the part and no one makes a big deal of the fact she didn't walk up the aisle there won't be a problem

Personally I think you have a right to be a bit peeved on your dds behalf but not to expect her to be a bridesmaid. its your sils wedding...end of

welshdeb · 11/07/2008 16:21

Am I correct in thinking the brides mother has grand daughters of whom only 2 will be bridesmaids. ie all the neices have the same blood relationship to the bride.

I think it does look a bit hmmmm, and I imagine it will look funny to the rest of the family. There is nothing you can do, but your dh could have a word if it really bothers you.

nametaken · 11/07/2008 16:25

MrsBoo do you usually get on OK with your SIL - it does seem an odd thing to do, it would definately make me cry if someone did it to me.

Definately agree with the others though who say buy a lovely dress and your dd won't even notice.

bluefox · 11/07/2008 16:27

YANBU - this would niggle away at me and I would have to know the reason why.

bonnibaby · 11/07/2008 16:29

I would be miffed too,
she may have a good reason but if she has she should have explained to you,

MadamePlatypus · 11/07/2008 16:30

I would get your DH to tell her that your DD would be thrilled if she could stand at the front in a pretty dress with a basket of flowers.

There aren't that many opportunities to be a bridesmaid, and the end of August is weeks away, so I don't see how it would cause any practical problems. Of course she would be able to decide on the dress and you would have to pay for it.

If she says no, accept it gracefully. Some people just don't want little bridesmaids.

nooka · 11/07/2008 16:53

I don't think this is unusual at all, or particularly unreasonable. There is a world of difference between a nine year old and a five year old, and surely it is the bride's choice who she wants as her bridesmaids? I don't see anything particularly Bridezillish in this (nor would I assume that she doesn't really care because she found a wedding dress she liked easily). I can understand that you think your dd would be a lovely bridesmaid and that you are sad she won't be, but I think it is a bit extreme to say she is being excluded. I don't understand the pretty dress thing either - wouldn't you be making sure she looks pretty anyway?

However it sounds as if there are other issues for you here with the holiday, and maybe they are a bit conflated as in if this is going to screw up our holidays we should at least have been given more of a role to play maybe (not unreasonable to feel that way). Weddings are such nightmares - my parents totally organized mine. I wished that I had eloped many times!

oopsadaisyangel · 11/07/2008 17:19

I think it is unfair that one has been left out but as others have said it is her wedding so her decision.

I'm getting married at the end of August and have three neices and have upset both my sisters by saying that I'm not having any of them as flower girls or bridesmaids. My reasoning for this was that I wanted the light to be on my son (6 and sharing best man duties) - I know this upset my mother and my sisters but at the end of the day its the way I wanted it to be!

Crunchie · 11/07/2008 18:41

Hey I had the opposite! when I go tmarred I asked my neice to be a bridesmaid, she was the only child in the family. We didn't think DH brother and neices would be able to come from Australia for the wedding, so didn't ask them specifically. When we found out hey were coming - 2 months before the wedding we asked them to be BM. I then had my SIL (brothers wife) call me to say how upset her DD was as she thpought she was going to be the ONLY BM and they WHY I had asked the others she didn't know!!

It is amazing waht families are like when it comes to weddings

LemonyAle · 14/07/2008 00:15

MrsBoo, YANBU. My cousin really upset me by having my sister as a BM and not me too - bit pathetic really, as we were in our 20s at the time, and my sis & cuz had both been at the same Uni at the same time together so were close to each other, but cuz & I had been pretty inseparable as teenagers, so I was really hurt and pretty gutted actually.

For my own wedding, I had 6 bridesmaids ( it was going to be 7 but I had to 'let one go' - and that's another story for another thread...). MoH was my sis, and BMs were my two (adult) BFs, and all three nieces on DH's side. We also have 8 nephews (!!!) so we decided pretty early on that unfortunately, there was no way we could include all the lads in the ceremonials, but the nieces were a given from the word go.

DN1 was 14 at the time; she had never been a BM, and was so desperate to be ours she hacked into BIL's email account and emailed DH to "suggest" it . Of course we were going to ask her anyway, and there was no way we would have left out our other DNs. DN2 was 8, and DN3 was 6, and they were all so thrilled to be BMs together, it was so lovely.

DN3 also has SN (dyspraxia, speech problems, ADHD) and had just had her DX a few weeks before our wedding, but she was so beautifully behaved on our Big Day - and even if she hadn't been, I wouldn't have given a f*ck because she is my lovely little niece.

