To end a relationship over weekend cocaine use?

[400N]

Posting for traffic here

I can’t decide if I have massively overreacted or if my gut instinct was right to end it over this
For context I have ADHD and find decision making really difficult - often changing my mind multiple times before making a final decision
I’ve been divorced 5 years and with DS now off to uni I began dating and all were terrible until this latest one
He is 55 so 10 years older than me, has his own flat ( rented as couldn’t afford a mortgage after his divorce ) and seems to be a great dad to his 2 kids although they are adults
We met the first evening for dinner and he was charming, paid for the meal and was lovely - he did seem quite loud and chatty but mentioned his kids both have ADHD so I thought maybe this was why
The second date was longer as we went for drinks after a meal and he suddenly starts sprinkling cocaine into a roll up cigarette as if this was completely normal behaviour
I made my excuses and left early although continued to talk and message before he asked why I was avoided meeting him again and I told him - he said it only happens when he drinks which I believed then as didn’t see any signs on date 1 and if he wanted to hide it altogether I thought he would have sniffed it rather than smoked it in front of me?
Anyway date 3 rolled around and we went to a film, all nice but he wanted to go for drinks after and I didn’t want the topic to come up so left early
Date 4 he booked a hotel - he started smoking it again after a few drinks at the bar and I found the sex really weird
It lasted a very very long time and all felt quite detached on his part
Weirdly straight after was very loving and close and he had bought me a beautiful necklace for my upcoming birthday which he gave to me early
He holds down a high powered job and works very long hours and says this is just his way of unwinding - for me cocaine is to get high and have a buzz?
Ive never taken drugs and don’t know if I’m considering ending a really good thing over a weekend habit or whether this is what addiction actually looks like and I’m being an idiot
Any help very gratefully received xx

Looks like salt... I'm calling ground up crack..

I wouldn't tolerate any drugs use.

It would be 100% no thanks.

This is an easy one for me. Zero tolerance of any illegal drug here so it would be over.

Be pleased you haven't OP. Drug addicts find a way to make it possible in different scenarios places.

Did it smell harsh/chemically/slightly sweet?

Also, no it's likely he won't as he doesn't seem to want to.

I don’t know as I went back into the bar whilst he smoked them

Even without you knowing, my thoughts and advice stay the same. Don't get yourself mixed up with this man any further.

Thank you
I think you’re all right

You seem quite keen for a debate here. I'm not.

It is very common in high powered jobs. I know some perfectly nice, responsible people who used to use it, but I wouldn't go out with anyone currently using. It makes people behave weirdly and can cause longterm health problems including sexual disfunction and heart trouble.

Gross.🤮

I think in your early 20s its fun to experiment, but most people who do, know that is not a part of daily life, and growing up means just that, growing up. People outside their 20s (actually I don't know where the line is here, but there is one) who habitually use drugs in everyday situations, let alone openly on a 1st date are potentially seriously dependant, and lack judgement about other people's comfort and boundaries. (The financial cost of this is important as well because it would take priority over everything else).
I think you did the right thing absolutely to let him know its not OK with you, just don't believe a word he says about not using anymore. Consider him lost to it.
If he's 50 and still behaving like this, then I think it's fair to say that he'll keep doing this forever. Yuck.

Weird weird behaviour which shows how completely normalised it is in his head - he’s not a casual user this is a full blown addict. Throw this one back.

and you’re probably right on it being coke. I had a friend who used to wet a side of her cigarette and dip it in coke and smoke it. Said it gave her a more mellow buzz than snorting it. It’s definitely a thing. Crack would have made him very wired. Could also be meth though. People smoke that in cigarettes also…

It could be cocaine, mdma or heroin. I agree it would be a deal breaker for me especially if his character changes.

YANBU to end it, but YABU to go to a hotel on date 4 and have sex with him after your alarm bells went off during date 2. Crazy, what on earth possessed you to have sex with him when you were clearly alarmed at his drug use?

It is entirely correct to judge someone from the legal profession who does something illegal. (I think consumption of class As is still illegal anyway.)

Also though I know little about drugs I thought smoking cocaine was proper hard druggie territory, sounds like crack is the natural next step. I may be wrong,

I'm naive too. I thought coke went up the nose, crack on a spoon and heroin into a needle. People are very incentive.

But no I wouldn't date someone who mistakenly believes they're in control. They're really not.

Hmmm. Let's look at the evidence...

...A 55 year old Barrister who claims he can't afford a mortgage.

...Regular drug taker. (Can afford coke but not a mortgage?!)

...Throwing money at you with meals and necklaces when you barely know each other.

There are so many red flags here. Run, run, run as fast as you can!

Crack usually goes into a pipe, heroin onto a spoon to melt to go into a needle (or can be smoked).

This is nothing to do with you having ADHD and not something other people can say you should or shouldn’t put up with. It’s behaviour you find intolerable, rightly so in my opinion but not in others. It’s ok to say “this isn’t for me” and end it.

Any drug use 🚫

Nope. Total dealbreaker for me. Mind you someone who gets blind drunk every weekend would be too so maybe I’m just a bore!!

Get rid of him. Keep the necklace. Better luck next time 💐

ChatGPT’s response

Why is smoking cocaine more addictive?
When cocaine is smoked, it passes from the lungs into the bloodstream and reaches the brain extremely quickly.
This produces a sudden, intense increase in dopamine signalling, associated with feelings of euphoria, energy and confidence.
However, the effects also disappear quickly, which can create a powerful urge to take another dose.
Snorting cocaine produces a slower rise in brain cocaine levels, so the rush is generally less abrupt. It is still highly addictive.
Are the health risks different?
Yes, although both methods can cause serious complications.
Snorting cocaine can cause chronic nasal inflammation, nosebleeds, loss of smell and eventually destruction of the nasal septum.
Smoking cocaine can cause lung inflammation, breathing difficulties, chest pain and acute lung injury, sometimes called crack lung.
Both methods can cause:

• Heart attacks and dangerous heart rhythms.
• Strokes and seizures.
• Anxiety, paranoia and psychosis.
• Dependence and withdrawal symptoms.
• Sudden death, even in people who have used cocaine before.

Is smoking cocaine the same as smoking crack? Usually, yes, in everyday terminology. Crack is a smokable form of cocaine, whereas ordinary cocaine powder is generally snorted because cocaine hydrochloride does not vaporise effectively when heated. The important distinction: smoking cocaine does not necessarily mean taking more cocaine, but the speed at which it reaches the brain makes its effects more intense and its pattern of use potentially more compulsive.

Let your friends date him. Cocaine use would be a dealbreaker for me. Only you can decide if it is for you - but along with everything else, I would run a mile.

Nobody smokes coke in a roll up. It will have no effect. What TF is going in?