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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be REALLY annoyed that my sister is still smoking at 25 weeks pregnant?

127 replies

Mamatastic · 09/07/2008 15:36

I am just home from visiting my parents and sister and even though she said she was going to give up she had a packet of 20 in her bag and was outside smoking quite the thing. I said 'I thought you had given up?' to which she replied 'It's fine!' erm....no it's not! She doesn't think she is doing the baby any harm even though her midwife said baby is getting the equivalent of 10 fags a day. I asked if she was planning to keep smoking once baby is here and she said 'that will be fine then as I'll go outside' but she then went on a rant re her DP cos he dares smoke in the bathroom inside! I have told her about SIDS etc but it's in one ear and out the other. She honestly does not see a problem with it.

I know how hard it is to quit as I smoked years ago but you would think you would certainly knock it on the head once you were pregnant would you not?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

OP posts:
FAQ · 10/07/2008 10:34

with DS1 I cut right down to one or two a day (from 30+) until I was four months pg. Then stopped (until he was about 5 months old). Not proud of it at all.

DS2 - I stopped the day I found out (well apart from 2 the following day when DS1 fell down the stairs and I was in a state of shock ). Had a huge row with H in the middle of the pg and smoke an entire box in the space of about 2hrs - but had no more until after he was born. Again not proud.

DS3 - I tried and tried and tried to quite when I found out I was pg, but failed miserably - I was very embarassed to be smoking and hated myself for it. There were a couple of occasions during the pg I managed to stop for nearly a week, but then I found myself wanting a drink.......knew that I would end up drinking far more than was healthy and ended up back on the fags (not that they're any better).

I still smoke now.

Flashman - maybe YOU found it easy to quit smoking - but it was that easy for everyone why are there so many "best selling" books, pills, patches, magic potions and support groups for people????

Flashman · 10/07/2008 10:41

No it is people making excuses - If you really want to quit - and I mean to be totally fed up with smoking - not doing it cause you think you should - or are doing it for any other reason - it is seriously easy - don't need books gum or books. Too many people tell them selfs it is hard.

FAQ · 10/07/2008 10:43

Flashman - people making excuses - right - if you say so

fryalot · 10/07/2008 10:43

well, when I quit, I really wanted to. I was totally fed up of smoking and I really wanted to quit.

It was still the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am SO proud of myself for quitting. I deserve to be proud of myself because it was fucking hard

anyway, that's got nothing to do with this thread. I wasn't pg when I gave up and I didn't give up because my sister told me I ought to.

Flashman · 10/07/2008 10:47

FAQ you are making excuses - If you don't want to smoke quit - if not keep saying I can't do it, its hard.

Those are your choices I guess

Bumdiddley · 10/07/2008 10:53

uuuuhhh...I loved smoking!

I gave up 5 years ago. Dh kept telling me I stank and I told him I'd give up after I'd written my dissertation (3 years previously)I was lucky because I was in NZ staying with dh at SIL house.
We were her unpaid housekeepers.

I spent 3 days lying in bed sweating and gurning. Went on internet and took anger out on flaming forums

I am now rampant anti-smoker - I think it's vile although I think the smoking ban in pubs is odd.

As a smoker there is nothing worse than people who don't smoke telling you to stop, pregnant or not.

Just be there to support her if she tries to stop

FAQ · 10/07/2008 10:53

sorry where did I ever say that the times in the past that I did manage to quit (albeit only for short periods) that I said "I can't do it"???

I guess you've never been seriously addicted to anything - well count yourself very lucky.

VictorianSqualor · 10/07/2008 10:56

Sorry, but I agree with Flashman, it is hard to quit smoking, yes.
But if you really want to do it you drag up that self-control from somewhere and you do it.

Flashman · 10/07/2008 10:57

Balls I smoked from the age of 16 to 30. I got bored of smoking and no longer enjoyed it - was easy then - the biggest thing was that for the first month a gave pubs a miss. And you are not quitting if it is a short period - and I think that the fact you went back to smoking shows that you said can't do this and smoked again.

Jux · 10/07/2008 10:57

It's her business and badgering her about it will probably have the opposite effect of the one you want. Smokers are bullied to death. She knows the risks and doesn't need reminding. Let her get on with it. Some people are better at giving up than others for all sorts of reasons. Personally, I vote for people minding their own business and stop interfering.

MsSparkle · 10/07/2008 10:57

I do think you have to seriously want to give up rather than just thinking purhaps it's best if you gave up. It takes a whole lot of will power but it's so worth it.

Dp gave up after smoking 20 aday for 20 years. He was seriously addicted and did it. What people have to remember is no one died from giving up smoking.