So in short - YANBU. Your DH needs to have a word with your SIL, and your little girl needs to feel included in some way even if she can't be an "official" BM. SIL needs to get a grip and realise that little children can definitely rise to the occasion when required, and that the pleasure of including them is totally worth it.

hertsnessex · 15/07/2008 12:46

I dont think your being unreasonable at all.

Something similar to us recently and we spoke to the groom and decided on this basis we wouldnt be attending the wedding.

(they have 3 nephews - aged 2,3 and 4 and only asked the 2yr old to be pageboy - this isnt what i have a problem with AT ALL) however then we hear our boys arent even invited.

felt so wrong for ALL family to be there, one nephew and the other 2 arent even invited.....

Original poster

MrsBoo · 15/07/2008 17:37

To update you all, I am fairly close to SIL, and she is really close to her sister and bother (my DH) - they are a really lovely family.
My DH just asked his mum at the weekend - its nothing to do with her, but we wanted to see what she would say.
She says that SIL's big sister is actual bridesmaid, and the 2 neices are 'Junior' bridesmaids - WTF.
I'm not cheeky enough to ask why not my DD, but I still think its unfair.
Welshdeb - yes Grannie has only 3 grandaughters - and we've been snubbed.

I know its not worth worrying about - and I am not really pissed off too much - its just the idea that they excluded her.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 15/07/2008 21:26

I think thats awful - she is 5 more than old enough to be a bridesmaid...
My DD1 (who is 6) actaully gave my sister away at her wedding last month (a long story) - she walked her down the aisle, handed her over to the registrar, and behaved impeccably throughout...
TBH I think you (or DH) should ask SIL why or it will eat away at you

Kimi · 15/07/2008 21:36

I think your DH needs to speak to her.

bluefox · 15/07/2008 22:25

I dislike anything like this and would seriously think of finding a reason not to go.

Hulababy · 15/07/2008 22:33

I think I would still have to get DH to ask why.

5yo is perfectly old enough to be a bridesmaid, and most 5yo girls IME, epecially in this role, would be very sensible and grown up about it. I was a BM dfrom age 3y (being only girl I did it lots) and it was never an issue - I was alsoways sensible enough.

edam · 15/07/2008 22:39

Not sure which side I come down on - I can see why you might be a bit miffed but really, it's up to SIL who she has as bridesmaids.

Is it possible you are getting your resentment at having your holiday interrupted tangled up with PFB-ish feelings about 'why has my DARLING girl not been picked' and making the whole thing much bigger than it really is?

This may be a key difference between mothers of boys and those of girls, of course, but I'm bloody relieved my lovely little sister has not asked my 5yo ds to be a page boy at her wedding. The idea of having to supervise him carefully all day, persuade him to pose at the right moments and not at the wrong ones, force him into a silly outfit... I am VERY grateful to her!

ChukkyPig · 15/07/2008 22:42

I would have thought, if they are that close, that DH could have a word with his sis and your DD will be able to be bridesmaid.

Must admit on first reading I thought maybe it was because the two sisters were very close, closer than her and her brother, and that was why her DD's were bridesmaids.

SNoraWotzThat · 15/07/2008 22:42

Just wrong, bad, your DH needs to speak to his sis or parents. The wedding guests will be asking all the time why she is not a bridesmaid, or thinking WTF!

So say in a loud voice "She wasn't asked, but luckily this means she can be our little princess today"

Get her a lovely little flower bracelet corsage of her own. something like these to make her feel as special as anyone else.

OlivesRock · 20/07/2008 18:16

I know this is an oldish thread but I wanted to post.

A wedding is about two people getting married not bridemaids, ushers or guests.

I do understand feeling miffed as it would have been nice for your DD to be included as part of the group of BMs, but a decision would have been made by the bride/groom and should be respected. Its their day- nothing to with girls in dresses- however lovely and pretty Im sure they would have looked.

We had no children at my wedding so had no child bridesmaids. Had I have done, I'd have had my own niece in a flash (6yrs) as she is very well behaved and knows how to sit at the dinner table and eat a meal at resturant. Despite expectations, I wouldnt have had my DH's niece (same age) who is a social nightmare in a resturant. In fact this was one of the reasons that pushed me to have a child free wedding. It was bliss. My sister enjoyed herself without her kids present and it was adult event.

Rant over.

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