Should we tell DC about Santa?

[ImALittlePea]

This has come up following random chats with parents at school, friends etc.

Oldest DC is 11, has just started secondary school. Will be 12 this term. Relatively switched on but also can be quite a sensitive and naive soul, and is very sentimental. AFAIK, still believes in Santa - I wondered last year if he was going to ask questions but he didn't.

Anyway, a few parents have suggested quite strongly that we should tell him that he's not real, as he's now at secondary and "won't live it down" if his peers at school find out he really believes. It does worry me a bit that he would react and be teased by some stronger and more dominant characters at his school if it comes out there, and I want to protect him from that if I can.

I also have no particular problems with telling him, and I half feel like getting him on board with the 'Santa isn't an actual person but represents Christmas magic which IS real' narrative might be a good thing - he can then help create the magic for younger family members (including a younger sibling) etc. BUT he hasn't asked us the question, so it would mean bringing it up with him ourselves, which is really hard.

When I've mentioned doing this to other friends, they're horrified and say I absolutely shouldn't.

I tried a couple of weeks ago, loosely, by asking whether he wanted to visit Santa this year now he's at secondary school - perhaps he's a bit old now? He thought and answered 'well I'm normally the oldest one there and the presents are a bit rubbish so I don't mind not seeing him, but I'd still like a stocking'.

So after opinions. Do we take control of things and tell him? Or let him believe in the magic, acknowledging that he quite possibly does know already but is keeping pretence because he wants the extra gifts?!

Poll -
YABU - don't tell him
YANBU - fine to tell him

We told DD1 when she was in Y7. She genuinely seemed shocked when we told her so I don’t think she knew. She loves being involved in making it magical for DD2 and DS now though. Makes her feel very grown up.

I’m glad we told her because I didn’t want her to be teased.

Well, I believed at 12...

I also wonder if he actually knows.

Either way I think you need to make sure he does know. believing so late is a relatively recent thing. When I was a kid 8 was the absolute outside limit - after that your school friends would have spilled the beans.

Posts like this always get responses about the magic of christmas and we all still believe in our house and get a stocking (we actually do still all get a stocking in our house and mine are in their 20s) but that's not the point. The point is you don't want him in secondary school saying he believes in santa.

Dear me, really? Our 6 year old rumbled us. I think you need to have the chat asap.

I’ve had this conversation with DD10 today and it turns out she’s known for years but she’s just been going along with it. Same with the tooth fairy, she’s just been in it for the money 😂

My ASD DD had not believed since she was very young. She just did not want the stocking to stop. We moved to a system where everyone, including adults, get stockings.

My niece absolutely still believed. Her parents took her out for a meal with just her and explained the magic of Christmas philosophy. She was fine with that. They definitely did not want her starting secondary with the that belief in place.

I think it’s very important to tell him, especially because he is autistic. He needs to know that he can trust you not to lie to him. So you need to tell him that Santa is a game parents like to play for little children, but now he needs to know that you have always brought his stocking and will continue to do so.

The point is you don't want him in secondary school saying he believes in santa.

And this, amongst everything else being said, is the absolute crux of it. As crap as it may be.... I'm hoping he's been going along with it for the gifts and loves helping create the magic with us now ☺️

I still (26 years on!) remember the night my mum told me Santa wasn’t real, I was absolutely devastated. I knew he wasn’t, I was in P7, but having it confirmed by an adult broke my heart!!! I don’t plan on ever confirming it to my DD, there will be a sense that we all know…. But she’s never getting it confirmed 😆

My dd is the same age. I tried to tell her in the summer when she asked some pertinent questions, i was really gentle, went for the whole, what do you think? The magic is what we make of it! It went HORRIBLY! So many tears! She asked about fairies too and then told me i was destroying her whole belief system! Then DH hadn't got the memo and reassured her that if course its all real! She went to bed in tears and we've basically never mentioned it since. I assume she's lodged it somewhere but chooses to ignore. So as far as I'm concerned we'll now never mention it again until they are adults, or beyond!

My son is 11 and believes to. A few people have said things over the years about him and Santa not being real. He is also just gone to secondary but he still thinks he is real. So do I and I am 40!

In regards to your friends if they don't agree they don't agree. He is your child not there's. I always feel they are growing up and I want to keep the magic for as long as I can

I know you've decided to tell him tonight, but I will say as a mum of an autistic teenage boy my son absolutely did still believe in year 7. I left it until the summer of year 7 before I told him as I didn't want to spoil the magic too close to Christmas. He was aware of St Nicholas already, so I used the idea of the magic of Christmas too. He was truly upset when he found out.

