AIBU DH football & two toddlers

[Helpzone]

DH has a season ticket for home games. They are usually every other weekend and means he is out of the house for 5 hours. He would begrudgingly miss a game if something came up but it’s pissing me off that he expects it as a given.

We have a 1 year old and 2 year old and my days alone with them are a long old slog, and really challenging at the moment. Like really really hard.

He will say ‘I’ll only be gone 5 hours’. But 5 hours in the life of two toddlers is a lifetime. And more frustratingly he will often say ‘I’m trying to make it back as early as possible to help you’. Whereas for me, not going at all would be the most helpful thing.

He does ALOT socially. Last week was away on holiday for 4 days abroad, the weekend before he worked both days, the weekend before he went out Saturday afternoon and was too hungover to parent on Sunday, and the weekend before that was on holiday with his mates.

I do need to give credit where it is due, he’s an amazing Dad, constantly doing helpful things around the house. However the football is becoming a thing and I can’t get through to him on.

It's easy to be an amazing dad when you only do it when you want to and your cup is full and you get to spend loads of time having fun and socialising and relaxing and feeling valued and refreshed. He gets to be an "amazing" dad because you make it easy for him.

There's a very simple rule in parenting and relationships. You get equal down time. It's that simple. If he's getting 5hours a fortnight, you get 5 hours a fortnight. If there's not time for you both to have his level of downtime then his needs reducing.

I’m a big football fan. Going is a big deal. But if you go, then you have to balance it out. I don’t think it fair to dictate what he does. I do think it fair to ask him to balance it out. He has 5 hours at football, then you have all
of Saturday morning to yourself, then family things together. It’s not the football, it’s the selfishness. Make him balance it out.

He might, in the end, realise how much his fun costs you all on his own.

You need to start taking 5 hours to yourself on the weekends he's not at football.

With many pp - take equivalent time for yourself, leaving him to wrangle the kids at those times. Not asking him, just saying " I'm off out now, back in 5 hours" "I'm just off out for drinks with my friends, have fun at bedtime" etc.

If it's easy for him, great, you get a break. If he finds it difficult, now he should understand and you can hopefully have a more productive conversation about sharing more equally.

On away days you need to go.out for 5 hours. Leave him a list of what needs doing.

We need more info. Do you both work? Do you both have hobbies prior to having kids and do you both have the same hobbies? Did you both agree to the timings of 2 children?
I only say this as my male friend has been a season ticket holder at footy for 20 years. Him and his wife both work full time. They have 2 school age daughters but it wasn't that long ago that they were your kids age.
He goes out with friends and goes on stag do's and he plays football himself. His wife does a lot with her sisters and goes on hen do's. But they both do jobs, school pick ups, make food etc but they work together.

Your life and hobbies dont have to stop when kids come along you just have to plan better and work as a team. Can you not try to do this?

There's usually four weekends in a month, why not suggest he gets one weekend I himself or one afternoon whatever, two are family weekends, and you get one afternoon/full weekend to yourself. He's not pulling his weight, he's not a great dad, he's selfish.

How can he be an amazing dad when he’s hardly there ? Holidays and weekends taken up

time for a long chat and distribution of tasks including weekend and family first social life second. I would also be booking myself a day away one weekend and he takes over

Work out how much free time there is -evenings, weekends and annual leave and then divide it by 3 - his time, your time, family time/dates.

You don’t have to follow it strictly but if you both have 10 hours free a month and he’s regularly having 20 hours whilst you get 2 hours - then it’s much easier to see how unequal it is.

I’m not understanding why you think his role is only to ‘help’ and by ‘helping’ nicely 2% of the time that makes him an ‘amazing dad.’

the only thing I can think of is that he’s not their parent? So step dad?

otherwise why wouldn’t he be doing 50/50 when you’re both not at work? Or when whoever is the wohp is home.

it’s difficult to sympathise when your expectations of men are so so very low, that you go ahead and have two children with a man eho thinks parenting is only the mothers role. Well, you clearly think that too.

if you think he’s a good guy somehow and possibly just really thick/sexist/misguided, then your only way of getting through to him is to take the exact same amount off yourself then mirror his words back to him.

so next weekend, go visit a friend for 4 days.

if that is unthinkable to you, you need to ask yourself why the two of you think it’s fine for him but not you. The only possibly answer is that you both consider that his wants are more important than yours. Which of course, they are not.

This man is not an amazing dad. You sound deluded. Does he even like you and his children?