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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be deeply concerned about DD's friend, yet not know how to say something to her parents?

109 replies

eekamoose · 02/07/2008 22:28

Am not a judgey type, I hope. And a fairly relaxed parent. BUT ... DD's 7 year old friend is delivered to school by her father on his bicycle. She has a little saddle on the crossbar and rests her hands on the handlebars, so in effect she sits infront of her dad on his bike. They ride on reasonably quiet London streets. But neither the Dad or the DD wear a cycle helmet. I see this scenario every day and it just seems plain wrong to me. I like and admire DD's friend's parents very much ... I want to say something, but how? This has kept me awake worrying at night and I've even thought about putting an anonymous note through their front door!

WWYD?

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 03/07/2008 10:06

bergentulip, my dh is not like most. He is a little wreckless, an adrenalin junkie. He has now learnt to curb himself with the kids "on board" bike or car or campervan.

Imagine this person running for a cliff, racing off it with arms flailing, and a mad happy look on his face, only to later wonder "Is it far down? Is there a thick materess or a trampoline at the bottom? Do I have a safety net or a rope tied around me? " You get the picture. First Aid kit always handy at the QS household, and not for the kids.....

OK, he has not actually jumped off a cliff, but this is the sort of attitude.

lucyellensmum · 03/07/2008 10:12

haven't a clue, but why not buy a hat and say, oh, i have this one going begging, would you like it? Its not your child, not your place to judge. I would feel the same but for the sake of your friendship don't say anything. I personally think anyone who takes a child on a bike (even with a hat on) on any street is barking, but thats just my extremely paranoid opinion

FairyMum · 03/07/2008 10:17

My cousin suffered a nasty head injury falling off her bike (noone else involved) without a helmet. She was in hospital for months, and years later still has not been able to return work.

We all wear helmets in our family.

frogs · 03/07/2008 10:18

Bergentulip, just get stuffed, would you?

I've cycled in central London for over 20 years without incident. I reckon one inexplicable (and very painful) accident in that time is not bad going. And it appears I have lots of company. So unless you have an immaculate cycle/driving record of similar length, I think you'll have to accept that these things do sometimes just happen, whether through specific circumstances (patch of oil, pothole, momentary distraction, or just sheer bad luck) or more likely a combination of the above.

No drunkenness or over stupidity involved.

Anna8888 · 03/07/2008 10:18

Invent a story about how your second cousin once removed's daughter was knocked off a bicycle when riding pillion with a parent, wasn't wearing a helmet and is now permanently brain-damaged and how, when you see this little girl, you just can't stop thinking about your distant relative and their awful tragedy.

Pidge · 03/07/2008 10:21

We're another helmet-wearing cycle family, but I'm very aware of some of the arguments that they make car drivers more inclined to drive too close etc. So wouldn't dream of interfering with someone else's decision on this.

Dp takes our 6 year old to school on a seat on the crossbar, with our 3 year old in a traditional child-seat on the rear of the bike. I'm sure some people would regard that as dangerous (though they do all wear helmets). But putting your kids in a car and driving on a motorway is dangerous, and at least dp is getting fit and the kids are being brought up to see cycling as a way of life.

I'm 6.5 months pregnant and still cycling 40 minutes each way to work and have had a health-care professional question the wisdom of that too. We all have to come to our own decisions about the safety or otherwise of our decisions ...

bergentulip · 03/07/2008 10:39

Alright, alright, I stand corrected.

S'pose I was just trying to be a little controversial. Clearly looking for a fight.... I'll back off now

(Sorry to hear of painful accidents, did not want to specifically target anyone on here who'd had a bad fall....)

I must say, that's the first time I have had a few people react to something I have said. Maybe I'll have to be thoughtless and mean more often.... (!- I jest, of course!)

frogs · 03/07/2008 10:52

bergentulip. Friends again?

I just reacted strongly because of the four long painful months I've spent hopping/hobbling around, and because I've asked myself so many times how it could just happen out of the blue.

I think it's just one of those things -- the police officer who witnessed it reckoned I blacked out, but I'm not completely convinced. But it has underlined for me how randomly things can happen just when you least expect them, usually when you're particularly busy and stressed and really can't afford to have an accident.

[rueful emoticon]

batters · 03/07/2008 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bergentulip · 03/07/2008 11:14

Yeah, friends again.

Sorry about all the trouble with your accident. Sounds a bit of a 'mare. Hope all's okay now though.
----
I'll still stick to no helmets though. Life is full of calculated risks, and think where I live it is safe enough to do without. Others would disagree, but I think life is full of risks, and you can't protect yourself from every single one of them.

For example, I tend to think all of us screaming down the motorway at 70-90mph in little tin cans is somewhat of a major calculated risk, generally on a daily basis. As is putting your baby in their own room before six months old, or on the other hand, co-sleeping in a small double bed, or or or.... (not trying to get into the sleeping debate here, just saying, everyone does things differently, and I neiter agree nor disagree with any of the things I've just listed!)