Jux · 10/07/2008 10:58

Oh and there's new research out showing that SIDS may be due to abnormal brain development in the baby and nothing to do with fags.

andiem · 10/07/2008 11:03

jux that is not quite true smoking is now the single biggest risk factor for sids if you do everything else as advised
the majority of infants who die from sids now have been exposed to tobacco smoke
what the research shows is that some infants may have a brain abnormality which may cause them to die of sids but if you smoke it increases the chance of that brain abnormality causing sids iyswim

FAQ · 10/07/2008 11:05

lol at giving the pubs a miss - as if I get the chance to go to the pub that often anyhow! Would be more likely to smoke less if I went to the pub more often (but then again if I went to the pub more often may start drinking too much again)......or maybe I could have gone back to my gambling......

so - you smoked for 14yrs and quit easily - so did my Aunt who smoked 60+ a day from the age of 14 up to 62yrs old. She stopped at the drop of a hat. Not everyone can stop an addiction through sheer will power - if that was the case then why do some people die from their addictions (not just talking about smoking here???) - do you think they sit there thinking "hell I can't do this so I'll just continue watching my body fall to pieces".

If it's "just" about will power - why do the NHS bother wasting so much money on support groups and stop smoking aids???? Why not just tell people to buck their ideas up and quit - "because it's easy if you want to"....

FWIW - I've never once said "it's too hard I can't do it" with any of my past (or my current) addiction. Just the opposite, doesn't mean I've not had relapses on some of them though.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 10/07/2008 11:10

I wonder why it's legal to poison an unborn child.. but illegal to poison one once born?

berolina · 10/07/2008 11:12

Giving up smoking was a piece of piss for me, but I had only smoked for 2 years (in my student days, long before children) and was never physically addicted. I do think that for a lot of people it is incredibly difficult and, provided they are aware of the health facts, lecturing is likely to be counter-productive. But I think all things considered I am on the side of those who say you have to find the willpower from somewhere. Coming out of hospital after a D&C for mc and walking past a heavily pg woman smoking away at the entrance is not a pleasant experience.

The inceasing social paternalism towards pg women, e.g. in the matter of advice on alcohol (I had a glass of wine every fortnight or so after 20ish weeks in both my successful pregnancies, and am happy with that), does worry me. However, I do think the strength of the advice on smoking, and on some other, often badly understood areas such as listeriosis, is right and necessary.

Flashman · 10/07/2008 11:12

Becasue an unborn child has no rights in law till it takes a breath - I think thats my if a mother was in a car crash and lost the baby due to the crash the other driver could not be charged with Manslaughter

IndigoMoon · 10/07/2008 11:16

i gave up as soon as i found out i was pregnant. then started again after dd (i was more of a social smoker) then gave up before i was pregnant with ds and have not smkoed since. it will be three years in december!

i did however have the odd drink with dd and ds. never over the advised limits at the time and it was very far and few between

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 10/07/2008 11:27

Hmm, well it's clearly abuse, deliberately feeding an unborn child poisonous substances [angry}

No excuses. None.

Notanexcitingname · 10/07/2008 11:35

Flashman is correct (about one thing) the fetus/embryo has no rights until born. That is what give us the right as women to make our own choices about childbirth.

However it is rubbish that because he found quitting easy, that everyone should. I too found quitting easy. Not everyone does-why I do not know.

The placenta is formed somewhat earlier than 11-12 weeks, but I think the main impact is still on the placenta. A midwife can certainly distinguish between a smoker's placenta and a non-smokers; smokers placentae (is that a word?) are smaller, more shrivelled and have darkened patches.

In short, I think YANBU, but whether your annoyance will have any impact, is a different matter

Flashman · 10/07/2008 12:09

No I am sure that I said something along the lines that once you have made the choice in your mind that you are giving up, because youa re truely fed up with smoking that it is a peice of Piss, but when you are giving up cause you think you should for health or cause partner is pestering it is not easy- I tried to quit two other times before. Once cause my DP bored me to death to quit - so was not cause I wanted to - instead I took to hiding fags and things - the other time I did it as a work bet, once everyone else had given up and I took the money I started smoking again. Third time I was just totally bored with it all. And then it was easy.

FAQ · 10/07/2008 12:12

oh I give up flashman - you obviously think you're view on giving up an addiction is the "right" on - despite the fact that there are millions of people the world over DESPERATE (and fed up of) to quick their addictions but failing to do so.

fryalot · 10/07/2008 12:13

then surely you, flashman, more than ANYONE ELSE should know how difficult it is when you don't really want to.

Again, I repeat my sentiments of my earlier post when I explained just how difficult I found it, when I did really want to.

Flashman · 10/07/2008 12:16

You want me to be brutal then - they are not desperate enough - thousands of people manage every years to quit - those that don't need to learn to master themselves - and not give up just because it is hard. learn to say no.

FAQ · 10/07/2008 12:18

oh fuck off Flashman - - just be bloody grateful that you obviously had a fairly mild addiction to just one thing (cigarettes).

and be glad you don't spend half of your life worrying that the addictions you have managed to control are going to come back and screw up your life.

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