AIBU DH football & two toddlers

[Helpzone]

DH has a season ticket for home games. They are usually every other weekend and means he is out of the house for 5 hours. He would begrudgingly miss a game if something came up but it’s pissing me off that he expects it as a given.

We have a 1 year old and 2 year old and my days alone with them are a long old slog, and really challenging at the moment. Like really really hard.

He will say ‘I’ll only be gone 5 hours’. But 5 hours in the life of two toddlers is a lifetime. And more frustratingly he will often say ‘I’m trying to make it back as early as possible to help you’. Whereas for me, not going at all would be the most helpful thing.

He does ALOT socially. Last week was away on holiday for 4 days abroad, the weekend before he worked both days, the weekend before he went out Saturday afternoon and was too hungover to parent on Sunday, and the weekend before that was on holiday with his mates.

I do need to give credit where it is due, he’s an amazing Dad, constantly doing helpful things around the house. However the football is becoming a thing and I can’t get through to him on.

How can he be both an amazing dad always doings things round the house yet at the same time be away for 5 weekends in a row?

Mate. He’s not an amazing dad. He’s never there !
yanbu

He’s not an amazing dad.

Tomorrow, go out for 5 hours. Switch off your phone. See how much fun he’s having when you get back. He’s not an amazing anything. He’s a selfish idiot. How much has his life changed since he had two children?

Didn't you discuss this all before having children? And he went back on his word?

Going to football isn’t the problem, it’s things like “being too hungover to parent” that is. I think it’s really important that both parents get the time and space for their things - his is football, so what’s yours? What five hours are you taking on a Sunday or the away games?

Well is OP coming back to reply then?
There is a fair bit to tackle here - and the point of whether both parents are working is highly relevant.

In my view the DH needs to make a choice:

1. Once a fortnight football for one day of the weekend - back in shape for the other day of parenting.
2. Occasional long weekend away eg four times a year or whatever seems reasonable.

Having both of these on the go at the same time is too much pressure on the other parent. When parenting young kids, one parent deciding to do their own thing also involves deciding what their partner will do (single handed childcare!)

Aside from all of that it’s the “help” and “helpful” word that’s the problem. He’s taking you for granted.

He doesn’t sound like an amazing dad to me. He’s a typical selfish man who puts his own desires above the well-being of his wife and children.

He’s really not an amazing dad - he’s barely there to parent, and he’s a shit husband. Why are you gaslighting yourself? 🤷🏼‍♀️

An amazing dad, my arse.

Assuming he works FT, he can’t have actually seen them very much? So no, not amazing in my book.

You need to get equal time to yourself. The problem is that now both parents generally work FT, there isn't the same leeway there probably was for our parents. A lot of the time, the mum did not work FT when the kids were small, so effectively, both parents got more time, as there was someone home during the day, meaning at the evenings and weekends, they could both have more time to do stuff. But life is how it is now, and it has to be fair, if he gets a social life, you should get some free time too.

I think you need to match his away time every single weekend until he gets it. Football, np problem,.but you go out for five hours the next day. And no opting out with a hangover isn't an option because you are now out for the day.

He does ALOT socially. Last week was away on holiday for 4 days abroad, the weekend before he worked both days, the weekend before he went out Saturday afternoon and was too hungover to parent on Sunday, and the weekend before that was on holiday with his mates.

Yet you are somehow asking if 5 hours once a fortnight is unreasonable ?

No, the football isn't an issue.
The rest of that is.

How do you conclude "He is an amazing Dad" ?

In ten years those football matches will give you a child free 5 hours- as they can go with him.
But- unless you are getting equivalent time, then yes- I would be irritated.
Can you start a new hobby that allows you time away too?

Back to help you. They are his kids

Was he doing this when you just had one baby?

So being too hungover to parent, going on holiday every 2 minutes and "helping" (😡😤) around the house earns the title of amazing dad? And I thought my bar was in hell, Jesus.

No he is not an amazing dad, an amazing dad would not prioritise what he wants to do for himself over spending time with his wife and kids at the weekend and anyone who refers to normal parenting stuff as “helping you” is a dick.

It really pisses me off when someone comes on here, lists their "D"Ps essentially single life with little to no involvement in running their joint home or parenting their joint children then they say he's a geat father.

Fuck off, hes a shit parent who doesnt even do the bare minimum he needs to more in the home & more with your kids.
You need to stop accepting his low standards.

I genuinely don't understand these situations.

You have one baby, and he continues his life. You are not happy ( understandably with the football) but he makes clear it's no negotiable.

You then both decide to have another baby very quickly, and even if pregnancy is accidential the decision to have a child in the UK is an active choice.

What conversation was had about football and his other commitments when you both decided to have two babies in quick succession?

Another "amazing dad" who's barely at home 🙄

He can't do everything. He can have the football or he can have the holidays. But you expect him at home every other weekend so he needs to manage how he achieves that. And the first few weekends he is home, you need to go out for hours!

Flip side is he can stay out after the football, he doesn't need to rush back, if that's the only thing he is doing.

Agree with others that the football is not really the issue here. Given he’s had a lot of ‘him’ time in recent weeks and you are so fed up that you’ve posted this- if there’s football this week , he should skip it and give his amazing parenting skills a bit of a run out. And he could give you a few hours off tomorrow as well if you need it.