My eldest daughter thinks she can tell me how to raise MY own children??

[JustAskingReally88]

my eldest daughter has really annoyed me today 🙄

she has been having a go at me about how i raise the younger ones, apparently they need more routine and apparently im too soft with them??

she has got children herself so now she thinks shes some sort of parenting expert lol

i have raised my children and i know what im doing. im not saying im perfect because nobody is but they are fed, clothed, loved and looked after so what exactly is the problem??

what annoys me most is she seems to forget who was there when she had her first child. who was up with her, who helped her, who dropped everything when she needed somebody and who was there when she didnt know what she was doing 🤷‍♀️

i certainly wasnt standing over her criticising every little thing she did.

now shes got a few years of being a mum under her belt she thinks she can lecture me about my own household. she was happy enough to come running to me when she needed help but apparently everything i do is wrong now 🙄

ive told her if she doesnt like how i do things then she can stay at her own house. i dont go round telling her how to raise hers so why does she think she can tell me how to raise mine??

at the end of the day im still their mum and i know my own children better than anybody else does.

AIBU to think your grown children shouldnt constantly criticise your parenting??

or am i just expected to sit there and take it because shes my daughter??

Presumably you don't charge her, but she'd have to pay for a professional CM? Not saying it's right or wrong, but a lot of working parents will compromise on what they would ideally like if they need childcare, as in sugar/TV etc.
Can't say whether she's right or not, but things change, like car seats when I was a baby/putting your kid to sleep on their front/what to feed and when etc were different.

OP, no I wouldn't be taking that from her.

I would be telling her that when you want her views on parenting you will ask her.
What a cheeky madam.
Are you doing some childcare for her?
Perhaps she needs to hear it doesn't suit you!
She is extremely presumptuous IMO.

A lot of women who have kids so spaced out do seem a little outdated on best practice parenting. If you're treating them like parents 20years ago then I can see why she has opinions.

She asks for your help because you're her mother and her childrens grandparents. Most children don't comment on their parents parenting as they arent having kids at the same time!

Ime, parents that mention their children being ‘fed and clothed’ are usually not great parents. I find it weird that anyone would mention the absolute bare minimum in this way when talking about parenting. There is something ‘off’ about your posts.

Ha, so it's her mother's fault that she's podded so young! If she is so critical of her mother's choices when she was a child she should have the guts to move out to her own place. The experience of living alone with her child(ren) would make her less of a smart-arse.

I don’t understand why you are so worked up about it unless she has touched a nerve. I’d just say ‘thank you for your input’ and carry on as normal unless you think there is some truth in what she says? If so then become a better parent.

Does it? Those are the key things imo.

Agree! Wouldn't even occur to me to consider feeding and clothing children as good parenting, even the very shitest of parents manage that (most of the time).

As there is obviously quite an age gap I'm wondering if there is a big difference in how you parent now to how your DD was parented by you? She sounds resentful towards you with her criticism?

A lot of women who have kids so spaced out do seem a little outdated on best practice parenting. If you're treating them like parents 20years ago then I can see why she has opinions.

The eldest DD is 22 - with muliple kids by sounds of it. The child being help to find jumper was at secondary school - so between 11 and 18 - so at most 11-4 years between kids and not sure parenting changed that much TBH.

If she upsetting you - tell her to stop - as you would anyone else. If she a pain being their in mornings making comments do not have her there.

Adult kids can be a bit patronising - but sometimes they are right - but you should be able to say stop to her.

Ah, she’s 22. I get it. I remember what I was like a 22. I thought I knew a lot about a lot of things. When in fact I know a little bit about some things.

I think you do need, in a calm moment, to tell her that you recognise that she is a good mum. But that doesn’t give her the right to comment on your parenting.

Don’t get huffy with her. Don’t tell her that you will stop looking after her dc etc etc.

Just tell her that she needs to stop with the comments because they are unwelcome and rude.

She’s a literal product of your parenting. She lives every single day with the parenting decisions you made. If anyone is qualified to comment on where your parenting might be lacking, it’s your children.

Your daughter is 22.

Based on your username, are you 38?

which means you had your daughter at 16 and are now already a gran, and also have younger kids as well?

It all sounds pretty chaotic to me to be honest, and I get the impression maybe you should take on board what your daughter is saying.

What they eat, how much sleep they get and how much screen time they are allowed are all quite big things. That you don’t think they are, makes me inclined to think your eldest daughter has a point.

Yep, this is something you say to a fellow mum going through a crisis of some sorts to reassure her she's not a shit mother for temporary only being able to provide the basics. Or for babies who do actually just need the basics (fed,washed,loved). But as they grow up they need more; routines and boundaries. Going to bed very late and filling up on high sugar products infront of a screen every night can constitute neglect of parental duties. Why is your bar so low @JustAskingReally88 ?

Where does it say that?

I have quite a large gap between my elder and younger kids and I absolutely listen to the elder ones if they have strong opinions about elements. I don’t always agree with them, but I always listen and take on board their points.

I’m absolutely not a perfect parent and I’m very happy that they are confident enough in our relationship and in my reactions that they can say “actually mum, maybe think about…”

Especially when it comes to things like phones, social media and tv as they were not issues when I was at school and the changes are huge!

@JustAskingReally88 ^this.

She doesn’t live with the OP.

It says “she can stay at her own house” in the Op and that she came round this morning in a later post.

If they’d been in the same post it would have been clearer.

OP say this every time.

apparently human brains aren’t fully developed until around age 25. That might be why she can’t quite see that your parenting contributed to her being the awfully clever, clever woman she is.

dd actually comes round most mornings because my granddaughter goes to the same school as ds. she lives elsewhere but im closer to the school than she is

dd and her children often come round for tea and gc stay over as well, especially if shes got things to do. i dont say no, they have breakfast here on school mornings and i help out because theyre my grandchildren at the end of the day.

but its the constant little digs that are getting to me i just dont understand why everything i do has to be criticised. im happy to help her with her children and never make her feel bad for needing me, but apparently im not allowed to do anything right with my own

Absolutely this.
My mother's 'best' was simply not good enough and left me with complex trauma, damn right I criticised her choices.

Fed, clothed and loved is the very barest of minimums.

Decline babysitting. She's very young to have multiple children (and at least one is school age?) must be really challenging.