My eldest daughter thinks she can tell me how to raise MY own children??

[JustAskingReally88]

my eldest daughter has really annoyed me today 🙄

she has been having a go at me about how i raise the younger ones, apparently they need more routine and apparently im too soft with them??

she has got children herself so now she thinks shes some sort of parenting expert lol

i have raised my children and i know what im doing. im not saying im perfect because nobody is but they are fed, clothed, loved and looked after so what exactly is the problem??

what annoys me most is she seems to forget who was there when she had her first child. who was up with her, who helped her, who dropped everything when she needed somebody and who was there when she didnt know what she was doing 🤷‍♀️

i certainly wasnt standing over her criticising every little thing she did.

now shes got a few years of being a mum under her belt she thinks she can lecture me about my own household. she was happy enough to come running to me when she needed help but apparently everything i do is wrong now 🙄

ive told her if she doesnt like how i do things then she can stay at her own house. i dont go round telling her how to raise hers so why does she think she can tell me how to raise mine??

at the end of the day im still their mum and i know my own children better than anybody else does.

AIBU to think your grown children shouldnt constantly criticise your parenting??

or am i just expected to sit there and take it because shes my daughter??

You sound weirdly combative against your own daughter so I can imagine what she is saying is true. There’s a chaotic and contrary vibe around your post.

Hard to comment without knowing what she is saying.

But ideas about parenting have changed significantly since you raised your daughter. If she's just had a baby she'll have been getting all the most recent advice; if it a case that your way of doing things is no longer preferred?

@Passaggressfedup wasn't saying your children don't go to school though. It was two opposite examples, one where your daughter getting involved wouldn't really be justified and one where it would be

my daughter is 22

she was going on about them watching too many cartoons, what they eat, how much screen time they have, what time they go to bed and just generally picking at everything

they arent even well at the minute so yes theyve probably had more tv on than usual. what does she expect me to do, have them doing activities all day when they feel rubbish??

she actually came round this morning when they were getting ready for school and one of the boys couldnt find his school jumper. i was helping him look for it and she called me SOFT because apparently i shouldve left him to face the consequences and gone to school without it.
hes in secondary school now so apparently he should know better according to her.

but why would i deliberately let him go without his uniform when i can help him find it?? thats what parents do isnt it??

honestly its little comments like that constantly. she seems to think shes got it all figured out now shes 22 and has children herself. i dont criticise every little thing she does with hers.

Maybe she's speaking from her own experience of being raised by you

So much has changed where raising children is concerned.

Things I would have done with mine are now deemed 'not the done thing' anymore but it doesn't mean I was a bad parent.

Are you sure she is being critical and not just making comments and suggestions and giving feedback to how you might do things a bit better?

Do you think you might be just a little sensitive to her comments because you sound really quite defensive.

It makes me wonder if your daughter has a point.

Now she is a parent too you are now on equal footings, both being Mothers so she may make some really valid points about you being too soft and not providing structure.

Have you ever thought you could maybe listen and take on board some of the things she has said or just think you know best?

Lol, honestly I'd tolerate this for about 3 minutes before I said

"shut up Lisa, if i'm so bad at parenting, why do you ask me to have your kids"?

Eugh I hate when the teens haven’t been arsed to sort their stuff the night before and then expect me to run around like a headless chicken because mum I can’t find….. I’ll help in an I’ll check the obvious places like the washing basket, the clean washing pile but I’m not turning their rooms upside down for their laziness.

I mean she’s 22 with multiple children. Not knocking it I had two at that age but I wouldn’t then hold my parents as a shining light of parenting haha but good enough to babysit for the odd hour or two and spoil the grandchildren. Would I want them raising them full time?? Hell nooooo

Why on earth was she at your house this morning when you're rushing round trying to get kids ready for school? Where were her kids?

Unless there’s any part of you that thinks she has valid points (that she would have noticed from her own childhood), I’d just ignore her and keep doing your thing.

Older children nowadays seem a lot more bold in sharing their opinions, I honestly don’t know if it’s because they think they have all the knowledge from social media or what. DD went through an hyper criticising phase with me and it was really getting under my skin until I finally snapped out of it and realised she had no basis for all her yapping. I suspect it makes them feel grown.

I must of missed that.

Not great if you’re old enough to have children young your old enough to live in your own home.

Oh. Okay, this explains why she’s butting in then. She needs her own space.

I think this is one of those “impossible to know unless you were there” threads

ah missed that. In that case, every criticism from her would be met with "at least I managed to put a roof over my kids head". Honestly, I would shut that shit down pronto!

I suspect because you are older and this isn’t your first rodeo you are a more relaxed parent.
I would just say to her that she is in charge of her household and you are of yours.

this. Smile and nod, nod and smile.

I saved all of my critisism for when i moved out. 🤣

I openly critisise the way my parents raised me and yes they still look after my children. Because they take on board the critisism and feedback and they accept how i raise my children and then look after them the way ive asked.

Shes absolutely an expert in your parenting- presumably as the oldest child as many of us are she was doing a lot of the looking after children, learning to run a household and finding that you are much softer on the younger ones than you ever were on her. Most of the rules and guidelines have changed and parenting styles have changed but you seem very defensive.

She must be satisfied with that, seeing as she asks her mum to look after her own kids.

Daughters are often very critical of their mums OP. I think its because they see their future selves in us. Some of which they don't much like the look of, so vow to be different and end up telling us that we should be different too. They can also be a bit know it all in their enthusiasm for the latest theories.
If it were me I'd listen with your mind open to accept anything that could be a fair point, and the confidence to politely reject what you disagree with. Then change the subject.
Try not to get defensive and angry and let it end up in a row.

Nowhere does she say her daughter lives with her, she even talks about "coming round this morning" and "staying at her own house".

Clearly the daughter has her own set up.with her kids. Frankly she needs to butt out and mind her own business. Shed get very short shrift if she was mine, coming into my house and basically "teaching her grandmother to suck eggs".

If it helps, my sister criticises EVERYTHING about my Mum and generally hated her - and made her life hell. I think Mum wasn't perfect (no one is) but she adored us, was a good Mum and didn't do anything untoward. She was a little narcissistic but ...... I got on very well with her and we always had a good relationship (she died recently).
My sister is incredibly narcissistic, thinks she is the best person at EVERYTHING in the world - and the best mother especially (comparing herself to her own!) .
Her children tolerate her but avoid if possible. Her grandchild avoid her at all possible costs!!!

Mothers today are the experts when they pop one out, it's quite amusing to read the arrogance! No need to put up with her worshipping this week's 'expert advice' that she probably follows slavishly, when she rings up for you to watch her children etc simply tell her that you're clearly out of touch with this week's fads so you don't feel qualified!