To ask thoughts on DS paying rent?

[Chocbuttonsandredwine]

I’ll try and keep it brief with a bit of a brain dump. I’m genuinely asking for people’s thoughts as I don’t really have anything to compare to.

it’s just me and DS 19, his dad and I are divorced: He paid maintaince until he was 18.

DS has an apprenticeship but is earning good money (£29k plus travel and other extras). I earn well (low 6 figures) but have a mortgage etc so although am comfortable I’m not bathing in champagne 🙂

DS is still living at home, I give him food to take for lunch (M&S ready meal plus toastie plus snacks) and make his dinner. He works hard and is out of the house for 13 hours a day so I don’t mind too much:

Curently he pays for his own car and insurance but other than that nothing else. He is out every weekend both nights in town, hugs, etc and is probably spending a fortune I’ve tried to encourage him to save/LISA/ pension etc but I don’t really know whether he has or not.

it’s getting to a point where he is constant me a fortune in food, increased council tax and bills, and he’s out living his best life possibly spending every penny he has on drinks and taxis and such like. Which is fine, in a way but also i genuinely don’t have the disposable income that he has every month and it’s staring to make me think that he should be paying rent

I probably could afford to save it for him, and would lie to do that, but the bigger reason is trying to encourage him to save a little and be a bit more responsible with money before it gets out of hand.

I reckon he gets around £2400 after tax every month. Car plus insurance is £600. He has no other bills.

thoughts? I was kinda thinking £500 but can’t see him being happy. We have a good relationship and I don’t want to spoil that but also I want to bring him up to be a decent human being, and at the moment he contributes nothing 😂

£500 is more than reasonable where in the UK is he going to live for £500 a month.

Get him to pay for his lunch meal deals. I wonder if he’ll ask if you can go to a cheaper shop like Tesco instead?

Yes I would be making him pay something, mostly because I don’t want to raise a future cocklodger, of which there are plenty about, and this is possibly/probably how it starts.

I’m actually embarrassed for him that he takes home £2400 a month and it hasn’t occurred to him to even buy his own lunch or maybe treat you to the occasional takeaway, or call into a shop after work and pick up something for dinner.

I hope he’s paying for his own phone, gym, toiletries, etc.

If I was earning £100k plus, I wouldn't mind paying for DS's food. 2 people live (almost) as cheaply as 1 etc. etc. He totally should be out every weekend.

I think thats fine
But you are going to get lots of posts abut how they could never charge their children rent
Or they do but are secretly saving it all up fir them...

mine pays £200 a month and I save it for him (he doesn't know)

What's wrong with that @x2boys

He should contribute to the household expenses - food, council tax, utilities, and maybe a bit for wear and tear. Does he do his share of housework, looking after the garden, small diy jobs, and so on?

And I wouldn't jump straight to saving it for him. That sends the wrong message.

The rent is fine, but why the hell are you 'mummying' him so much, with the (not cheap) M&S lunches, toasties etc?
Let/make him learn how to function in the world! 🤔 🤷

Why does he need you to save it
Dont you trust him?

Of course he should be paying rent, it will teach him how to prioritise his money/spending etc. Most parents I know make their children pay rent, ranging from the ones who cannot afford to live without it to the ones who don’t need it but want to teach their kids responsibilities. It gets him into the habit of paying his bills as soon as he gets paid, then he can party with the rest.

I would start by getting him to prepare and pay for his own lunches/some of his food or contribute to the shopping, and pay bills such as electricity and the extra council tax. That seems less punitive but would probably come to a similar amount and it’ll be more visible to him where the money is going, rather than feeling it’s just going to you personally.

Sit him down and say this is what your dad used to pay and this is how much more council tax I'm having to pay now that you're an adult.

How much is that
If his car and insurance is all he pays, who pays for his phone?
How much do his lunches cost?

If your main aim is to make him more responsible, then you should definitely sit him down and show him how much food, bills etc cost and ask him for a contribution to household expenses as well as making sure he sets a reasonable amount aside each month towards future house deposit (and pension!).

He will be costing a lot now, especially since you will have lost the single adult council tax exemption and he should be covering that, food and his share of utilities etc as well as the bare minimum.

If you want to save some of that to help in out in the future that's fine, but now he's working he needs to understand the real world is bloody expensive and you need to settle your bills (including pension and savings) before you allocate it to fun money.

Having 25 odd thousand pounds play money a year is ridiculous for a 19 year old! Yes he should of course pay board. He's at the stage where he's earning the equivalent of a normal wage for someone in their 20s so absolutely start charging him.

I don't know why you supply his ready meals etc either? Or even cook for him all the time? He should be doing that either for the family or for himself at least sometimes.

I started buying and cooking all my own food with a budget given by my mum at 14, and at 18 I was working so paying all that myself.

You're on a 6 figure salary and want money from your 19yr old?

In your position I'd tell him to save 500 a month towards a house deposit.

I think you should stop buying his lunches and charging him some rent would be fine.

For his lunches he could take over buying them himself, maybe through Ocado - he'd probably meet the min spend or nearly on M&S ready meals alone. £5 a month for delivery saver. Allocate him a shelf in the fridge. Or if he wants to shop for them IRL or choose a cheaper shop that is up to him.

I think if he earns £2400 then you should take the £400 (and secretly save it for him if you can) After the £600 he still has £1400, which is absolutely loads just to have a good time with, so he should really be paying for his own lunches etc.

Also well done to him for earning so well at such a young age, best time of his life indeed!

If he’s on £29k as an apprentice then presumably he’s on track to earn very well in the future?

He needs to learn some budgeting skills which he’s currently missing. Sit down and show him the household expenses and the very significant cost of even just his lunches. He absolutely doesn’t need mummy to be providing all of his lunches.

Yes, charge him rent but encourage him to save, make cost efficient meals and contribute to the household overall.

I wouldn't charge him rent but I'd start trying to shift the balance to reflect the fact he's an adult now - like, he could get the shopping in sometimes, and certainly sort out his own lunches.

It is definitely beneficial for him in the long term if he understands and appreciates the value of money. Plus he needs to do his share of household chores - why are they solely your job / responsibility?

Either an amount for rent / bills plus he buys his own lunches - I can assure you he will not spend what you do, it will be an eye-opener for him - or he pays for his own phone / clothes / toiletries and lunches etc.

He needs to step up to adult responsibilities, including the mental load of thinking about and organising these things as well as actually doing them.

You could even have a conversation with him to see what he thinks is fair before you decide.

Goodness me, you are raising/have raised a potential man-child, potentially a cock lodger.

He’s going to get a shock when he has to face up to the real world. Stop harnessing the child in him.

Do a list of your income & outings & sit down with a ball park figure for how much you’d like contributed. Show him the list.

Have a strategy so aim high, let him bargain & then settle on what’s reasonable.

Its about time he started sorting out his on lunches too. He’s a big boy now & you’re keeping him dependent. Stop doing it.

You've left it really late to start teaching him the value of money!
He is an adult. earning and needs to pay his way in life.
Sit down together and go through everything. Show him how much it costs for food, council tax etc and work out a contribution that covers his expenses, this is the very minimum he should be paying.
Additionally, I would charge an amount for rent so that he learns to manage his money. Up yo you if you save it for him or not.

If he complains about £500, show him how much he’d have to pay if he got his own place!

The amount she earns is irrelevant.
He needs to know how much things cost