AIBU DH football & two toddlers

[Helpzone]

DH has a season ticket for home games. They are usually every other weekend and means he is out of the house for 5 hours. He would begrudgingly miss a game if something came up but it’s pissing me off that he expects it as a given.

We have a 1 year old and 2 year old and my days alone with them are a long old slog, and really challenging at the moment. Like really really hard.

He will say ‘I’ll only be gone 5 hours’. But 5 hours in the life of two toddlers is a lifetime. And more frustratingly he will often say ‘I’m trying to make it back as early as possible to help you’. Whereas for me, not going at all would be the most helpful thing.

He does ALOT socially. Last week was away on holiday for 4 days abroad, the weekend before he worked both days, the weekend before he went out Saturday afternoon and was too hungover to parent on Sunday, and the weekend before that was on holiday with his mates.

I do need to give credit where it is due, he’s an amazing Dad, constantly doing helpful things around the house. However the football is becoming a thing and I can’t get through to him on.

Why are you giving him credit, he;s never bloody there?

What makes him an amazing dad?

The football matches are fine. It’s all the other stuff that’s a problem.

Can you take 5 hours to yourself to match his?

I didn’t miss a Home Match when I had DD. DH always looked after her, she was about 10 weeks when the football season started again.

There are 19 home games a season, out of 52 weekends. I expected DH to be able to cope.

The football isn’t the issue - it’s all the other stuff!

I don’t understand posts like this…. It’s 99% oh he’s never around, won’t help, sulks, too hungover to parent etc etc, and then ends with ‘an amazing dad’. No, he’s not, he’s hardly around.

Why did you agree to have children with him before discussing this sort of thing??
We discussed this before having children, and agreed what adjustments we would make. I would also not have had children with someone whose children were not his #1 priority - ie who would want to spend as much time as possible with them.

Do you both work?

When is your time? What do you do? Do you get to go out/away?

The football isn't the problem. It's around 20 games a year. But in top of being away/absent so much it's the straw breaking the camels back.

Getting that drunk one day meaning he can't parent the next is a piss take.

He's got to be amazing the other 5-6 days a week and doing it all to get the praise you are giving him

‘He’s an amazing dad’

Really? Despite I presume working all week and not doing a shred of parenting the last 5 weekends?

Im with PPs. If it was 5 hours every fortnight I’d be fine with it (as long as I was also getting 5 hours off at the weekend as well). It sounds like it’s a hell of a lot more than 5 hours per weekend though.

Exactly this. Always amazed women fall for this and fawn about the little crumbs their husbands give them.

Agreed. Going to watch footie for five hours Every two weeks isn’t that bad. Given there is 12 hours where the kids are awake thats five hours in 48.
OP take some time back too - not that hard to balance time.

I would be matching him. 5 hours for 5 hours 4 days holiday for 4 days holiday.

Don't put up with this nonsense.

Whats with all the holidays?

This

Let him see how hard it is…either he will realise how hard it is and stop being an arse…OR he won’t find it hard at all and will crack on and at least you have 5 hours to yourself to do what you need and want! Either way it makes more sense than your current situation. I suspect he will realise how hard it is pretty quickly. His next steps will show you how much regard he has for you and your time/wellbeing versus his time/wellbeing.

He’s behaving as though he was still a single man
Family life is not his priority, football and getting drunk are.
And if you take 5 hours to yourself, which isn’t unreasonable given his behaviour, you’ll never see him.

When you say he's an amazing dad... do you mean the kids like him, he's nice to them and he changes a nappy without being asked, because kids love everyone and thats bare minimum. Im really not convinced that a good dad wants to miss this much of his kids early years, and im not convinced a good partner would want to leave this much to their other half either. Of course people can and should have social lives with small kids, but at those ages... he's taking the piss massively. The actual good dads I know make sure they dont drink so much it writes them off the next day on a night out because they dont want to be useless and put it all on their partner, for a start... they would be going 'cant go out this weekend, ive already been on holiday and away with work this month so want to spend some time with the kids'.

So do you get 5 hours to yourself on the week's he doesn't have football? If so then that's fair enough.

However, he shouldn't be getting drunk and then being to hungover to parent.

He sounds very immature. I bet you don't get 5 hours on alternate weeks. Why did he buy a season ticket for this year when he has small children? I think that's an absolutely ridiculous thing to do. Perhaps you should be a cinema membership and go and watch a film on your own once a fortnight. Sorry, but I just find it a really strange thing to do with a young family. I can understand gym memberships and going to the gym as it's important to look after your health. Watching a football match is of no use or benefit. It's just a hobby/interest, and it's awful that he would sooner do that than spend time with his family.

I do need to give credit where it is due, he’s an amazing Dad
Be specific. What makes him AMAZING?

constantly doing helpful things around the house
What dies helpful things mean? Does it mean you are in charge of the house and occasionally he ‘helps’ you?

Do you get the same kind of free time without the kids? You should.

Men who class looking after their children as “helping” are never amazing dads when you really look at it.

5 hours once a fortnight, fine. But that’s all. He shouldnt he doing anything else. And he’s not ‘helping’ FFS!!

Seems to spend most weekends pleasing himself . Daytime drinking on Saturday so bad that Sunday is a total waste . Stupid bugger shouldn't get away with that shit .
Football doesn't seem that bad if he comes straight home . When do you get weekend time off ? Does this great Dad take the kids anywhere then.

Agree. I used to play golf with a guy who had 2 young kids. We'd play 9 holes Sunday morning at 8am all year round, rain or shine... he'd be home by 10.30 to cook lunch and help.

I used to have a season ticket at my club with my wife. We'd get there very early leaving at 12.30 and home at 5.30 (buying chips for tea on the way) so 5 hours. We then started to leave at 1.30 and still were there in plenty of time...that's driving across a major city and parking with a ground in a residential area, no parking, ordering our tea in advance

So why is he gone so long

If it is only five hours then you take yourself off for five hours, he’ll soon realise how long it is with two babies.