AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

Why arent you honest with others about why you've split up? I would be in your situation..

He was a prick. You’re OK. Anyone who knows you will know that. Enjoy your freedom x

You're brave and he's a prick. When people ask why you split up, tell them- dont protect him.
Well done OP x

Of course they are, because they don't know the full story. Up to you whether you choose to share or not.

Just post the screenshots under his posts, I would

You are not a bad person for leaving him. I wouldn’t stay with a man like this either. You have your own life to live. I hope you find happiness.

Reply on the posts with the photos you have seen with the 19 year old.

feel no guilt. You should have left him some time ago re the affairs. The terminal illness doesn’t change that he repeatedly cheated on you and disrespected you. The relationship was over then.

There is no way you are being unreasonable about this. Personally I would be telling people why the relationship ended as don’t see why anyone should take the flack for someone else.

He is a cheater and uses you financially. Bye bye.

Yes - tell them he has his 19 year old to look after him now

Why aren’t yoh responding and saying nah I’m dumping you as you keep cheating,

I'd be replying and very open about it not being the illness that ended it but the philandering ... i know that when he goes low we go high, but in this case I think just 'correcting some assumptions' is entirely justified.

You aren't married to him and you don't share any children. You can disentangle your life from this serial cheater in a heartbeat. Just pull up the drawbridge.

Of cousse dont post any photos if it would count as revenge porn.

Just post screenshots in his comments.

Yes - this, with a screenshot of the message telling her he wanted to marry her immediately if you have one.

He has made you look like a really horrible person in the eyes of everyone he knows. Don't let him have that.

You didn the right thing. Id also be open about why you left him. Wishing you happiness going forward

Reply on SM that you ended it because of multiple affairs. Why on earth are you protecting him?

Then you tell them the truth. Don’t allow yourself to be martyred and if they don’t believe you, you have the evidence.

You aren't leaving him because he's terminally ill, you're leaving him because he's a serial cheat and you (rightly so) don't want to spend the next 5+ years caring for someone who doesn't respect you!

I mean, you accepted affair after affair but now, following his diagnosis, have decided enough is enough. The timing does feel…. convenient.

I’m not saying you are right or wrong. I’m just saying even if you do come out now about the affairs, I’m not sure it will change other people’s opinions.

Personally I would have waited. I’m not saying 5 years but long enough for people not to think you are an unpleasant person. By acting now you have given him all the power (again).

I wouldn’t have started a social media bitchfest but I’d absolutely end one. He made this a public discussion so keep it public, reply on all of his posts that finding out about his 7th affair, this time with a 19 year old and the fact that while you’ve been busting a gut to cover all his bills for the last xx years under the pretence of his debt and to ensure his child maintenance could be paid, but actually so he could pay his girlfriends living expenses, you’ve decided you’re not also willing to become his full time carer. That if any of his friends feel this is unreasonable they are more than welcome to take on that responsibility and should contact him to make the arrangements as he needs somewhere to sleep from xx date.

Presuming he has - what? Motor neurone disease? His care is likely to quickly far exceed anything you can (or should, given how he's treated you) in the home anyway. But also if you've been together a while he's got to be over mid 30s at least. In my book getting with a 19 yr old at that age is not nice at all. It is at best a bit icky and at worst predatory. And he also has three kids that you have been indirectly helping as you have been paying bills. What is he like as a father?
This man is not coming through as a kind good or nice man. You do not owe him the next 5 years of being his carer.

I'd put up a disclaimer on the post by telling everyone that it is his 4/5 affair that gets him dumped alongside you paying for all bills and finding out his latest conquest is 19 and he has been paying her rent .

Do this. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Focus on you now!