Be prepared for other questions about the tooth fairy etc. He spent about 4 days asking me questions about other concepts that he felt the need to know.

He is now 16 and tells me what he would like in his stocking!

Well, we've done it.. and he seems ok! It was quite a natural conversation in the end. I think the recent chat about whether he wanted to visit Santa planted enough of a seed, and he had come to the decision that those Santa's weren't real but 'weird actors with cushions up their shirts' 😂

He said he felt a bit weird now he knew for sure but we just said that all of the magic and joy he'd experienced over the years was still real and true, and that when he's able to create that magic and joy for the younger ones, he'll get to experience a whole different side to that magic. He seemed to get it - I'm aware it might unravel a bit as he processes it though. He did say he thinks anyone that says anything at school will be teased, and he promised he won't ever let slip. Oh, and he wants to know where we get the nice list certificates from so he knows where to get them when he has his own children 🎅🥰

There are a few variations of this one:

Dear [Child's Name],
You have been asking some big questions lately, including whether Santa is real. You are growing up so much, and because you have a mature and thoughtful mind, we want to give you an honest answer.
The answer is yes, Santa is real, but he is not a single man living at the North Pole who climbs down chimneys.
Santa is a symbol of something much bigger. He represents giving, kindness, love, and generosity. He lives inside the hearts of all the people who care about others and work to make Christmas magical.
When you were younger, we filled your stockings and left presents from Santa. We did it because we love you, and because we wanted you to experience the wonder of a secret, magical surprise. Our parents did it for us, their parents did it for them, and one day, you will likely do it for someone else.
Now that you know the secret, you have graduated. You aren’t just receiving the magic anymore—you are officially on Santa’s team.
That means you get to help us keep the wonder alive for younger kids, help plan surprises, and spread kindness in the world without needing any credit or thank-you.
We love you so much and are so proud of the thoughtful person you are becoming.

Ah, I'm glad it went well @ImALittlePea, he sounds like a lovely, thoughtful boy ❤️

Thanks - we think he is! I just hope the information settles well 🙏

Fingers crossed he'll be ok, I think he will because he's heard it from you, rather than finding out from others and you've taken care to explain Christmas will still be magical 🎄

I knew it was all made up crap a 6.

Well done OP. Sounds like you handled it very well and he sounds like a lovely boy.

Can't tell with our autistic 11 year old either. I know friends have told him Santa isn't real and he obviously knows it is logistically impossible but I think he wants to believe very much and like a PP can come up with complicated work arounds that make it possible. I am more worried about him being upset about us lying than teasing though. My DP thinks no chance he actually believes and not to tell him.

Remember telling my son at this age and he was more miffed that we had been lying to him. We were like yes every parent lies about Santa. He kept saying for days, that he couldnt believe we would lie to him like that 😂. He's so serious.

They will still talk about santa even if dont believe. Sometimes out of habit, sometimes because a bit of them wishes they do still have santa magic, and a bit because it can mean extra presents

DD is just 11 but very switched on, last year in year 5 she asked me if santa was real, and told me she didn't believe. There was no point trying to fob her off with a 'santa is as real as you think he is', she had clearly decided he wasn't and was testing to see if we would be honest. But she will still come out with 'are we going to see santa this year' 'I would like to ask santa for X present this year'.

As much as they are trying to be grown up, at this age they are still torn between being a child and moving towards adulthood, so it's important to give them the opportunity to still get into 'santa spirit' whilst also being honest.

My kids worked it out by 5 because a lot of their friends were Jewish so it didn't make any sense to them. They still wanted and loved all the magic though. In fact, there was almost a mutiny when the eldest got married and I said I was no longer creeping into their bedrooms at 4am to drop off gifts from FC because it would be weird.

No I would not say anything. I have not said anything to mine. It has never got her into bother at school. I don't know why people on here always think they have to be told. I think they realise gradually And I think underneath they know. And I think that's the best way to realise as well, rather than be told.

Sounds like it went well. FWIW I really think the best way to handle this is slower over a few years. Basically you want them to realise gradually, without ever needing a “reveal”
or to actually say anything. The magic just gets more and more tongue in cheek.

I am NEVER going to actually tell
my kids or talk about Father Christmas as anything other than real. Except maybe when they have kids of their own.