QuintessentialShadows · 03/07/2008 11:48

SW15 by any chance?

itati · 03/07/2008 11:59

"fell of the bike and hurt his ... ermmm.. helmet"

His head would have hurt a lot more without the helmet, I'm sure, QS.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/07/2008 12:06

Itati, that was sort of my point.... with the "ermmm....." infront of helmet. Yes, his head would have hurt a lot more. It hit the side of his head, so his ear got a bit of an impact. He also got sheep poo in his eye, so overall not a great end to a trip.

itati · 03/07/2008 12:08

Oops. I get it now! Blame sleep deprivation. Sorry.

Brangelina · 03/07/2008 12:20

Hmmm, not really sure about helmets myself. I put one on DD when she's in the bike seat but I'm not totally convinced about the usefulness - she dropped it once when taking it off, so not from a great height (she's only 3) and the bl*°dy thing cracked as soon as it hit the pavement. I dread to think what would have happened with the additional weight of a head in it. It wasn't a cheapo one either.

To the OP - it really isn't your business I'm afraid. We all make choices and calculate risks when parenting and I for one would be highly miffed at having pointed out to me that my well thought out choice was seen as being wrong. I'm sure the Dad is well aware of the helmet issue (it's not as if he's never seen one) and is comfortable with his decision.

Better that the child is on a bicycle imo than rattling around in a tootin' pollutin' 4x4.

Notanexcitingname · 03/07/2008 12:26

I'm a regular cyclist over the age of 18. I'm always falling off my bike, and not once has my helmet actually done it's job.

I'd respect the decision of anyone who's decided not to wear one, though can't bring myself, or DS to join them

stickybun · 03/07/2008 13:56

I think you have to let them make their own decisions - how could they not have thought about it? Everyone has different attitudes to risk taking - you may do things that they consider dangerous, wrong or stupid - but might not see it as their job to tackle you about it. However carefully you phrase it and however inventive you are on the 'cock and bull' story front your disapproval will be obvious - if not in your words, then in your tone of voice or by the look on your face. If you are happy with this by all means go ahead but you might not get a good reaction - i.e. they may nicely tell you to *off or just avoid you!

mrsfederer · 03/07/2008 17:37

errm itati, when you said he hurt his helmet I thought you meant the one on the end of his privates

Sorry, thats a whole other subject...

I'll get me coat.

yvonnek · 03/07/2008 17:46

how on earth has something as trivial as this been keeping you awake at night.

do you have nothing going on in your life thats more important.

relax

if you really wanna set an example, take your kid to school by bike. get some really groovy helmets. maybe this guys dd will want to copy to have the latest one too.

chocolatedot · 03/07/2008 17:48

There is no legal requirement for wearing helmets so why on earth would you say anything? No doubt they go very slowly and are very careful at junctions etc and the risk is accordingly negligible.

Original poster

eekamoose · 03/07/2008 21:13

I know (sorry knew) two adults who have been killed in cycle accidents in London within the past 2 years.

But it seems I can't do anything about my concerns for this little 7 year old (according to the majority view on here) so I won't.

Chocolatedot and Yvonnek - "how on earth" I could be worried about something so trivial is that I care about my DD's friend. As I would if she was appearing at school covered in bruises or malnourished. Obviously am overreacting.

Btw I cycle daily and do not wear a helmet. Am an adult and its my choice. I wouldn't take a risk with my own 7 year old in the same way but obviously I'm completely neurotic!!!

OP posts:

wabbit · 03/07/2008 21:20

this is something that I would keep quiet about myself if only for the reason that my mother is a Know It All and would tell anybody anything if she thought it was in their own best interests!!!

(I have had too many embarrassing encounters where unsuspecting people have been told how to do it by Dear Mother to ever stick my oar in)

FrannyandZooey · 03/07/2008 21:23

Huh? You don't wear a helmet yourself yet you are 'deeply concerned' about the other girl because she doesn't wear one?

I don't quite get that. If you think helmets are so vital for cycle safety, why would you not wear one yourself?

yes you're an adult and it is your choice but you have children yourself? Why would you put yourself at what you perceive as great risk?

Piffle · 03/07/2008 21:27

as a former horserider whose hat once saved her skull from splitting in two like a cleaved watermelon, I would never allow my young kids on their bikes without helmets. But once older its tough, ds1 got mocked, bullied and his nose broken resisting bullies taunting his helmet and defending himself from them ripping it off him...
he no longer wears one, but now he walks. The incident was when he was 9 he is now 14.
it is law in NZ where I am from, I'm less relaxed about not wearing one tbh.
but not my business to admonish another.

SlartyBartFast · 03/07/2008 21:32

of coruse you can't say anythign ... how wouldyou phrase it?> i am sure they have their own minds

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