AIBU DH football & two toddlers

[Helpzone]

DH has a season ticket for home games. They are usually every other weekend and means he is out of the house for 5 hours. He would begrudgingly miss a game if something came up but it’s pissing me off that he expects it as a given.

We have a 1 year old and 2 year old and my days alone with them are a long old slog, and really challenging at the moment. Like really really hard.

He will say ‘I’ll only be gone 5 hours’. But 5 hours in the life of two toddlers is a lifetime. And more frustratingly he will often say ‘I’m trying to make it back as early as possible to help you’. Whereas for me, not going at all would be the most helpful thing.

He does ALOT socially. Last week was away on holiday for 4 days abroad, the weekend before he worked both days, the weekend before he went out Saturday afternoon and was too hungover to parent on Sunday, and the weekend before that was on holiday with his mates.

I do need to give credit where it is due, he’s an amazing Dad, constantly doing helpful things around the house. However the football is becoming a thing and I can’t get through to him on.

The football wouldn't be an issue if you gor similar time off. What I fail to see is how "amazing" he is, if he's hardly at home and always busy sociable. It's amazing how low the bar is set for men to be good parents.

You need to get 5 hours for yourself as well rather than stopping his 5 hours
if you share things out there no need to stop each other doing things like this
if matched are every other weekend then you have one weekend and he has the other

To everyone saying the football isn’t the problem, it is!! He has a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home. They come first.

Could u take the kids to the football matches or is that not an option?

He’s taking the piss and just about living the life of a single bloke.

Take a day off every Sunday and leave him with the kids.

Lazy bloody arse.

This.

"I do need to give credit where it is due, he’s an amazing Dad, constantly doing helpful things around the house"

How is he an amazing dad and what has he had time to do around the house given he's been away or busy the past 4 weekends?

@Helpzone The first problem is you accept his scraps. He isn't an amazing dad, amazing dad's are present and engaged and their partners do not feel resentful.

The second problem is [probably] that you are a SAHM and he has the "big job" (please God don't tell me you work FT as well?)

The third problem is not actually the football. As many other posters pointed out, It's all the other stuff. Is this all with family money? When do you get any free time?

The fourth problem is that you had another child with a man who is frankly quite shit. Not judging as I've been there, another child doesn't make a shit partner any better, it just doubles your workload and resentment.

The main question is what are you going to do about it? He won't change as he simply doesn't want to. He doesn't care enough about you and the kids to sacrifice even part of his social life so you need to have a think about your options. Can you make peace with being the default parent, doing all the grudge work and having very little support from him forever?

Where's your 5 hours off every other weekend? What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

I can't believe you accept his social life running like he's a single bloke, not a married father of two.

So hung over he can't parent? Tough luck, buttercup, it's Mummy's turn for a day out.

Make sure the kids love football. When they turn 4ish get them season tickets - get every 2nd Saturday to yourself when he has to take them to all the home games.

My husband gave up his football season ticket and his gym membership when we had children.

The only way to demonstrate his unreasonableness is to act exactly how he acts.

Tell him now that you’re off out next weekend for a day on 14 Nov and that you’ll also be away for a while weekend 28/29 Nov on a Christmas shopping trip. He’ll obviously be the main carer whilst you’re away.

It really is the only way he will ever understand the inconvenience of a part-time partner who doesn’t help carry the load of parenting!

Nice of him to "help you" 🙄. Does he "help you" with the housework as well, maybe puts "your" hoover away?

Also, he doesn’t get to be hungover and opt out of parenting on the weekend!! Plenty of us have been dying on the floor with actual illness and had not choice but to still entertain a toddler and feed a baby.

Parenting doesn’t stop because you don’t feel up to it!! He’s a selfish arsehole 😠

How can he be an amazing dad when it’s literally a whole month since he was there on a weekend? What are we missing? Does he stay at home with them all day Monday to Friday? Does he change nappies over the phone via some wonderful new technology and teach the 2yo to read while he’s at it? Does he cook up home made dinners from wherever he’s staying on holiday and get it couriered home at 5pm for you already plated ip for them? Otherwise I’m stumped what could be the missing factor that means he’s not a terrible dad and a terrible husband who is never there.

Really sorry to be rude but you are a complete mug to tolerate any of this. He is a rubbish husband and father, he does things on his terms and you think he is amazing? You have a very low bar. Tell him you are going away for the weekend and do it. Remind him all his entertainment comes out of your joint account. He either steps up and changes or I see a lifetime of resentment ahead for you.

@Helpzone I'm from a football mad family - both my parents love it, my brother loves it, my grandparents and aunt and uncle love/loved it. I often joke I'd be mixed up at the hospital as only me and my one nan have never been bothered!

My dad had a season ticket growing up, with his dad and brother and then my mum had one for a bit too! But when my brother came along (I was 3 years later) they BOTH gave it up because weekends were for being at home - being with the kids, getting jobs done etc. My dad started up again when my brother showed a big interest and they went together with dad's dad and brother and sis, me and mum had quality time together, it was really nice (I had time with my dad at other times, I loved doing DIY with him!)

What I'm saying is, it's great having hobbies, but life is seasons and right now isn't the season for spending every other Saturday out of the house!

It makes me so angry when men offer to “help” the mothers of their children. He’s not helping you, he’s just parenting, though actually in this case, he isn’t doing either!

expect better!

Did he have the season ticket and go the game before you had the kids? Cos I have a season ticket and have done since I was a kid. And I haven’t give that up for the kids.

If it was only attending 20 or so football matches, that would be a small matter. It is all the other things that are keeping him away from the house.

Hobbies and interests are great but also I think ‘fair’s fair’ and you need to do something to rebalance things.

Not sure what, but my favourite ever thread on Mumsnet was when a mother refused to get up one school morning. For years she had been entirely handling the mornings with two primary-aged children before going off to work herself, but then one day she didn’t have to go into work for some reason and so she just didn’t get up. Apparently by about 8.15 her DH had appeared by her bedside, pleading for help!

Its not just the football though is it? There's something else most weekends.
I used to take dd to the football with me. She went to her first game at six weeks old. Only did this for her first year because screaming running toddlers are no fun for anyone, but I'd take her for the first half, dh would pick her up at half time.
Gave dh an hours peace.
After the first year my footy ticket cost the same as a pack of nappies and both contained shite so I stopped going.
I missed football but the weekends were the only time me and dh had time together.
Its all down to priorities really.

When our kids were that small we went out independently really only for special occasions as it is really really hard looking after small children on your own and weekends are family time. Now they are older and much easier we have more freedom but we would still check with eachother before arranging to go out. You should definitely be getting as much free time as your partner.

Ear defenders and a warm coat, they can go with DH!

I agree with some of the other posters, the football matches are ok, its all the other stuff on top.

DH has always gone to football, pub before and after always. He didnt do as much socially as your DH and I was always able to do as I please socially also.

It sounds like its all take from him really!

5 hours a fortnight shouldn't be an issue if hes around other times. Its not much time really if hes a good dad the rest of the time but sounds like hes living a single life! When my kids were toddlers I did a hobby for 3 hrs a week on one day, so more than the 5 hrs a fortnight DH did at football and he never complained about that. Its about give and take surely.

Amazing dad🙄ffs, he's avoiding family life completely.

He's a BARE MINIMUM DAD.

Why would you inflict him on a second child.
He doesn't care a whit for you or the children.

His sole focus is being out of the house, anywhere, rather than be with his wife and children.

That you would describe such a loser as an "amazing dad", is selling yourself and your children so short.

If you are a SAHM, get back to work asap.