To suggest that a new mum who "has" to go back to work, reluctantly, after maternity leave, could down-size from her five-bedroom house and thereby afford to stay at home?

[Twoddle]

I have a good friend who really does have to go back to work when her maternity leave ends later this month. She and her husband genuinely can't afford to live without both their salaries so, as much as she'd like to stay home longer, she can't.

Another friend's sister, however, was pulling the "It's all right for some mums, hanging around at home all day - some of us have to go back to work" line. Knowing that she lives in a four-bedroom house and is having a loft conversion and buys everything new for the home and for the soon-to-arrive baby and has a bit of a clothes-buying habit ... well, I tactfully and carefully suggested to my friend that maybe her sister didn't have to return to work so soon if it was important for her to be at home for longer with her child. I said she could downsize to a smaller home, maybe cut back on some spending, and then be able to afford to extend her maternity leave - if she so wished.

Said friend warned me through a steely glare never to say such words to her sister, and the atmosphere was abysmal between us for the rest of the evening.

Was my suggestion so unreasonable, in the circumstances?

Silly me for playing devil's advocate ...

my collegue keeps her daughter in nursery when is on mat leave.nothing wrong with that at all, if it suits them fair enough

i do laugh at the perennial same ole stereotypes of working parents trotted about as if fact

oh i took a day AL left LO in Nursery and went shopping and cocktails with my mate.fabby why the hell shouldn't i?

has anyone trotted out the "leaving your children with a stranger" line yet?

"Certainly SAHMs don't usually get "time off" like that; I know I don't, anyway." Don't they? How about creches, babysitting, nursery etc

oh FFS - 'I know some mothers who do XYZ' - we're back to citing examples again as proof of theories.

Yes, some mothers stop working or take holiday and keep their children in childcare, shock horror, they must really hate their children, therefore all working mothers are evil hard hearted women who work because they don't want to be with their children.

This was a good discussion about general issues, but it's turned into 'well I'm like this and they're like that and that proves a theory' and judging other people.

I lost my job in March, and DS still goes to nursery three days a week. Go on, judge me. I'm not going to explain why we have made this decision, because it's irrelevant to this discussion and it's none of anyone's business.

I'm not thinking anything about you! You said you would be bored - I dont; see why unless you're going to watch daytime TV all day. You take up new interests to fill your day, you don;t just sit around doing nothing otheriwse you may as well work and be paid.

LOL or the precious moments speech or it "is only money" and of course horrific anecdotal "i knew a nursery where they tie the children up for 27 hrs a day, beat them, force feed 'em sausage rolls...i know cos my mate told me and she knew someone who got the bus with someone who worked in that nursery"

"not that I've EVER met anyone like that" that was really my point - I've never met anyone who takes maternity leave and leaves their DC's in full time childcare (most can't affors to do that for one thing) but it doesn't mean I don't think it happens and I don't judge all SAHM's by it.

Presuambly you don't know them because they're at home watching TV.

I did see DS's first step because I remember thinking - oh thats his first proper step - I can't really recall it though and I certainly don't remember his first words. It does still count if you don't see it!

But then I missed DS's birth so perhaps I don't have such a hang-up about firsts.

you know what, I'd prefer to think the best of people than assume the worst. If I see a mother who's on maternity leave and keeps her older child in nursery, I assume that she and her DP have thought through the pros and cons and decided that this would be the best course of action all round, for the child and for them.

for example.....a child's life is seriously disrupted by the arrival of a young sibling. do you really think that's the time to also turn his routine upside down by taking him out of the regular childcare he's used to, and making him stay at home with a mummy who is going to be very very tired and distracted?

Judge not, people on the whole do things for very good reasons.

I am so surprised this thread is still active.

When we decided to have a family our ideal sitution was for me to stay at home and look after the children. It upset me to the core to think I would have to go back to work and miss out on bringing up my own children. So we made provisions financially so we could have 'our' ideal. I personally don't think I would have the energy, patientence or stress levels to work in a demanding job and look after my children. I admire those that do and enjoy it but I know couldn't do it all.

For me my priority and job for the next fews years is being a mum even if that means missing out on some luxuries in life.

im offsky i can only reiterate.do what you want with your own children, make your own mind up, hell you wont please all the people and certainly not a bunch of strangers on MN

Hear hear ScottishMummy.

Out of interest, mumsnet aside do SAHM's really feel insecure about their choices because in my experience people are far more vocal about mothers returning to work full time than those staying at home. Working part time is considered just about acceptable but anything more than 3 days is deemed selfish unless you don't have any choice financially in which case you move into the "what a shame, poor you" category.

KC - I completely agree with your analysis - the most PC choice for mothers in England today is part-time work.

I long for a SAHM to say to me 'actually, I chose to stay at home because we can afford it and I enjoy it' instead of all this smell-of-burning-martyr 'it's what's best for the children so I gave up my promising career and of course I do lots of voluntary work' stuff.

Xenia and many others have come out and said 'we work because we enjoy it' and I'd far rather have a mother who didn't sacrifice herself for me than one who stayed at home in a martyrish spirit.

We should all stand by our choices, not apologise for them or justify them.

I agree with you Kewcumber I thought the same. This thread has been an eye opener!

I think its a wonderful chioce to make if you in a postion to be SAHM and envy those that have chioces in life to either SAH, Work P/T or FT if they wanted to.

LittleMyDancing - I have chosen to stay at home and am happier than ever and really enjoy it. I am still new to it though!

I worked with a friend in a very senior advertising position who went on materntiy leave. They agev her job away despite being told repeatedly by both her and I that she would be returning because they didn't beleive her because her husband earns enough to support her staying at home.

Oh the same can be said for my sister in law, she only said last week she is happier than ever and now has two LO.

When I'm at home, I miss telling people what to do and them actaully doing it.

Hooray Humphries! Have a gold star - and one for your SIL too!

I work full-time and put my DC's in full-time nursery because I'm a spoilt, selfish bitch and I don't even understand why I bothered having children in the first place given that I'm not prepared to ever put them first.

you said it chickenburger!!